won't worry my life away

I didn't want that to be the top of my blog anymore.

What else do I have to say, though?

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself...

In the meantime, it's nearly spring break!

waste of texts

setting: at icon. he's there, i'm hardcore avoiding him. womanizer plays.

me: "Hey, it's the song about you!" 12.42a
him: "Wat...u dont even wanna talk to me" 12.51a
me: "No not really. As my girl britney says, you're nothin but a womanizer. And as my girl ashley says, you're an asshole. Have a good evening." 12.53a
him: "Im not but k" 12.54a
me: "Okay, nice guys lie about using a condom, sure." 12.54a
him: "It sliped off..." (that is a damned lie) 12.57a
*time passes*...and my friends chew him out. :)
him: "I cant believe u told ur frens that bs" 1.18a
me: "well, I can't believe you did it" 1.18a
him: "U kno im a great guy...watever" 1.19a
me: "Of all the possible ways you could have tried to get back on my good side, you really thought that one would work?" 1.21a
*icon closes. as for me and my posse, we relocate to t-bell*
him: "Wat r u doing" 1.28a
me: "Are you serious?" 1.29a
him: *calls me*
Rafe: *answers,* "one, two, three, shut the fuck up."
him: "Who was that dick" 1.33a
me: "My friend rafe. Took my phone." 1.50a
him: "Wat r u doing" 1.51a
me: "Why?" 1.52a
him: "I love u...i miss ur pretty face n smile" 1.54a
me: "What???" 1.57a
Lindsey, Ashley, Latesa, Chris, all to him: "Fuck you!" 1.58a
him: "Can i come over" 2.04a
me: "No. What do you not understand?" 2.05a

maybe you were all faster than me

so i can close that chapter. i am so relieved. i won't be ready for that kind of responsibility for a very long time. and yet, in pondering worst-case scenarios, the sense of direction it would have given my life was actually pretty appealing. i don't know what i'm living for; in that case, i would have. you know? not that i WANT to be in that situation. let me be clear, i DON'T, and i am soooo glad i'm not. but it just helped me think some stuff through.

like permanence.
in my life, when i graduate, there will be nothing permanent. but in a GOOD way. i don't have to decide the rest of my life when they hand me the diploma. this is something i knew abstractly, but after considering worst-case scenarios, you know, i think i'm more comfortable with it. i don't need to get my dream job right away; i need to get *a* job right away, make enough money to pay the rent, and maybe enjoy myself a little, i AM just a kid. why not go someplace completely new, use my savings to put a deposit on an apartment, and then find a job? i think i'd be rather more motivated in that kind of situation than from sitting at my computer at my parents' house. and, god, i'd be living, even if i was eating nothing but ramen and sleeping on the floor. my parents' house (which they wouldn't let me stay there for more than MAYBE the summer, anyway) may have a comfy bed and plenty of food, but it holds me down. i don't have the liberty to LIVE in liberty, to explore and force myself to be independent and to learn and to break free.

i mean, when i stop and consider when i have been most at peace with me, the moments in which i was nothing more or less than me, without acting according to others' expectations...london london london. far away from years of routine, far away from the structures i'm used to, far away from people who will do things for me when i don't want to, far away from everything i know (except for one of my best friends!!!).
and i was incredibly homesick and missed the people i loved. but i learned so much about myself.

i think that's what i need to do in may. well not london obviously. but somewhere not missouri...

i'm sure my mind is a lot clearer than it would have been had i gotten bad news but it might be TOO clear; i don't think i can write. four days...but i do have Tuesday Night Marie Time in the meantime...

maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
those funny little things we never mean
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go, and i will not be back here again...

who will buy this wonderful morning?

oh oh oh, look at my hair, what 'do can compare with my hair today?
i've got my hairspray and radio, i'm ready to go!
the rats on the street all dance around my feet
they seem to say, tracy, it's up to you

Isn't it amazing what something like the weather can do to one's mood?
I have energy. I haven't had energy, been my spazzy, crazy-eyed self, in so long. I'm happy, for no particular reason, but just to be alive.
Sure, there are bad things, there are worries, but so what? Focus on today, tomorrow will worry about itself.
There are good things like waking up to Stella's wtf face, like wonderful friends who love me even when I do really stupid things, like squeezing some girl time into our packed schedules, like TWO WEEKS until I see my best friend, like wearing a skirt on a beautiful day, like purple nail polish, like my relationship with my hair, like Cien anos de soledad and To the Lighthouse and how I actually GET them this time around and contribute great things to discussion, like free laundry tonight thanks to Bacchus, like having all my spring break appointments on the same day so I can hopefully sub four days, like chick flicks that reclaim the matriarchy rather than surrender it (eg, Waitress), like chocolate, like remembering Oliver and Godspell and other shows, like singing, like so, so much more that I can't even name right now.

I love you. I'm truly sorry for being such an asshole lately. Call me on it when I'm slipping that way again, okay?

lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have i

i know

i've been an awful friend lately. okay? i know. and it's really too late for me to do anything about how i behaved for the last month; it's in the past, you know? i'm sorry, if that's worth anything, which i doubt it is. i got carried away.

i've never had a lot of friends, i don't know much about the mechanics of friendship,

but i know that i, and my friends, have tendencies of repressing annoyances and more significant complaints, and that this works in the short term but just ends up with a lot of resentment that explodes out of NOWHERE all of a sudden.

i'd prefer honesty than to be tricked into suddenly becoming the villain in a carefree exchange of text-messaging or by giving the same advice you'd give me. even if it hurts at first, at least i would know WHY.

i don't want to hurt you, okay? that is my number one priority. i am in love with you girls, nothing means more to me than these friendships. but if i don't know what it is i'm doing that hurts you, i can't change, and the pent-up resentment hurts us both.

reasons have always been important to me. i love to know why things happen. i hate surprises.

please tell me why. (bsb or not, your choice).

and this goes out to -all- my girlfriends.

un premio de consolacion

Had a good day in English today. I've spent a lot of time and energy resenting that class for a variety of reasons but I loved it today, the discussion and the energy. It really helped my spirits, something that class has never done before, lol. I'm going through a lot of stress and suspense right now but I was able to find peace in literature, in thinking. I'm sure it won't last too long but I feel so much better than I did. I mean, no matter what happens...I know I'll be okay. I mean, I've never really had a plan for after college anyway, so how could one detail or another drastically alter my -nonexistent- plans?

I found myself wanting to talk about it today, not with my network of girlfriends who know the gory details already, but with...I used to have a guy friend, we weren't close at all, but every now and then we'd have a really personal conversation about what all was going on in our lives. And we had some really good insight for each other. And it was just good to have a guy's perspective.
But I don't have that anymore...

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
you always let me down

You know, I've had two different sets of plans to see Watchmen, plans that are no longer in the cards for various reasons. Maybe it's not meant to be. I'd meant to reread it before I saw the movie, anyway.

happy march!

ugh, i'm just sitting here ticking like crazy and thinking, thinking, thinking worrying.
try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you, oh, don't you know everything's all right, yes, everything's fine...
tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic
honors...
i really think it's a lost cause for tonight.
but i HAVE to.
my shoulders are cramping, i'm ticking so hard.
(for a comparison, i rarely notice myself ticking at ALL.)
lesson learned: stress exacerbates it. i guess that makes sense lol...