2009

If I could describe 2009 in one year, it would be "serendipitous."

Belated Thanksgiving

Last year I was so emo and stressed out around Thanksgiving-time. I was all, "bluh bluh bluh, I have nothing to be thankful for beyond the bourgeouise basics." (sp??) But this year...man. I'm so thankful that I have found what I want to do with my life. It makes such a difference in my entire outlook on life.

Sleep

So, I've always slept on my stomach, but since a week or so ago, I've realized that I now sleep on my stomach without a pillow; that is, with my head flat on the bed. I have to push the pillow out of my way before I can fall asleep.

Wtf?

An anecdote or two

So I broke the alarm system at school yesterday. I was up there working for a few hours, the only person around, and when I left I set the alarm and locked up. However, since I had never done it before, I stuck around to make sure everything went smoothly...and a good thing I did, because about a minute after I'd left, the alarm started going off. Wtf??? I went back in and disarmed it; repeated the entire process; and then the alarm wouldn't reset to the whole "ready to arm" thing, no matter how many times I opened and closed the front door. uhh. I called Chris (the teacher in charge of our building, who's been sending me inappropriate texts all weekend, lol) and she was like, "huh. Well, make sure you lock up..." and she was gonna send someone to go check it out (lol so don't try to break into the building ;) ). Wtf did I do that set off the alarm after I'd left?? I am so confused. ...And I'm thinking I'll probably avoid being at school alone for a while, so I don't have to deal with it again.

I visited my darling Caitlin over the weekend! I had a blast. From hookahs to hipsters, hobos to highway-crossings, rats to Rag-o-rama, with a dash of plans-to-run-off-to-Vegas-to-elope thrown in, it was a delightfully strange adventure. :)

Note to self:

Because long-distance whatever is rough enough in the first place, please DO NOT try to START something long-distance. Sweetie, you've tried it before, even. Learn a freakin' lesson!

"remember, remember..."

I am snuggling in warm sweats fresh out of the dryer. I am spending the weekend with Caitlin in St. Louis! And then I have a week of break! And then, after that break, I will be a TEACHER!

Life is good. :)

Strange night

So I go to the mall with A, L, and R. Get some sweet deals at Old Navy, some sweet shoes at Payless. Wander wander wander wander, DOUBLE TAKE. I stop in the middle of a story, jaw dropped, and gape at a kiosk. With an expression of "shock, disgust, and a little bit of fear," I realize that the salesguy at said kiosk is a guy I've, um, met at a club. Met romantically. On multiple occasions. And he sees me, with that bizarre expression on my face. hahaha.

Then the four of us pile into the car and head home, with a "anyone need to go anywhere else?" "nah" conversation. However, the route takes us past a sex store, and we decide a detour is in order. (Keep in mind that A and L and I are female, and R is L's boyfriend). We spend a good twenty minutes comparing vibrators, laughing at pornographic interpretations of movies such as Wayne's World and Pirates of the Caribbean, and being a little horrified by the photos on the back of the DVD cases. (I do think the Wayne's World one would be hilarious!!! ;) ) We contemplate such novelties as a masturbating Obama action figure, camo condoms ("don't let them see you coming"), and crotchless fishnets.

Back to the car, only to decide that booze is required. This leads to a fail of a walmart run, and then a more successful liquor store visit. I, however, do not purchase anything, and then the others drop me off at home, pour their booze into plastic bottles, and head out.

And now I'm going to go to bed before too long. Might shave my legs beforehand. Anticlimactic much?

...my life is both hilarious and awesome. :)

Shock

My stomach's twisting up, I'm hyperventilating, I'm on the verge of a panic attack for something that does not affect my life in the slightest.

But, God. I tend to remove myself from the past completely. It's been long enough since I've been involved with a guy that I've slipped back into my nothing-ever-really-happened frame of mind. I barely remember anything. Anyone. Because none of it is worth holding onto...

It's not that I regret it all. I'm fine with who I am. I don't feel burdened with a need to confess unspeakable sins. I'm so relieved to finally be me instead of the repressed, naive shell of a person I used to be. I'm at peace with my identity...I just lose the details over time.

But, God, I'm shaken up.

and to think that could've been me.

Plus...to think...ugh. Despite everything, he was always really nice to me...

self-evident

oh my gah it's OCTOBER.

Keeping track

So I read in the L-town paper while I was around last week that the senior class has two National Merit semifinalists (it's too early in the year for finalists). My reaction was, wait a minute. Their class has probably 200 more people in it than ours did, and we had five--shouldn't they have more than two, statistically speaking? That got me thinking about my four peers:

-One I had seen three days before
-I had seen another's sister-in-law that day
-One lives in the same town as me now, and I've seen her roommate occasionally in the last few months?
-And the other, with whom I was actually friends, I haven't seen or had any weird connection with, but his brother got married the following day, if that counts at all.

I just thought it was kinda weird that I actually had present-day connections with those people, still. haha. I mean, I had classes with them here and there in high school, of course, but I was only really friends with the one.

And in other news, I think Jonesie made out with me last night. What?

livin' la vida loca

Started in the new building this week. (We moved our entire autism program down the street.) Oh my gah, things are crazy. It's a lot easier to spread staff really thin in the larger environment. Like, this afternoon, for example...there are five of us who work with our eight kids. One person had run back to the old building for an errand. One person was on one-on-one potty duty with a student (we're trying to get him potty-trained; he's sitting on the potty ALL DAY). One person was setting up snack. That left two of us with the kids playing with shaving cream/cleaning that up/taking everyone potty before snack. So I took two kids and got them cleaned up and pottied and went to drop them off at snack, but the person wasn't finished setting it up yet, so I had to stay with them. Which left one person alone with four kids and a big shaving cream mess. eek! (And this craziness was with one child taking a nap!)

I'm so excited for my teaching position. I know this is what I want to do. My job is more important to me now than getting certified is...which screws me over if I ever want to work anywhere else, but I don't see what else I can do. This job is everything I never knew I always wanted. heh.

Had a really great week in L-town last week. Probably my last chance to just chill there for quite some time, what with training and then, well, teaching. Jonesie (my darling rat) loves my parents, which is hilar, between my dad being a rat-murderer and my mom not liking animals. I subbed some and was that much more grateful for my real job (middle-schoolers are annoying). I chilled with B, and I got to go to the Fall Festival parade for the first time in...six years? Spent some time with my brother (hadn't seen him since June!), and briefly saw my Carly (see previous post lol). Saw a couple preciously adorable baby cousins*--who love me!--and a few miscellaneous extended family members.

Read Love in the Time of Cholera. I found it extremely disappointing, for as much as I love One Hundred Years of Solitude. Oh well. Next (not counting keeping up with my New Yorkers) I'm reading My Life in Pictures by Temple Grandin, who has autism. sweet.

*One example of their supreme cute-itude: while I was praising Rachel, who's three and a half and was sitting across the room, for putting shapes in the shape sorter ("good job, Rachel!"), her baby sister Abigail, eighteen months, who was climbing on me, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her lip, and scolded me, "Ah-bi-gail" (thinking I'd called her her sister's name). LMAO

Hugging

I'm not really a touchy-feely person. I've broken my mom's heart continuously for probably about twenty years because I'm just...not. I don't remember ever kissing my parents or brother (obviously I would have as a small child). Hugs, only when decorum demands. I mean, I don't have a problem with hugs...I just don't have a huge draw to them, either. My two best L-town friends have similar inclinations. We hug if we need to. Not gratuitously. Hahaha. Now, I AM more touchy-feely with my Springfazzle friends, and also with anyone when I'm imbibing, but overall, yeah, no. And I don't do the bear hug thing, or hold on too tight.

But sometimes...every once in a while, I will admit, an embrace is the way to communicate. When you've been dying to see someone, and you don't know when you'll see him or her again, and you just need to soak up as much as that person as possible. At the point when words are useless--all you need is that person, and hopefully, all he or she needs is you. And you squeeze so tight that you convince yourself that you're still connected, that he or she won't forget about you, that your memory of him or her cannot fade.

I saw my Carly today. For the first time since, I don't know, maybe in passing some Sunday in the spring? It'd been so long. I babbled a little, but I wish I hadn't. I could've hugged her all morning.

that kind of September

try to remember that kind of September
when life was slow and oh so mellow

Things aren't yet crazy at work like I had anticipated. Haven't started working on the move yet, haven't started training yet. Which is to say, when I get home at 3:30 or so, I am bored. Not events- and activities-wise, I enjoy myself, but intellectually. I know, how many years did I spend griping about writing papers and such...but I hardly know what to do with myself without that kind of structure.

Need to contact Drury and help persuade them to open a severe special ed Master's. Kerri says they're thinking about it!! Not that I can afford any more Drury education...but I need somethin'.

Just finished rereading Icy Sparks by Gwyn Hyman Rubio. I first read it when I was fifteen. On the last page, 15-year-old Marie had drawn an arrow to some text with the note, "this is where I started bawling." 22-year-old Marie had not been moved in the slightest. hahaha. ch-ch-changes...

I've only got two days of school this week. Day off tomorrow, and then MANDT training (how to hold down a violent child so neither of you gets hurt) Thursday-Friday. I'll miss my little guys!!!!

Should I write a book?

So, my ambitions as a writer passed away years ago, but I've lately been possessed with a passion, perhaps derived from nothing more than boredom,* to write a book. Not fiction (I never learned to write fiction), but instead the height of self-centeredness: a memoir. Who cares, right? I'm a 22-year-old chick no different from bazillions of other recent liberal arts grads from a middle-class background. Well, I can write pretty well, I think, and I'm pretty funny, plus this is my working title:
DAMN: A Young Woman's Reckoning with Tourette Syndrome

I would so read that. LMAO.

the question, though, is would I WRITE it. I do not have a history of being able to motivate myself for, well, anything...but I already have a scratch outline! But it'll require a lot of research...lol. We'll see. it could be fun. even if no one but y'all ever read it. hahaha.

*A discussion with my aunt a few weeks ago helped spark this. She was telling me about a professor in Denver who has autism and has written about having autism. I was saying that I didn't think I could speak for TS because my case was so mild, but my aunt thought this was baloney. My experience is perfectly valid. Sensational cases are the exception; there are lots of people going through something mild just like me.

Another Meme

In One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez writes of Meme,

Se entregó a Mauricio Babilonia sin resistencia, sin pudor, sin formalismo, y con una vocación tan fluida y una intuición tan sabia, que un hombre más suspicaz que el suyo hubiera podido confundirlas con una acendrada experiencia.

She surrendered to Mauricio Babilonia without resistance, without shyness, without formalities...

---

I'd like to think I've gotten my most wild moments out of my system. Certainly come my big girl job (Decemberish) I can't pAArty anymore. And I don't really want to be irresponsible in the first place...

Not a personal failing?

"Racism, the argument goes, should not be thought of as a personal failing; it's a social system, with a specific history."
from the new yorker

It kind of irks me when someone says, defensively, that he or she is not racist. (Mostly because that comment is usually made as a disclaimer on making some sort of racist remark.) I like to think of myself as an idealist, but I struggle with racism. I can admit it; other than admitting it in public horrifies people, makes them think I'm slime. But I don't think I struggle with it more than other people...I'm just aware of it? Racist not in a "omg i hate people who are not white" sense, of course, but in a making-subconscious-judgments sense, a hypersensitivity sense, a I-don't-know-how-to-talk-to-you sense.

Avenue Q tells us that everyone's a little bit racist. I have to agree. Not because we WANT to be...it's just how we're raised. And not through a fault of our parents, necessarily, but because of the social system...I mean, for my own example, I'm from the suburbs. There were black people around, but I never had any interaction with anyone very different from me. There weren't ever any black people in my advanced/honors classes. Here and there in music classes, maybe, but not in calculus; not in college comp; not in physics; not in AP English; not in Spanish 5. I find this extremely troubling.

This is obviously not true of every high school. But it shouldn't be happening at all. Why were there no high-achieving minority students in my graduating class? There were 500ish of us, after all. Even with the minority population being the, well, minority, statistically speaking, there oughta be someone...

On top of the whole societal thing, it didn't help that my first experience with getting to know an African-American person well ended disastrously. I mean, that gives me a bad leg on race relations just through classical conditioning. I mean, if the first time I tried sushi I got sick, I would be wary of sushi, right? Even if it wasn't the fact that it was sushi that made me sick.

And so after that I found myself trying to overcompensate for my being a little freaked out by being hyper-aware of racial attitudes. Like, TOO much, panicking at the n-word, seeing societal racism in everything. Plus, at that same time, I was reading Wright's Native Son, which shows the plight of Bigger Thomas as being entirely the fault of society.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. But, I think society/everyone needs to acknowledge racism in order for things to get any better. But people don't like to think that they're racist, because it's sooooo politically incorrect.

dunno...

and wishes on a star just don't come true

Here we are...

I'm glad to be back to work tomorrow. I've missed my kids.

so i go, and i will not be back here again

i'm gone as the day is fading on white houses

(please realize that the title of this post is a lyric from high school musical.)

freakin' allergies. I hate August.

august ftw

What day is it? last forty minutes of the sixth. three days. I thought I was going to be fine, fine, fine, but then last night as I lay awake shivering I couldn't stop the flashbacks. I wish...I don't wish for that, that never would have worked, but I wish for the hope and optimism and puppy love and trust that I had then? Because all that was lovely.

and what it all comes down to
is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine

My baby girl turns nine tomorrow. She's one of my best friends...yet I've talked to her maybe three times since last summer. She knew EVERYTHING G-rated about my life, and a decent amount of the PG-rated, haha. Nine. Third grade. I remember her as the shy three-year-old; the defiant four-year-old; the lazy five-year-old; the curious six-year-old; the sassy seven-year-old...God, she's growing up. I realized that I love kids because of her; I'd never babysat prior to her, and thought I didn't like kids. I learned how to deal with kids on her (ie, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!). I had the joy of helping someone develop a love for reading. I experienced the bewilderment of her grieving for some obscure relative she'd never known. I basically got to practice being a mother, heh. Beyond that, we had battles of wills, we cuddled and napped together, we argued over who loved Zac Efron more, we had lazy days of watching cartoons and eating junk food, we went on all sorts of adventures throughout the city, we teased each other about boys.




Happy birthday, Squirt. You growing up may make me cheesily reflective, but more importantly, it gives you that much more opportunity to kick a lot of ass. Love you forever.

side ponytaaaail

Sonnet to the side ponytail.
by mememarie.

When you first think about side ponytails,
the image might not be so flattering.
With perms and leggings, see, it fails
to show its full potential, shuddering.
The little girls who rocked it in our youth
are growing up and claiming our old trend.
Sans scrunchie, god, but still, to tell the truth,
we love it just as much as we did then.
Paired with a suit it really can look nice--
side ponytails are fun and flirty, too.
Please realize with me that it will suffice
at home, at work, at play, when out, please do!
I must confess, though, when it's seen on me,
I'm in it for the kitsch and irony.

11 days

...and I am doing splendidly, after some facebook-stalking that I expected would be upsetting! haha. (Although, to be honest, that's probably due more to one detail in the stalking than the stalking in general...)

Bored bored bored. Not having anything to do during the day sucks balls. I can only read or watch bad tv for so long.

L-town next week. It'll be good to see everyone. But I don't expect my daytimes will be much more stimulating than they are at the moment...

*shrug.*

This was my problem for a lot of last summer; just nothing to do (during the day). Which just makes for a cycle of lethargy and laziness. Back to school in a week and a half! :)

so he said, would it be all right if we just sat and talked for a little while,
if in exchange for your time, i give you this smile?
and she said, that's okay, as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart
and leave me all alone in the summer

the latest incarnation of "the plan."

No more MSU for me. They don't have a severe special ed program, and my classroom can in no way, shape, or form be squinted at enough to look like mild/moderate. Actually, it turns out that nobody offers a SDD (severe developmental disorders) masters or certification. Something about how districts will hire ya for an SDD position with a mild/moderate certificate. I guess having a teaching position prior to certification is kind of unusual, lolll. (I don't have a teaching position yet--that'll be sometime around December 12, when a teacher is due to squeeze one out.) But, yeah. I was telling my principal that I was kind of stuck and she suggested a new option. I am going to pursue Applied Behavior Analysis certification. ABA is the underlying methodology of our entire autism program. That certification would be more valuable to me in working with autism (here or wherever the wind blows me) than a token teaching certificate that doesn't really help with my group of kids. So, yup yup. I'm gonna take the fall semester off (um, although I haven't thought about insurance-type stuff yet...shit), just so I can focus on training for and then starting my new position, and hopefully start classes in the spring.

Also, I "decided" yesterday that once I finish whatever post-baccalaureate coursework I'm gonna do, I will buy myself a car as a reward/because I will then have money freed up from not paying tuition. LOL. I love my car, she's served me well, I've always planned to use it until it dies, but I rode with another teacher yesterday to a field trip and her car's just so damn FANCY. hahahaha. I want a Camry hybrid...do they still make those? Maybe by that point, years from now, they'll be marketing plug-in hybrids. mmmm.

In other news, it's my two-week break, hooray!!! Much sleeping in and laying out is in my immediate future. Um, and studying for my psych final...heh. And then headin' north, yay!

7-23

So all day at work when I was recording the date (which I do a lot lol), I kept thinking, 7-23, 7-23, why does this date sound so familiar? I was like, is it somebody's birthday? What am I forgetting? Then I got it. It was just because 7-23 last year was such a huge day in my memory, a day for which I'd been gearing up for months. It started out simply enough, hanging out with my best girl Carly, but then I saw the Hush Sound with a couple of my favorite people and it was such a lovely evening. Definitely my best concert experience. And then schmoozing with the bands afterward: "Zac" approaching me, Bob hitting [on] Caitlin, me drooling over Greta's hair.

And then I went home and.........[previous post in mind].........did not sleep a wink before departing for Colorado the next morning.

loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
you always let me down

Good night to 7-23. This makes it seventeen days.

Oh yeah, and after that post yesterday, let me tell you, I had one HELL of a dream last night, hahaha...

countdown

(I set this deadline for myself a couple weeks ago, but haven't written it down anywhere until now; maybe this'll keep me honest, heh.)

So I have 18 days left to purge myself of a lot of bitterness.

What happened to me wasn't that bad. It's not anyone's fault* that it occurred on the tail end of a major depressive episode [and probably prolonged it]. I don't have the right to be so bitter toward a person when it was my own brain-chemical imbalances that were causing the bulk of the pain.

But, hooray! 18 days until I can listen to the hush sound, to panic at the disco, to MY FAVORITE MUSIC, without longing for what never could have been. 18 days until remembering the best experience of my high school years (MSA) doesn't make me cranky. 18 days until Batman Whatever-the-Joker-movie-is-called doesn't piss me off. 18 days until I no longer just kind of glare whenever I hear the name "West Plains."

18 days until I can read the chunk asterisked above without a bunch of bitter, snide remarks running through my head...

The whole "trusting men ever again" thing will take longer, because that wasn't his sole doing. But maybe this is a step down that road? I mean, not that that's even a road I WANT to go down, ever, necessarily...

*gesture*

Listening to Spice Girls on the way home tonight I realized what had started a year ago tonight. I was halfway-composing an emo blog, but you know, I am not feeling emo. I am feeling energized and well-rested and in love with life. So fuck that. ha!

Remind me sometime later to write a post about my failure as an environmentalist.

Thinking about joining my church here in Springfield. As far as FBC-Sf vs. LMBC goes, sure, it would make more sense to be a member of FBC now that I'm here for a good long while. But what's holding me back is...I mean...I just don't believe some of the whole Baptist doctrine. The whole Christianity doctrine. I love church. I love being involved and helping people and the superficial kind of stuff. But I 100% do not believe John 14:6, the whole no one comes to the Father except through Jesus thing. And probably to join a church I'd have to agree to some sort of basic doctrine, and that would be on it. And I can't lie to join a church, for goodness' sake. So I would be joining for the wrong reasons, I guess? I want to join because it's weird for me to be so involved and not even be a member, mostly. So that I can be a better part of the community. Not for any God-type reasons at all...

I mean, look at my facebook page. My religious beliefs are not "love God, love people" (the essence of Christianity, I would say). My religious beliefs are "love your neighbor as yourself."

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, and I love Him (It? Her?). But I just don't see how that's anywhere near as relevant, as important, as necessary, as doing everything you can to end suffering here in the terrestrial realm.

In conclusion...I have no motivation to remain a member at my home church. But I don't think I can honestly join a church with my current belief set.

Perspective

The concept of gaining "perspective" has been on my mind for over a year now. A couple of current examples:

Friday at work I screamed like a girl when I saw a centipede scurry across the carpet in the classroom...yet I am no longer fazed by nasty, nasty diapers (NB: this is aided by how I discovered where we keep latex gloves, hahaha).

It's tempting for me to feel put-upon for all of a sudden having to teach music class at VBS...yet the reason I am doing so is because the supposed-to-be teacher's 42-year-old nephew died from a rare genetic somethin' that killed his sister two years ago.

Sorry for the lack of bloggage. It's really just work and my class and hangin' out with my girls. :)

(doing my psych homework)

I never realized that a phobia was a disorder. I thought it was fairly normal.

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/specphob.htm

Yeeeeah...

geeze. Just one other psychiatric condition on my checklist. haha

love

I. love. my. job.

I can't imagine doing anything else with my life...

My position isn't exactly enough to live on long-term. But if we buy that other building and make it autism-only...we'd need more teachers, surely? I could be a teacher?

Because right now the prospect of secondary English provokes the following reaction in me: "meh." I mean, it would be fine. But I don't think it would be nearly as satisfying as what I do now. I don't think there's as much love in that line of work. And maybe that's selfish of me. But I love my kids with all my heart. It's not the same thing I have with Carly, but it's similar. I don't know if I have it in me do love the hundred-something teenagers I would have at a time.

Hmm. Maybe I should figure out if MSU has a certification/master's concurrent program for special ed.

Yes, I'd like some cheese with this whine

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
...you always let me down

Allergies kicking my ass. Broke my phone. My back (incl. back of my legs) is hot pink and my front is still kinda pale-ish. I've been two stuffed up the last two nights to wear my retainers; they won't fit me very well tonight. I have nasty bruises on my thighs. I miss my Liberty friends. It's somewhat soul-crushing to see the status updates of my two fb friends who are in Teach for America training. MSA alumni day is next week and at some point I'd promised I'd go and I almost wish someone would hold me to it. I have to start waking up at 6-something again this week. I've been having trouble falling asleep, and then having really vivid, not-restful dreams.

Whine, whine, whine.

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, good things:

Nice laid-back weekend with A (and L here and there), after a nice laid-back week with L (and A here and there)--and tomorrow a mini-road trip with all three of us! :)
I go back to my kiddos Monday!!!
Finally got my MSU stuff figured out and have worked ahead in my classes.
Finished watching True Blood, also known as "X-men plus sex" (is there anyone out there who's familiar with both series, who can appreciate this?)
Finished Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal
I love my room. Bookshelf, bed, curtain, lamp, posters. I just need a few photos for my east wall and then I think I'll be finished.
I talked to Alex today
I'm gonna have a sweet tan (on my back and the backs of my legs) in a couple days

and you, maybe you'll remember me
what i gave you is yours to keep

Memory

and he said, would it be all right if we just sat and talked for a little while, if in exchange for your time i give you this smile?

Things I never remember:
the majority of the spring 2008 semester
my June visit to Kirksville last year
volunteering at Love INC last summer
volunteering at Rainbow Network in...spring 07?
MSA
how I ditched my friends for the latter chunk of last summer
the aftermath of the party in April
how much better puppy love feels than cynical lust

and she said, that's okay, as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart, and leave me all alone in the summer

I don't usually talk about this

So, I have quirky conceptions of privacy, I think. For most of my life I was fine with discussing the TS thing...then I learned to be embarrassed about it, just a couple of years ago, probably. Meanwhile I'm fine with discussing my boy troubles with just about anyone, I only draw the line at, say, my parents.

I work with kids with autism. One feature of autism is self-stimulation: sensory stuff. One example of "stimming," as we call it, would be a kid flapping his hands in front of his eyes. A couple of my kids stim like this. It's interesting to me because it greatly resembles my main tic.

One thing that's always been unique about my TS is that I don't realize when I'm ticking. It's more like I just space out. Once something--a noise, usually--brings me back to reality, I snap out of it, instantly ceasing to perform the tics. I never experienced an urge to tic; I never fought the tics.

"Ryan, quiet hands!"

Just a few weeks of being hyperaware of stimming with my kids at work has changed my own experience. I now am aware of when I am ticking. This was kind of cool at first. I had never been mentally "there" while ticking, I didn't know what it felt like; now, instead of stopping the behavior once I realize I'm doing it, it's more of a, "huh, I'm ticking." And I keep doing it until I am interrupted.

This has transformed from cool to scary. I don't have control of my own body when I get like this. Just now I was watching tv by myself, and during a commercial break my hands were flapping, my tongue was pressed against my teeth, my eyes were glazed; I was aware that I looked like an idiot. I wanted to stop. I couldn't. I mean, I could physically stop the actions, and I tried, but I experienced a knot of anxiety in my chest and I had to resume the tics to relieve it.

God, TS has always just been an accessory on my life, a neat little bit of trivia. Something else for me to boast about. "Yeah, I have what can manifest into a crippling learning disability, yet I have academic honors XYZ." It was never a disorder. Every now and then someone would catch me ticking and I would get a little flustered but that was all there was to it.

I never experienced it mentally. The stress of being trapped in a tic, with relief on a timeline outside of my control. (Well, that's kind of a lie, I've always had a couple of small verbal tics that were like that, but they do not occur with anywhere near the same frequency as my motor tics.)

It's horrible...

Summertime

I'm about at the end of my summer vacation. My school is year-round, and we're currently on a two-week break, and I'm starting classes at MSU next week, so, yeah, the last week of takin' it easy was all I'll get. I spent some quality time in L-town with C and B and my family, I've been trying to finish decorating my bedroom, and I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (except in Spanish this time). I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out MSU stuff, which proved a lot more complicated than I had anticipated.

I will be doing, drumroll, the Master's of Arts in Teaching program, with certification in Secondary English. Not exactly what I had anticipated but it will be a lot easier and less time-consuming than earning elementary certification; plus I get a Master's out of it, y'know? And I will be certified in English for grades 5-9 and 9-12; at that point, I was told, I can take the elementary Praxis test and can probably get hired for fourth or fifth grade (which is what I ultimately want, for now).

The program will take me three years. For this first year, I've got my day job (which, by the way, I LOVE) and will do online and night classes (starting with two online next week). Then I'll start the MAT program hardcore, with an intensive summer educational workshop next year (which will mark the end of my time with my kiddos :[ ); after that I can start teaching in my own secondary language arts classroom. After one year of teaching (and the accompanying MSU-work) I will be certified; after a second year I will have my Master's. May 2012.

Cool.

Never saw myself staying in the 'field for three more years but there ya go. I'm SO excited about the prospect of earning my Master's, and finally getting into a classroom. :) I can be a real teacher in a year.

In other news, I love the New Yorker.

I think that's all for now.

oh it is my birthday

Token reflection-y post. So. 21 was officially my year of CRAZINESS. How now, 22?

Last year I rang in my birthday for a week (most of which with Caitlin!), starting with seeing Wicked, a show I didn't even really like at that point, on the 24th, and concluding with passing out at a concert and ruining everyone's night on June 1. With plenty of best friends, boys, and booze in between. Actually not so much plenty of boys, just too much focus on one who didn't deserve it.

Birthday week last year included:
learning to ride a bike
cider and vodka in andrea's basement
metro station
filming a music video (alex eating a beanie baby?)
video games
swinging
the blue skirt all week long
bar-hopping in l-town
discovering the power and light district
the "awkward party" that more than lived up to its name
alcoholic bubble tea
kansas
spooning linz on r's bed
lots of mexican food but only one margarita (it was banana!)
a day to myself to catch up a little while my friends were at a big concert
my third-ever journey to kirksville; the first of four rather monumental visits of the summer
so, so, so much awkwardness
sitting bitch between r and kent
lookin' hott at "skankalicious" birthday party
embarrassing myself at said party
playing with a dog
not sleeping; just sipping water while "thx fr th mmrs" blasted in my head. all night.
early morning on the porch with the bubble machine, and eventually with caitlin.
etc.

birthday festivities this year:
going out saturday night.
i had a tasty beverage this afternoon.
going out for caitlin's birthday friday night.

Birthday 2009 sounds much more manageable, don't you think?

I'm still alive?

So, my birthday's in eight days...? That's kind of sneaked up on me. God, what a year 21 has been.

I've dropped off the face of the planet lately, I realize this and I apologize. I'm getting used to a new lifestyle and just barely keeping my head above the water. I'll be back soon I think.

I love my job. I love my kids...

now

last night I couldn't sleep. I'd toss and turn, toss and turn, and finally drift off only to dream of A or D or more juvenile nightmares too and wake up within the hour.

the pieces are falling into place perfectly. I LOVE my job, I LOVE the new apt.

But it'll take me a while to learn to balance everything. Right now I feel sooooo disconnected. I haven't spent time with Ashley or Lindsey or Stella in what feels like ages (NB: I suppose this is by choice atm, but I need to go to bed), let ALONE latesacaitlinbethanyvincentericalexmomdadcarlyandrealydia etc...

sweet marie, there's a hole where your heart should be

Miss Self-sufficient

Me: *being appreciative about how Dad drove down to help me move,* "I was pretty helpless..."
Mom: "I don't know how you could be helpless about anything, we raised you to be independent!!!"

:)

I'd never thought of it that way, or she's never put it that way, but, I don't know, it was really cool to hear her say that. When I'm trying to be liberal chic I have a tendency to inadvertently slander my parents. They're not oppressive...they just have some different views on things than I do. Who cares that their politics are different than mine? In this country you really have a fifty fifty shot of that. My parents are far from some horrible fundamentalist stereotype: I was raised to be independent and kick ASS, not to get an MRS degree or to rely on someone to come rescue me.

better

Hey, so, I have a job! :) I'm going to be a full time teacher's aide at a private, year-round school for special needs kids. I'll be working with children with autism, specifically. I am SO EXCITED.

Just a month ago I was so terrified of graduation. Now I've wrapped up my coursework (with a 4.0 for the semester, I think!), I have a plan for the immediate future, and I can't wait to see where it takes me. :)

To sleep, perchance to dream

I've gone to bed so early lately. The other night I crashed at 7:30, for God's sake. I certainly have no shortage of rest at the time being. However, it doesn't seem to help. I got nine hours of sleep last night and then spent half an hour hitting the snooze button before getting up for church. What gives? And it's not even like I'm trying to compensate, like, sleeping nine hours a night alternating with sleeping three hours a night. I've been getting good chunks of sleep pretty consistently for a bit here...yet I am never rested. Pretty soon (this goes in cycles) I'll hit the "what the fuck, I'm gonna be tired anyway, might as well stay up late goofing off" stage but I just wish I could wake up one morning ready to seize the day.

Year in Review

Tonight was my Honors presentation. I've been researching and worrying about this topic for the last year; tonight it is over forever. I'm closing the book.

Time to close the book on something else I've been worrying about for a year.

Well, write it, and then close it.
(NB: I am not feeling nearly angsty enough at the moment to do justice to this post...as it is, it's just the prewriting I did a week or so ago. It's really not that interesting--I like my facebook note better.)


Believe it or not, one year ago today was my first kiss. I don't like to give that person a lot of credit, but it really was a huge turning point in my life. My naivete, my romantic notions of how things ought to be between a woman and a man, were shattered forever. This was extremely traumatizing; it took me months to recover, to learn from and be able to use this newfound worldliness and wisdom.

I went into a severe depression.

In my bewildered state of mind, I found myself drunk off my ass at a frat party. I was being outgoing and flirty, something completely new to me--I wasn't quite confident in my appearance yet, although the prior encounter had made me suspect that maybe I could be hott.

Less traumatized but still entirely weirded out--and feeling extremely guilty--I tried to pull my life back together. I found something to do with my time; I quit drinking (lasted six weeks!!); I found unlikely confidants to provide me with perspective.

I was shocked to find myself falling for one such confidant. I'd never really had feelings for someone before, beyond vague crushes here and there. We spent a perfect weekend together and I found myself in my first-ever relationship. I was equally thrilled and terrified. And rightly so; it ended as abruptly as it began. I was crushed; the ecstasy that had replaced my summer funk led to a crash right back into depression.

At this point I was getting bitter.

On Halloween I first found myself at a nightclub. Alcohol, loud music, throbbing basslines. Costumes, masks. I danced with several guys and was horrified when one kissed me. After spending a lot of time stressing about it and trying to determine what it "meant" to me, the next week us girls went out again and I found myself in the arms of some other guy on the dance floor. I didn't care at all this time.

The time at the end of January...

I exchanged phone numbers with this one, a first for me. We hung out--Guitar Hero, movies--but he wasn't really my type. One night I was at a party on campus and was texting him, and he showed up at my apartment, much to my bewilderment. I was drunk and things got out of hand. However, having crossed the line, I didn't see the harm in continuing to do so and we dated for another three or four weeks--until I realized he had been lying to me about something extremely important. I walked out. I was never sad about him...I'd never gotten emotionally involved.

And, meanwhile, keep in mind that these are only my own experiences--my girlfriends were being treated like shit by guys all along, as well. I have very little trust in men at all at this point, seeing extremely rare examples of men who are considerate, nice, honest.

Earlier this month I was at another Drury party and was also flirty and outgoing there, which led to another instance of extreme circumstances.

All this within a year of my absolute first kiss--what a year it has been. I didn't know there was so much to learn about myself that I had been completely blind to. Like that I don't care about physical things. Like that, even as female judgment cuts like a knife, I find myself doing it, too. Like how the love of my friends is so much more important to me than romance right now--yet I can't deny physical desire.

I don't let the dramz cripple me anymore. For better or for worse. I don't get emotionally involved. It really makes it all so much more pleasant...(and, yes, I recognize that this is not necessarily healthy).


A year.

Will the next year bring about such dramatic growth for me?

Will it bring about any?

words 2.0

words

Summer morning and I forget it's only April.
I walk to class automatically,
Almost expecting to see Carly.
Perfect weather soon yields to sticky lethargy,
But in the meantime...

Seasons echo the cycles of my own life.
I'm not the girl I was last spring:
Naive, idealistic, wanting, needing.
I'm not the woman I was last summer:
Needing, desperate, clinging, betrayed.
I'm not even the person I was three weeks ago...

Regrets?
Not really...
I feel so much more genuinely me,
That perhaps it was worth the pain.
I've learned so much more in the last twelve months
Than in the twenty years before them.

I know I can't keep living like this.
It's not, well, sustainable,
To use our favorite catchphrase.
Already there have been calls far too close.

Yet I don't know what else there is.

Before this door of my personality was opened,
Flirty, sexy, confident, fun,
I...I could feel the void?

I don't want to close the door and reclaim that boring-ness...



(NB: I think this is prose, just spaced out to more clearly show my thought process. It's been the English Symposium this week and I've had to go to readings and stuff...I wish I could do creative writing, but I just don't think I have the discipline...)


on a cloudy day it's more common than you think
he's my first mistake

staying

It's kind of like how in junior year of high school I'd proclaim far and wide that, "IF I go to school in Missouri, it'll be at MU." And then ended up here.

Sometimes the right decision isn't nearly so drastic...yet is so much more perfect than I could have ever imagined.

The obvious huge benefits of staying include:
-Being a teacher, YAY
-Not losing my "home" for at least another year
-Not being far from my hometown and the people I love there

I keep thinking of smaller consequences of staying, too:
-I can go to Brett and Micah's wedding
-I can go to the Sherman Alexie convo next year, omg!
-I don't have an excuse to NOT attend MSA 25th-anniversary festivities...

On a different note, for English senior sem we have to write a narrative paper about either our "intellectual autobiography" (what books, etc have shaped the way we think) or how we've changed throughout our college educations (in terms of values and beliefs: intellectual, personal, spiritual, political). I'm definitely doing the latter and I am SOOOO excited about it. I kept jotting down notes during class yesterday and I honestly don't know how I'll fit it all in. I am so excited. Other than no one else would speak up and attest to a similar transformation...oh well, I can be the black sheep I suppose.
I think I'm gonna open my paper with,

Things have changed for me,
and that's okay,
I feel the same,
I'm on my way...

a man, a plan, a canal: panama!

Okay, actually the only part of the title I care about is the "plan." Here it is (grin!):

I am enrolling in classes at Missouri State University to earn teacher certification.
I am living in a beautiful apartment with two of my best friends.

Financing the plan TBD, but I am soooooooo excited! About the specific plans, and about HAVING PLANS itself, omg. It's about time, haha.

I'm gonna be a teacher! :D
And I don't have to leave Ashley and Lindsey! :D
And our new home is soooo nice! :)

it's all been done

It's hard for me to think of anything to write. I feel like in the three months of this blag I've said the same thing over and over. And in two weeks I'm gonna recap it all, anyway (April 27 is gonna be an EPIC post, I'm just sayin', ahaha). What can I say? To quote Ecclesiastes, there is nothing new under the sun...or to quote BNL, it's all been done.

Joseph Campbell, one of the foundations of my big research paper. He equates every story from every culture throughout all of human history. Every culture tells the same story because every person can relate to it because it is his or her own life on a more significant level. (This inspired an existential crisis in me sometime last fall, heh.)

If so much of individual existence is the same, the same, the same, where does the individual find his or her meaning?

I can't answer that question. But, I mean, it doesn't matter if the shit I'm going through, millions of people have gone through before; it's new to ME. All I am is my mind, my personality, my consciousness. THAT is what matters. Cogito ergo sum. 'Tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The way I perceive the world, my experiences--even if my experiences are nothing novel, the way I perceive them is 100% unique.

And so what?

I don't know.

One of my professors said the key to bringing about social change, to ending racism, to ending oppression, is a life of the mind. To read, to be aware, to be able to relate and consider and maybe, just maybe, understand. This really struck me.

I don't have any answers, but I'm okay with that for now.

update

and if the timing is right to sneak off into the night
i'll let myself be taken just for the thrill
and if i'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands
i will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance

See my old posts regarding hedonism and such. Still valid.

Not so valid: my old identification with the following lyrics:
you sit there in your heartache
waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways

I don't want a beautiful boy to save me. Boys don't, CAN'T do that, and it's foolish to expect it. Prince Charming syndrome...I may have grown up on Disney movies, but they're completely unrealistic. Plus, being saved from my old ways--the price of that, as I learned last summer, would be making myself vulnerable. I've witnessed enough hurting, I don't want to go anywhere near that. The best I can hope for, for the time being at least, is to have some fun...while keeping my heart tucked safely away.

i have no doubt that i could love you forever
the only trouble is, i really don't have the time
i have one night only, one night only, that's all i have to spare
one night only, let's not pretend to care

(lyrics: the hush sound, "boys are too refined;" the killers, "when you were young;" dreamgirls, "one night only")

P.S. It's snowing. I do NOT approve. What ever happened to spring??

i don't get marriage.

what's so special about a relationship that happens to involve sex that two people get to commit to love each other for the rest of their lives? why is it okay for friendships to slowly fade across distance but it's the end of the world when it's romance? what i mean to say is, i care more strongly about my girlfriends than i can EVER really imagine caring about some dumbass guy. why isn't there a way to commit to love each other forever, to perform the necessary maintenance on the relationship, to be heartbroken when we're apart...? i mean, yeah, it's a lot more logistically difficult when you think of more than just two people, obviously five people have to go their separate ways i guess, but...idk. i'd rather be married to caitlin lindsey ashley latesa, in the sense of commitment and love and putting effort into the relationships and cohabitation, and just use guys for physical needs without getting emotionally attached.

won't worry my life away

I didn't want that to be the top of my blog anymore.

What else do I have to say, though?

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself...

In the meantime, it's nearly spring break!

waste of texts

setting: at icon. he's there, i'm hardcore avoiding him. womanizer plays.

me: "Hey, it's the song about you!" 12.42a
him: "Wat...u dont even wanna talk to me" 12.51a
me: "No not really. As my girl britney says, you're nothin but a womanizer. And as my girl ashley says, you're an asshole. Have a good evening." 12.53a
him: "Im not but k" 12.54a
me: "Okay, nice guys lie about using a condom, sure." 12.54a
him: "It sliped off..." (that is a damned lie) 12.57a
*time passes*...and my friends chew him out. :)
him: "I cant believe u told ur frens that bs" 1.18a
me: "well, I can't believe you did it" 1.18a
him: "U kno im a great guy...watever" 1.19a
me: "Of all the possible ways you could have tried to get back on my good side, you really thought that one would work?" 1.21a
*icon closes. as for me and my posse, we relocate to t-bell*
him: "Wat r u doing" 1.28a
me: "Are you serious?" 1.29a
him: *calls me*
Rafe: *answers,* "one, two, three, shut the fuck up."
him: "Who was that dick" 1.33a
me: "My friend rafe. Took my phone." 1.50a
him: "Wat r u doing" 1.51a
me: "Why?" 1.52a
him: "I love u...i miss ur pretty face n smile" 1.54a
me: "What???" 1.57a
Lindsey, Ashley, Latesa, Chris, all to him: "Fuck you!" 1.58a
him: "Can i come over" 2.04a
me: "No. What do you not understand?" 2.05a

maybe you were all faster than me

so i can close that chapter. i am so relieved. i won't be ready for that kind of responsibility for a very long time. and yet, in pondering worst-case scenarios, the sense of direction it would have given my life was actually pretty appealing. i don't know what i'm living for; in that case, i would have. you know? not that i WANT to be in that situation. let me be clear, i DON'T, and i am soooo glad i'm not. but it just helped me think some stuff through.

like permanence.
in my life, when i graduate, there will be nothing permanent. but in a GOOD way. i don't have to decide the rest of my life when they hand me the diploma. this is something i knew abstractly, but after considering worst-case scenarios, you know, i think i'm more comfortable with it. i don't need to get my dream job right away; i need to get *a* job right away, make enough money to pay the rent, and maybe enjoy myself a little, i AM just a kid. why not go someplace completely new, use my savings to put a deposit on an apartment, and then find a job? i think i'd be rather more motivated in that kind of situation than from sitting at my computer at my parents' house. and, god, i'd be living, even if i was eating nothing but ramen and sleeping on the floor. my parents' house (which they wouldn't let me stay there for more than MAYBE the summer, anyway) may have a comfy bed and plenty of food, but it holds me down. i don't have the liberty to LIVE in liberty, to explore and force myself to be independent and to learn and to break free.

i mean, when i stop and consider when i have been most at peace with me, the moments in which i was nothing more or less than me, without acting according to others' expectations...london london london. far away from years of routine, far away from the structures i'm used to, far away from people who will do things for me when i don't want to, far away from everything i know (except for one of my best friends!!!).
and i was incredibly homesick and missed the people i loved. but i learned so much about myself.

i think that's what i need to do in may. well not london obviously. but somewhere not missouri...

i'm sure my mind is a lot clearer than it would have been had i gotten bad news but it might be TOO clear; i don't think i can write. four days...but i do have Tuesday Night Marie Time in the meantime...

maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
those funny little things we never mean
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go, and i will not be back here again...

who will buy this wonderful morning?

oh oh oh, look at my hair, what 'do can compare with my hair today?
i've got my hairspray and radio, i'm ready to go!
the rats on the street all dance around my feet
they seem to say, tracy, it's up to you

Isn't it amazing what something like the weather can do to one's mood?
I have energy. I haven't had energy, been my spazzy, crazy-eyed self, in so long. I'm happy, for no particular reason, but just to be alive.
Sure, there are bad things, there are worries, but so what? Focus on today, tomorrow will worry about itself.
There are good things like waking up to Stella's wtf face, like wonderful friends who love me even when I do really stupid things, like squeezing some girl time into our packed schedules, like TWO WEEKS until I see my best friend, like wearing a skirt on a beautiful day, like purple nail polish, like my relationship with my hair, like Cien anos de soledad and To the Lighthouse and how I actually GET them this time around and contribute great things to discussion, like free laundry tonight thanks to Bacchus, like having all my spring break appointments on the same day so I can hopefully sub four days, like chick flicks that reclaim the matriarchy rather than surrender it (eg, Waitress), like chocolate, like remembering Oliver and Godspell and other shows, like singing, like so, so much more that I can't even name right now.

I love you. I'm truly sorry for being such an asshole lately. Call me on it when I'm slipping that way again, okay?

lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have i

i know

i've been an awful friend lately. okay? i know. and it's really too late for me to do anything about how i behaved for the last month; it's in the past, you know? i'm sorry, if that's worth anything, which i doubt it is. i got carried away.

i've never had a lot of friends, i don't know much about the mechanics of friendship,

but i know that i, and my friends, have tendencies of repressing annoyances and more significant complaints, and that this works in the short term but just ends up with a lot of resentment that explodes out of NOWHERE all of a sudden.

i'd prefer honesty than to be tricked into suddenly becoming the villain in a carefree exchange of text-messaging or by giving the same advice you'd give me. even if it hurts at first, at least i would know WHY.

i don't want to hurt you, okay? that is my number one priority. i am in love with you girls, nothing means more to me than these friendships. but if i don't know what it is i'm doing that hurts you, i can't change, and the pent-up resentment hurts us both.

reasons have always been important to me. i love to know why things happen. i hate surprises.

please tell me why. (bsb or not, your choice).

and this goes out to -all- my girlfriends.

un premio de consolacion

Had a good day in English today. I've spent a lot of time and energy resenting that class for a variety of reasons but I loved it today, the discussion and the energy. It really helped my spirits, something that class has never done before, lol. I'm going through a lot of stress and suspense right now but I was able to find peace in literature, in thinking. I'm sure it won't last too long but I feel so much better than I did. I mean, no matter what happens...I know I'll be okay. I mean, I've never really had a plan for after college anyway, so how could one detail or another drastically alter my -nonexistent- plans?

I found myself wanting to talk about it today, not with my network of girlfriends who know the gory details already, but with...I used to have a guy friend, we weren't close at all, but every now and then we'd have a really personal conversation about what all was going on in our lives. And we had some really good insight for each other. And it was just good to have a guy's perspective.
But I don't have that anymore...

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
you always let me down

You know, I've had two different sets of plans to see Watchmen, plans that are no longer in the cards for various reasons. Maybe it's not meant to be. I'd meant to reread it before I saw the movie, anyway.

happy march!

ugh, i'm just sitting here ticking like crazy and thinking, thinking, thinking worrying.
try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you, oh, don't you know everything's all right, yes, everything's fine...
tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic
honors...
i really think it's a lost cause for tonight.
but i HAVE to.
my shoulders are cramping, i'm ticking so hard.
(for a comparison, i rarely notice myself ticking at ALL.)
lesson learned: stress exacerbates it. i guess that makes sense lol...

untitled

not like she didn't know this was coming. she was aware all along that when it ended, it would end badly--how could it not, given how it started? she took a deep breath. nothing to do now but wait.

but tonight i'm giving up

you are made of sugar, milk and molasses
so, little darlin', you attract all the bees
you are the gazer, you are the attraction
it takes a little vanity to know what it means

i know it 'cause you wrote it down a hundred times
but you say that you're doin' just fine

say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, tonight you're giving up

i asked a question, give me an answer
you say the word and i will disappear
you're running fast, but you can run faster
heels to the dirt, gonna make it clear

i know it 'cause you wrote it down a hundred times
but you say that you're doin' just fine

say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, you know you'll never find it

say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
you wanted something better
but tonight, tonight you're giving darkness
you can't hear me
i will try to draw you near me
but in the morning you will wake up alone...
when your body breaks
even the hummingbirds will feel the earthquake
you'll sing a song of your heart's complaints

sing it loud
sing it clear
oh, sing so I can hear you
then sing it soft in my ear
take it up or take out,
put me down in the grass,
i would go anywhere with you

say there's something better
you don't see it, you won't find it
say there's something better
you're behind it but you won't get it
La da da, la da da
La da da, la da da

say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, you know you'll never find it
La da da, la da da
La da da, la da da

say there's something better
you don't see it, you won't find it
Say there's something better
you're behind it but you won't get it

"molasses," the hush sound

read my life like a book

come to me baby, please fulfill my wish
show it to me truly, show me with a kiss

Oh my god, so, I have figured out why I have taken to Aqua so much lately. I mean, within the last week or so, I just listen to Aqua a LOT. It's weird. I mean, songs that had zero play counts on my itunes. Not "Barbie Girl," thank you, that song is a little TMTH even for me, but, idk, "Roses are Red," "Calling You," "My Oh My." ("Dr. Jones" is an exception of sorts--I have been listening to it lately but it has always been on my guilty pleasure playlists, so it is not a rediscovery.) And I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, yeah, lately I REALLY like songs with a good beat, something danceable, but there is BETTER music of the sort available than Aqua. I mean, for god's sake, the lyrics are AWFUL. But I think I've finally put my finger on it.

I listened to Aqua in fifth grade. It brings back distinct memories of hanging out at Latchkey (the public school-facilitated childcare) with that bitch Shara and with Noah, whom I adored. I was ten years old and innocent as could be. All the more I knew about boys was that Noah was really cute and, oh my god, on Halloween we sat in an overstuffed chair together (pre-cuddling?) while we watched Hocus Pocus. I also probably had a huge crush on Jason at that time, and maybe (maybe?) Joe. But nonetheless, boys and all that they involve were completely abstract to me. There were a couple of "couples" in my fifth grade class (Drew G and Laurel P, Mike W and Hannah S), I don't know what they did as couples, went roller skating or to Worlds of Fun or that kind of thing, but, eh. I was boy-crazy in the standard tweenie sense of OH MY GOD ZAC HANSON, but I had no idea about the reality of relationships. Crushes on boys I did know were really no different than celebrity crushes; I kind of adored from afar, would have never dreamed of acting upon anything.

The thing is, though, that I never outgrew this.

I never had a boyfriend, I only barely dated (ergh). I don't know why. I just never developed the mental framework, the mindset, necessary to not only be in a relationship, but to even consider one. Throughout my lonely years of high school I pined for a boyfriend but I would not have known how to actually be a girlfriend. I mean, the one guy I had a huge crush on for years and years, if he had actually asked me out or something...? I mean, I can't even, never could, imagine it happening. Visualize it. I just didn't have the framework for it.

So, fast forward, a ways into college, I finally have some really, really good girlfriends and I'm not lonely anymore. I start thinking about how strange it is that I am such a nun. Obviously there's something wrong with me: I'm not pretty enough, I'm too weird. I no longer lack companionship and love but weird things are going on with my self-esteem nonetheless.

Meanwhile,
-I study abroad and explore my independence, relishing the adventures with Lindsey and the adventures I undertake alone.
-I witness my girlfriends who seemed so happy in their relationships betrayed and damaged by assholes and I have no idea how to help them.
-I start drinking, finally shedding the black-and-white moral code I clung to as a child.
-I think. I realize that the Bible does not contain a usable baseline morality for my own life. I don't pray, but I think.
-I familiarize myself with feminism and am able to recognize double standards, and am extremely pissed off by them.

In the past year I have finally learned some things about the realities of men and women and the interactions between them. I have lost my Disney fairy-tale expectations of being swept off my feet and eternally adored. I still have no idea of how to be in a successful relationship, but I...understand...a lot that used to be a mystery.

I am no longer innocent. But this is absolutely brand-new to me and I still do not how to put all the pieces together; meme the children's choir teacher, meme the intellectual, meme the friend, meme the lush, meme the slut.

In fifth grade I was perfectly innocent but dazzled by boys. I listened to music like Aqua, which is catchy as hell but fairly dirty (without being explicit). It was a paradox but my soundtrack nonetheless. Now, twice as far down my road in life, I find myself in a rather more complicated but similar paradox. I go to church twice a week, I'm a role model to children, I would probably most often be categorized as a "good person"...but my morals...are gone.

If I was a character in a book, I would say that I was using the music to make my dilemma seem more simple, to hearken back to my innocence while still acknowledging that something is going on. To try to reclaim the vague, abstract perception of boys and sex. Am I allowed to perform literary analysis on myself?

Or is it simply that the music is catchy as hell?

i don't wanna waste my time on simple little things
i'd rather stay here overnight with happy boys who sing
come on let's go get it on, everybody let's go have some fun

getting to know your meme

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
left knee--fell in the shower, put my knee through the wall

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
posters of scrawny cute guys, maps (yeah yeah yeah), photos

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
i do not know

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
i guess pop would be the best category title...right now lots of chick music...

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?
my ass jeans, a cute shirt, and my green sweater. i could (and kind of do) wear this every day.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to not have to do my honors project

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
black and white, right and wrong...simple categories

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
i don't know

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
five eleven

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
once in a while

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
sometimes

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
a professor, actually, haha

13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
not finding a job/failing at life

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
dark

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
up your butt.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
meat?

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
uuugh, no thanks, i got breakfast at the CX and now i feel nasty

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
pink!!!

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
noooo

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
your dick in a box

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
you could call it that

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
no

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
old navy <3

25. WHO IS YOUR FAVE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
zac efron i guess

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
stellaaaaa!

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
a lovely one

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i would try not to

29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
molasses by the hush sound

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
eighty-two

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"regrets are mistakes you haven't learned from"

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
the south bank, oh god, i miss it

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
indecision

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
yeah

37. FIRST JOB?
worlds of fun :P

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
yes

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
facebooking. err i mean, working, hehehe (i am at work, but campus is currently under a lockdown drill, so we can't do anything)

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
oral surgery

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
hair

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
yeah

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A JOB

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
toooo soon to worry about that

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
not really

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
bad hygeine

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
all the activities i was involved in

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
haven't used shampoo in coming up on four years

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
i adore my handwriting

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
turkey

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
yup

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
probably

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
hard to say

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
that is horrible wording, what does "agree with" mean??

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
some

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
bitch

59. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
i don't know...

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
happy apple

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
yes

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
yes

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
i'm kind of picky when it comes to both

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
height! hehe

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
meme

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
flying

68. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
hannah montana

69. WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
ignore them

70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookies n cream

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
*counting*...yes

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
yes

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
read...in theory...

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
a big city

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
YES. NOW.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
sassy fabulous playlist

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
agua

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
david

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
height

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
i am way too busy for spare time

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
spring

83. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
idk, chocolate

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
mmhmm!!

85. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?
brown

86. EYE COLOR?
brownish

87. SHOE SIZE?
big

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
taco bell. nom

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
idk

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
never tried it

91. WATCH TV TODAY?
no

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
birthday? idk

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
democrat

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
both

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
hmm

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
food

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
yeah

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
the world is flat, dona barbara

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
weird

friday the 13th!

it's a BEAUTIFUL day, I'm feeling extremely relieved, my hair smells really good, I'm only partially dressed, and I'm about to curl up with Stella. <3

if you seek amy tonight...

so, on the one hand, it's liberating to be making bad decisions just because it feels good...

but then I think of Nietzsche's ideas of slave morality and that essay I read last semester relating this to "hookup culture." The master's morality is two choices, right and wrong; whether the slave chooses to obey the master and do the "right," or rebel against the master and do the "wrong," the moral decision is still made within the framework of the master's morality and is therefore still under the master's control. The slave is not thinking for him- or herself in this framework even through rebellion.

So, then, society sends a lot of mixed messages regarding female sexuality, but it doesn't take much for a girl to be a "slut." More or less (and I'm thinking in, like, the environment in which I grew up, not the aforementioned hookup culture lol), the ideal femininity is pure and reserved and monogamous and does not lust and, idk, all that. And I was okay with this sexual identity for a while. But it's rather a lot of pressure--and NO fun. And so what? Well, first breaking out of that mold was pretty traumatizing, akshuly, but I have since gotten used to it.

But why, why, why do I do this? Is it pure hedonism? I've realized very recently that there is a degree of rebelling-against-good-girl-expectations in my decision-making. Which scares me. Because that's not my own decision. Choosing one of the two options in a broken system is still very much supporting and upholding the broken system.

with a taste of your lips i'm on a ride...
i'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?

So, in conclusion, bad decisions just because it feels good is NOT liberating at all. The only good thing about it is, well, that it feels good. Which has some value. I mean...I plan to keep making such decisions, for the meantime at least.

P.S. Once again Randall Munroe takes it upon himself to answer the tough questions definitively. Amazing!

but i can't do it, you womanizer

I don't know where I draw the line anymore...

you say there's something better, but tonight you know you'll never find it
you wanted something better, but tonight, tonight you're giving up

I think I'm living pretty hedonistically. Which seems so odd for me. I used to always act so logically. Not to mention prudishly...

hmm

medicine man, you dance me across the sky

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusions, staring at a crooked ground
...you always let me down

i don't wanna be the one, the one, the one that you forget
i don't, i don't, i don't just want to be your regret

lots on my mind but nothing new.
it is sunny today, that's nice.

so emo!

I can feel myself getting sad again. I don't know if I've been doing better lately because of the higher dose of drugs or because of the psychological significance of a new year/new beginning, but whatever it is, it's wearing off.

There's so much pressure on us to have Life Figured Out. I guess college wasn't nearly as difficult as high school had prepared me to expect; perhaps real life will turn out similarly? I mean, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for not actively networking and SEARCHING on a daily basis (my father tells me as much whenever we happen to talk to each other). And I really don't deal well with rejection...not getting the internship I expected/really wanted last summer shut me down to the degree that I never even looked for anything else. But I can't afford to do that now, this isn't just a summer where I can piddle around; this is the rest of my life...but I can't be expected to make decisions about the rest of my life NOW!!!! Plus my parents won't let me live with them (and I don't WANT to, don't get me wrong), so there's that pressure to be able to afford living on my own IMMEDIATELY...argh.

I don't have very many friends but even so I can't manage to be a good friend to all of them at the same time. I don't know how to fix this...

I just wanna go back to bed and not think about anything. Today sucks, from the still-falling snow to the already endless homework to the cake pan I just can't get clean.

rawr.

ice ice baby

Umm, it's been icing for five hours...but at least classes for tomorrow have been cancelled already! Sleep in...read...work on not-ignoring-my-honors-project...you know.

Turns out Teach For America's not for me after all. Which is just as well, I was not looking forward to dealing with the improper capitalization for two years. The only problem is, that sounded so perfect, I am absolutely clueless as to my next step... :(

Please, please, please, please, pleeeeease can the power not go out? kthxbai

Good things:
-no class tomorrow
-talking to C
-C's exciting interviewing!
-Reeses' brownies
-making music with A and L...haha
-Aerie Sunday/Monday
-not having any drama myself to contribute to aerie chats :)

11:11, make a wish

Classes start tomorrow. Should work wonders for resetting my internal clock, and for my persistent listlessness, and...yeah, those are the only pluses I've got. I have been quite bored for the last month or so--nothing personal, like, intellectually bored. It's no secret that I'm most satisfied when I have fifty thousand different things to do. But, ugh, I fear this semester is going to be more difficult than I could dream of...

And I have been doing a LOT better since New Year's about not keeping my mind on the past. Overall. I've had just one slip of note.
Oh, those resolutions, though...yeah they're broken.

I'm not in classes full of friends (which is to say, religion classes). I really do not expect to know most of my classmates. Maybe I'll meet new people, make new friends. (Suzy Antisocial? Ha. But, hey, it could happen!) Speaking of Suzy Antisocial, there is a rumor that Miss Meme is a "siren" which I would like to debunk. "Siren" is all about being, like, sexy and charismatic and just a magnetic personality. I'm pretty sure that if I had a magnetic personality I would have more friends than I could count on one hand. I'm not complaining, I adore my friends, just...not the rest of the world, really. :) It is true that I have a ton of fairly newfound confidence in myself and my body but that's all there is to it.

xoxo
gossip girl

Can you read my mind?

I don't know. I feel like I should have something to say. I am not sure that I actually do.

I've been living the last couple weeks thinking (on an obviously subconscious level) that it was actually the end of the summer, like, as far as my relationships and interactions with friends and family go. I know that doesn't make any sense. But whenever someone would mention some time point of reference I would catch myself thinking it was August...despite, yes, obviously it's ridiculously cold out. I never said this was a logical situation.

I have an awful memory. I always have. But on top of that, my mind is overactive when it comes to forgetting the negative...I can't tell if it's suppression or repression, but, I know I hardcore do it. My general rule for my basic bad memory is that I have about a year's worth of long-term memory, and after a year passes I only have vague recollections of certain anecdotes, rather than remembering my life as a whole. But that's not true right now; I remember NOTHING of the Spring 2008 semester. I...yeah. One day stands out (as living in infamy? perhaps. lol) but the semester as a whole...I'm like, what, I didn't live with Ashley? I took yoga??? I took a Spanish class, didn't I, maybe? I...whatever I did? It's really unnerving. Oh, but then, I just bought some lotion that I last used last winter and the smell of it is bringing up, just, a sense for my room last year, my roommates last year, stuff I don't remember at all.

*shrug.*

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is the concept of "home." I am not so sure I have a home right now. I don't say this to be emo, I just, lol I don't know if you know this about me but I think a lot. My parents' house ceased to be my home last summer. *shudder.* And here? These girls are just as much my family, but, it's hard to use a word like "home" when I'm only gonna be here a couple months...
Home is raiding the refrigerator and playing board games with Caitlin, Bethany, and Danny in the middle of the night.
Home is swinging with any of my girls when we're blue, sometimes even in January.
Home is falling asleep on the couch Latesa's bed with Ashley and Lindsey.
Home is making funny noises, funny faces, singing randomly, and not only not-being-judged, but being joined.
Home is a backrub, holding hair, and wisecracks for each other when we're sick.
Home is where we can best make fun of each other because we know each other so completely.
Home is where we don't need to finish sentences to communicate.
Home is where the heart is, they say--
So my home isn't a place. L-town, ehh. Springtown, ehh.
My home is Caitlin, Ashley, Lindsey, Latesa, Bethany. I don't know what that means for May...I mean, hell, I don't really know what it means for now. Because I can't have you all at the same time!! <3

I'm just being Miley

think I have...FINALLY...moved on. this may or may not just be due to my awful memory, how I don't remember what I did or what I felt, but I'll take it nonetheless.
I think I am at peace with summer 2008.

In other news, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was pretty good for a three-hour behemoth. It was really slow starting out, and lost me a time or two throughout, but overall it actually kept my attention pretty well. And was good. And was pretty much Titanic meets The Notebook meets Big Fish, so I mean, if that floats your boat. Well I suppose Titanic doesn't really float any boats...*cymbal.*

I submitted my application for Teach For America. Cool. I was supposed to chat with a representative from the organization tonight but he never called...err...s'all good. Hopefully I will have better luck with this than past Christmas Break application essays! (Christmas 2004 was scholarship apps to Wash U, Christmas 2005 was applying to be an RA at MSA. Obviously I didn't get either of those lol.)

Speaking of MSA...
I don't know.
Once upon a time that was a HUGE part of my life. Back in high school when I didn't have any friends, when I didn't know who I was.
But I have an awful memory...
The day of Alumni Day this year I was idly logged onto facebook chat while passing a lazy afternoon at the SS Badass, the day after a certain ATO party. Someone I had met at MSA imed me and was like, hey, we should go to this next year. And I was like I don't care, I don't remember MSA.
For one reason or another I kept thinking about MSA more and more as the summer progressed. Digging for my journal from the time, straining to remember anything about my classes and the people. Meanwhile I was kept being encouraged to do alumni stuff next year until I was finally like, okay, okay, we'll go lol.
Then because of whatever happened I somehow ended up kind of mad at MSA lol. Logical, I know. And then, come to find out, there's a huge 25th-anniversary bash this year...thank you, cosmic irony. At first I was like, whatever, I don't care, I'm not going, but now I think--if I am still in the area--I will...

blaggity bloggity blah

Hmm. So, I've used xanga for years, but that's really the domain of whiny little emo kids...I suppose it's time for something a little more grown-up. I have been journaling regularly since midsummer; perhaps I can also have the discipline to blog. eh, we'll see. Plus, when better to try than the new year? Gosh, I can't even TELL you how excited I am to finally be rid of 2008.

Resolutions, as articulated on said xanga several days ago, and for original material, 3-days-in reflections:

-to read more: I read two chapters of Harry Potter today!
-to get a decent amount of sleep: yeah I went to bed at 4.
-to be nicer: ha, yeah, not gonna happen.
-to wish on stars: I never SEE the stars.
-to dance in the rain: entirely too cold for now.
-to make kisses meaningful and memorable: whatever.
-to be beautiful: well, shyeah.
-to not do things I know will hurt me: so far so good.
-to not be afraid of trying new things: I tried the chocolate martini Bee made me the other night?
-to appreciate my amazing friends and not let stupid things come between us: yeah!
-to be happy: tra la
-to let bygones be bygones: yeah burned that bridge so it's pretty much, bye, gone!
-to carpe diem: eh, I can seize tomorrow, I'm sleepy.
-to forget the past but not the lessons: *glaring*
-to help people: I offered to take a fussy baby at a funeral today to the nursery so the mom could be at the service? lol.
-to make the world a better place: hahaha, not to be cliche or anything.
-to go: yeah I don't really know what I mean by this either.

In other news, it was 60-something degrees out today; as such, Bee and I went swinging. Obviously. In the summer and early fall (basically until it got cold) I went swinging sooooo often...it's just an easy first step for something to do when I am, or one of my girlfriends is, sad, you know? But today, for me, it was more about enjoying the weather than about pumping out my disappointment. Hooray for warmth! I get so dang grouchy when it's cold, I think I have finally accepted that I really need to move someplace WARM when I graduate.

Peace out, home slices. Thanks for tuning in.
meme