I'm beginning to sense a trend

So I haven't "dated" extensively, really. But I've...hmm. There are more guys in my past than I usually realize.

Now here's my trend:

All of them except for two have been gigantic jerks. Like, off-the-charts levels of douchebaggery. R, Mr. Honeywell, Josh-whatever, etc etc. And I mean, they seem nice at first; they just end up doing something mind-blowingly mean.

The two that were nice were the only two I was ever serious with. (So that's good at least. That I don't try to be serious with the assholes and wind up a battered woman or cheated on or what have you.)

But why, when I'm not necessarily looking for serious, do I just find the bad ones? And not "bad" as in "bad boy hot," "bad" as in "majorly sleazy." Couldn't I be not-serious with nice guys?

Maybe nice guys don't do not-serious. Maybe I'm actually being sleazy myself by doing not-serious??

Or maybe not-serious just brings out the worst in people. by which I mean, maybe if the nice guys had been fun-without-definitions they would've been jerks to me, too. (Actually, I know for a fact that's not true in the recent case. Because it almost started out like that, and he treated me like a princess nonetheless.)

say there's something better
but tonight you know you'll never find it

My douchemonster trend terrifies me. It makes me want to run right back to my Nice-Guy ex. I don't WANT to let people treat me like that, and that would be an easy way to make sure of it. But that's clearly faulty motivation and isn't fair to either party.

I guess I don't know how to be selective?? And yet I DO on some level. What with the only ever getting serious with nice guys.

I don't know. In conclusion...maybe I should swear off men for a while? lol/sigh...

No regrets, just love

I miss the feelings.

Endorphins. Oxytocin. You know.

I don't know that I miss him.

moderate what-to-do-with-my-life crisis

Deja vu. only less "getting into" and more "doubting that I made the right decision."

Sometimes I wish things were easier.

I think I'm stuck. I can't get teacher certification as long as I have my current job, and every option to get my BCaBA has fallen through, as well. (Plus, honestly, BCaBA will do me very little good--a higher-level certification [which requires a master's] is needed to work for, say, a school district.) What do I do? I'm perfectly comfortable, yes...but I am very limited. I could probably not get an equivalent job anywhere else.

So what do I do?

The smartest thing I could do, career-wise, would be to get my teacher certification...but to do that I have to leave my job at minimum, or maybe even move (i.e. Warrensburg has the severe-special ed program).

And, don't worry, Springfieldians, my response to that is whole-heartedly "fuck that."

I thought I was comfortable here because it was right. What if I'm just comfortable here [meaning "my job"] because it's the easy thing to do? Because I don't have to make any big decisions, any big changes, any big commitments?

I'm 23, I'm not supposed to have my whole life planned out. To have settled down already. But I like things the way they are. I like my job, my church, my home, my wife and kids (lolll)...

argh.

So many of them

Caitlin: wait, whose photos?
whose beard?
me: josh
Caitlin: wait
that clarified NOTHING

food for thought

I submitted this to ERB, but I'll toss it here in the meantime:

Which is less destructive, hooking up with an ex or a one-night-stand with a stranger?

Or to be more specific: Which is less destructive to do while on the rebound, hook up with the ex or have a one-night-stand?

(And, yes, the correct answer is keep it in your pants and don't sleep with anybody, but that wasn't an option, now, was it?)

Wisdom from Cosmo!

"You should not be asking yourself or your friends, 'How do I know if he's The One?' because it's kind of like an orgasm: If you're not sure that you had one, you didn't. If after giving it thought you're still not sure your guy is The One, he probably isn't."

i've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we've surfed and danced and all the faces we've missed so let's get back together and do it again
#beachboys

A sequence and a post script.

Saw a facebook ad about Mormons -->
Remembering the friendly politician fellow who turned out to be Mormon and not flirty -->
A: "how old is he?" M: "I dunno, less than 30" -->
A: *looks him up* "MARIE! HE LOOKS OLD!" -->
Oh yeah--I'm horrible at judging age.
fin

Also:

If I think someone does not look old, and he or she is not old, doesn't that make me a good judge of age? With me this far? Okay, what about when the rest of the world thinks the person does look old, even though he is she is not? That doesn't make ME any less ACCURATE, right??

It starts in my toes...

I'm being haunted the song "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. How else do you explain it?

Background: the song's a good two or three years old, and not anything I'd ever actually LISTENED to. My roommates spring of junior year, the music therapy girls, would play it on their guitars from time to time, and that was really my only exposure to it--their nervous chattering of "tee hee it's actually about an ORGASM," all that. I didn't really care. Not really my type of music--a little too mellow, a lot too lovey-dovey.

Story: A couple weeks ago my car cd player broke, so I've been listening to the radio on drives too short to bust out the iPod. Meanwhile, two weekends ago I ended things with my first serious boyfriend. Two or three days after that all occurred, "Bubbly" came on the radio just as I turned on my car to drive to work. I listened to it out of curiosity--as I said, all I knew was the "tee hee, orgasm" thing--and, WOW, it was depressing.

the rain is falling on my window pane
but we are hiding in a safer place
under covers staying dry and warm
you give me feelings that I adore

'cause, like, the first night we were together that weekend, before I knew that I had to end it, it was all stormy...and we didn't leave the bed his apartment...

About a week later (also known as a few days ago), the song came on AGAIN on my drive to work. Here's how it went: I listened to the intro, was reminded of "Bubbly," but thought, "noooo, as old as that song is, there's no way they're playing it at the exact same time two times in a week!", but, yeah, no, that was it. I switched stations and didn't give it another thought...

...Until today. I was listening to that same station (the main Top 40 station), and they were playing Taylor Swift, so I switched to my backup station. The backup station--how do I describe it? I always think it's alternative until I hear them playing Katy Perry or Christina Aguilera, but it's not exactly Top 40. Anyhow--THE BACKUP STATION WAS PLAYING "BUBBLY." I actually shouted, "are you fucking kidding me???" and switched back to Taylor Swift.

I mean, I honestly don't think I'd ever heard the song all the way through before (except for Carrie and Kristen's virginal renditions). And to hear it on the radio across stations 3 times in like 10 days? When I listen to the radio for 10 minutes a day, tops? And that this happened right after I'd ended actually being in a place where I could actually appreciate something that happy and sappy.

lol...