Saturday, February 28, 2009
untitled
not like she didn't know this was coming. she was aware all along that when it ended, it would end badly--how could it not, given how it started? she took a deep breath. nothing to do now but wait.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
but tonight i'm giving up
you are made of sugar, milk and molasses
so, little darlin', you attract all the bees
you are the gazer, you are the attraction
it takes a little vanity to know what it means
i know it 'cause you wrote it down a hundred times
but you say that you're doin' just fine
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, tonight you're giving up
i asked a question, give me an answer
you say the word and i will disappear
you're running fast, but you can run faster
heels to the dirt, gonna make it clear
i know it 'cause you wrote it down a hundred times
but you say that you're doin' just fine
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, you know you'll never find it
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
you wanted something better
but tonight, tonight you're giving darkness
you can't hear me
i will try to draw you near me
but in the morning you will wake up alone...
when your body breaks
even the hummingbirds will feel the earthquake
you'll sing a song of your heart's complaints
sing it loud
sing it clear
oh, sing so I can hear you
then sing it soft in my ear
take it up or take out,
put me down in the grass,
i would go anywhere with you
say there's something better
you don't see it, you won't find it
say there's something better
you're behind it but you won't get it
La da da, la da da
La da da, la da da
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, you know you'll never find it
La da da, la da da
La da da, la da da
say there's something better
you don't see it, you won't find it
Say there's something better
you're behind it but you won't get it
"molasses," the hush sound
so, little darlin', you attract all the bees
you are the gazer, you are the attraction
it takes a little vanity to know what it means
i know it 'cause you wrote it down a hundred times
but you say that you're doin' just fine
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, tonight you're giving up
i asked a question, give me an answer
you say the word and i will disappear
you're running fast, but you can run faster
heels to the dirt, gonna make it clear
i know it 'cause you wrote it down a hundred times
but you say that you're doin' just fine
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, you know you'll never find it
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
you wanted something better
but tonight, tonight you're giving darkness
you can't hear me
i will try to draw you near me
but in the morning you will wake up alone...
when your body breaks
even the hummingbirds will feel the earthquake
you'll sing a song of your heart's complaints
sing it loud
sing it clear
oh, sing so I can hear you
then sing it soft in my ear
take it up or take out,
put me down in the grass,
i would go anywhere with you
say there's something better
you don't see it, you won't find it
say there's something better
you're behind it but you won't get it
La da da, la da da
La da da, la da da
say there's something better
but today, there is a cold moon rising
and you wanted something better
but tonight, you know you'll never find it
La da da, la da da
La da da, la da da
say there's something better
you don't see it, you won't find it
Say there's something better
you're behind it but you won't get it
"molasses," the hush sound
Thursday, February 19, 2009
read my life like a book
come to me baby, please fulfill my wish
show it to me truly, show me with a kiss
Oh my god, so, I have figured out why I have taken to Aqua so much lately. I mean, within the last week or so, I just listen to Aqua a LOT. It's weird. I mean, songs that had zero play counts on my itunes. Not "Barbie Girl," thank you, that song is a little TMTH even for me, but, idk, "Roses are Red," "Calling You," "My Oh My." ("Dr. Jones" is an exception of sorts--I have been listening to it lately but it has always been on my guilty pleasure playlists, so it is not a rediscovery.) And I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, yeah, lately I REALLY like songs with a good beat, something danceable, but there is BETTER music of the sort available than Aqua. I mean, for god's sake, the lyrics are AWFUL. But I think I've finally put my finger on it.
I listened to Aqua in fifth grade. It brings back distinct memories of hanging out at Latchkey (the public school-facilitated childcare) with that bitch Shara and with Noah, whom I adored. I was ten years old and innocent as could be. All the more I knew about boys was that Noah was really cute and, oh my god, on Halloween we sat in an overstuffed chair together (pre-cuddling?) while we watched Hocus Pocus. I also probably had a huge crush on Jason at that time, and maybe (maybe?) Joe. But nonetheless, boys and all that they involve were completely abstract to me. There were a couple of "couples" in my fifth grade class (Drew G and Laurel P, Mike W and Hannah S), I don't know what they did as couples, went roller skating or to Worlds of Fun or that kind of thing, but, eh. I was boy-crazy in the standard tweenie sense of OH MY GOD ZAC HANSON, but I had no idea about the reality of relationships. Crushes on boys I did know were really no different than celebrity crushes; I kind of adored from afar, would have never dreamed of acting upon anything.
The thing is, though, that I never outgrew this.
I never had a boyfriend, I only barely dated (ergh). I don't know why. I just never developed the mental framework, the mindset, necessary to not only be in a relationship, but to even consider one. Throughout my lonely years of high school I pined for a boyfriend but I would not have known how to actually be a girlfriend. I mean, the one guy I had a huge crush on for years and years, if he had actually asked me out or something...? I mean, I can't even, never could, imagine it happening. Visualize it. I just didn't have the framework for it.
So, fast forward, a ways into college, I finally have some really, really good girlfriends and I'm not lonely anymore. I start thinking about how strange it is that I am such a nun. Obviously there's something wrong with me: I'm not pretty enough, I'm too weird. I no longer lack companionship and love but weird things are going on with my self-esteem nonetheless.
Meanwhile,
-I study abroad and explore my independence, relishing the adventures with Lindsey and the adventures I undertake alone.
-I witness my girlfriends who seemed so happy in their relationships betrayed and damaged by assholes and I have no idea how to help them.
-I start drinking, finally shedding the black-and-white moral code I clung to as a child.
-I think. I realize that the Bible does not contain a usable baseline morality for my own life. I don't pray, but I think.
-I familiarize myself with feminism and am able to recognize double standards, and am extremely pissed off by them.
In the past year I have finally learned some things about the realities of men and women and the interactions between them. I have lost my Disney fairy-tale expectations of being swept off my feet and eternally adored. I still have no idea of how to be in a successful relationship, but I...understand...a lot that used to be a mystery.
I am no longer innocent. But this is absolutely brand-new to me and I still do not how to put all the pieces together; meme the children's choir teacher, meme the intellectual, meme the friend, meme the lush, meme the slut.
In fifth grade I was perfectly innocent but dazzled by boys. I listened to music like Aqua, which is catchy as hell but fairly dirty (without being explicit). It was a paradox but my soundtrack nonetheless. Now, twice as far down my road in life, I find myself in a rather more complicated but similar paradox. I go to church twice a week, I'm a role model to children, I would probably most often be categorized as a "good person"...but my morals...are gone.
If I was a character in a book, I would say that I was using the music to make my dilemma seem more simple, to hearken back to my innocence while still acknowledging that something is going on. To try to reclaim the vague, abstract perception of boys and sex. Am I allowed to perform literary analysis on myself?
Or is it simply that the music is catchy as hell?
i don't wanna waste my time on simple little things
i'd rather stay here overnight with happy boys who sing
come on let's go get it on, everybody let's go have some fun
show it to me truly, show me with a kiss
Oh my god, so, I have figured out why I have taken to Aqua so much lately. I mean, within the last week or so, I just listen to Aqua a LOT. It's weird. I mean, songs that had zero play counts on my itunes. Not "Barbie Girl," thank you, that song is a little TMTH even for me, but, idk, "Roses are Red," "Calling You," "My Oh My." ("Dr. Jones" is an exception of sorts--I have been listening to it lately but it has always been on my guilty pleasure playlists, so it is not a rediscovery.) And I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, yeah, lately I REALLY like songs with a good beat, something danceable, but there is BETTER music of the sort available than Aqua. I mean, for god's sake, the lyrics are AWFUL. But I think I've finally put my finger on it.
I listened to Aqua in fifth grade. It brings back distinct memories of hanging out at Latchkey (the public school-facilitated childcare) with that bitch Shara and with Noah, whom I adored. I was ten years old and innocent as could be. All the more I knew about boys was that Noah was really cute and, oh my god, on Halloween we sat in an overstuffed chair together (pre-cuddling?) while we watched Hocus Pocus. I also probably had a huge crush on Jason at that time, and maybe (maybe?) Joe. But nonetheless, boys and all that they involve were completely abstract to me. There were a couple of "couples" in my fifth grade class (Drew G and Laurel P, Mike W and Hannah S), I don't know what they did as couples, went roller skating or to Worlds of Fun or that kind of thing, but, eh. I was boy-crazy in the standard tweenie sense of OH MY GOD ZAC HANSON, but I had no idea about the reality of relationships. Crushes on boys I did know were really no different than celebrity crushes; I kind of adored from afar, would have never dreamed of acting upon anything.
The thing is, though, that I never outgrew this.
I never had a boyfriend, I only barely dated (ergh). I don't know why. I just never developed the mental framework, the mindset, necessary to not only be in a relationship, but to even consider one. Throughout my lonely years of high school I pined for a boyfriend but I would not have known how to actually be a girlfriend. I mean, the one guy I had a huge crush on for years and years, if he had actually asked me out or something...? I mean, I can't even, never could, imagine it happening. Visualize it. I just didn't have the framework for it.
So, fast forward, a ways into college, I finally have some really, really good girlfriends and I'm not lonely anymore. I start thinking about how strange it is that I am such a nun. Obviously there's something wrong with me: I'm not pretty enough, I'm too weird. I no longer lack companionship and love but weird things are going on with my self-esteem nonetheless.
Meanwhile,
-I study abroad and explore my independence, relishing the adventures with Lindsey and the adventures I undertake alone.
-I witness my girlfriends who seemed so happy in their relationships betrayed and damaged by assholes and I have no idea how to help them.
-I start drinking, finally shedding the black-and-white moral code I clung to as a child.
-I think. I realize that the Bible does not contain a usable baseline morality for my own life. I don't pray, but I think.
-I familiarize myself with feminism and am able to recognize double standards, and am extremely pissed off by them.
In the past year I have finally learned some things about the realities of men and women and the interactions between them. I have lost my Disney fairy-tale expectations of being swept off my feet and eternally adored. I still have no idea of how to be in a successful relationship, but I...understand...a lot that used to be a mystery.
I am no longer innocent. But this is absolutely brand-new to me and I still do not how to put all the pieces together; meme the children's choir teacher, meme the intellectual, meme the friend, meme the lush, meme the slut.
In fifth grade I was perfectly innocent but dazzled by boys. I listened to music like Aqua, which is catchy as hell but fairly dirty (without being explicit). It was a paradox but my soundtrack nonetheless. Now, twice as far down my road in life, I find myself in a rather more complicated but similar paradox. I go to church twice a week, I'm a role model to children, I would probably most often be categorized as a "good person"...but my morals...are gone.
If I was a character in a book, I would say that I was using the music to make my dilemma seem more simple, to hearken back to my innocence while still acknowledging that something is going on. To try to reclaim the vague, abstract perception of boys and sex. Am I allowed to perform literary analysis on myself?
Or is it simply that the music is catchy as hell?
i don't wanna waste my time on simple little things
i'd rather stay here overnight with happy boys who sing
come on let's go get it on, everybody let's go have some fun
getting to know your meme
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
left knee--fell in the shower, put my knee through the wall
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
posters of scrawny cute guys, maps (yeah yeah yeah), photos
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
i do not know
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
i guess pop would be the best category title...right now lots of chick music...
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?
my ass jeans, a cute shirt, and my green sweater. i could (and kind of do) wear this every day.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to not have to do my honors project
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
black and white, right and wrong...simple categories
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
i don't know
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
five eleven
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
once in a while
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
sometimes
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
a professor, actually, haha
13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
not finding a job/failing at life
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
dark
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
up your butt.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
meat?
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
uuugh, no thanks, i got breakfast at the CX and now i feel nasty
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
pink!!!
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
noooo
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
your dick in a box
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
you could call it that
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
no
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
old navy <3
25. WHO IS YOUR FAVE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
zac efron i guess
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
stellaaaaa!
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
a lovely one
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i would try not to
29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
molasses by the hush sound
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
eighty-two
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"regrets are mistakes you haven't learned from"
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
the south bank, oh god, i miss it
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
indecision
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
yeah
37. FIRST JOB?
worlds of fun :P
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
yes
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
facebooking. err i mean, working, hehehe (i am at work, but campus is currently under a lockdown drill, so we can't do anything)
41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
oral surgery
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
hair
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
yeah
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A JOB
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
toooo soon to worry about that
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
not really
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
bad hygeine
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
all the activities i was involved in
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
haven't used shampoo in coming up on four years
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
i adore my handwriting
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
turkey
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
yup
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
probably
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
hard to say
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
that is horrible wording, what does "agree with" mean??
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
some
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
bitch
59. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
i don't know...
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
happy apple
62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
yes
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
yes
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
i'm kind of picky when it comes to both
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
height! hehe
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
meme
67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
flying
68. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
hannah montana
69. WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
ignore them
70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookies n cream
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
*counting*...yes
72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
yes
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
read...in theory...
74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
a big city
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
YES. NOW.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
sassy fabulous playlist
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
agua
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
david
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
height
80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
i am way too busy for spare time
82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
spring
83. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
idk, chocolate
84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
mmhmm!!
85. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?
brown
86. EYE COLOR?
brownish
87. SHOE SIZE?
big
88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
taco bell. nom
89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
idk
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
never tried it
91. WATCH TV TODAY?
no
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
birthday? idk
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
democrat
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
both
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
hmm
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
food
98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
yeah
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
the world is flat, dona barbara
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
weird
left knee--fell in the shower, put my knee through the wall
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
posters of scrawny cute guys, maps (yeah yeah yeah), photos
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
i do not know
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
i guess pop would be the best category title...right now lots of chick music...
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?
my ass jeans, a cute shirt, and my green sweater. i could (and kind of do) wear this every day.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to not have to do my honors project
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
black and white, right and wrong...simple categories
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
i don't know
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
five eleven
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
once in a while
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
sometimes
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
a professor, actually, haha
13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
not finding a job/failing at life
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
dark
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
up your butt.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
meat?
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
uuugh, no thanks, i got breakfast at the CX and now i feel nasty
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
pink!!!
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
noooo
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
your dick in a box
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
you could call it that
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
no
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
old navy <3
25. WHO IS YOUR FAVE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
zac efron i guess
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
stellaaaaa!
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
a lovely one
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i would try not to
29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
molasses by the hush sound
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
eighty-two
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"regrets are mistakes you haven't learned from"
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
the south bank, oh god, i miss it
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
indecision
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
yeah
37. FIRST JOB?
worlds of fun :P
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
yes
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
facebooking. err i mean, working, hehehe (i am at work, but campus is currently under a lockdown drill, so we can't do anything)
41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
oral surgery
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
hair
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
yeah
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A JOB
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
toooo soon to worry about that
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
not really
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
bad hygeine
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
all the activities i was involved in
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
haven't used shampoo in coming up on four years
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
i adore my handwriting
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
turkey
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
yup
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
probably
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
hard to say
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
that is horrible wording, what does "agree with" mean??
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
some
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
bitch
59. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
i don't know...
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
happy apple
62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
yes
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
yes
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
i'm kind of picky when it comes to both
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
height! hehe
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
meme
67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
flying
68. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
hannah montana
69. WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
ignore them
70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookies n cream
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
*counting*...yes
72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
yes
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
read...in theory...
74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
a big city
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
YES. NOW.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
sassy fabulous playlist
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
agua
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
david
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE GENDER?
height
80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
i am way too busy for spare time
82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
spring
83. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
idk, chocolate
84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
mmhmm!!
85. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?
brown
86. EYE COLOR?
brownish
87. SHOE SIZE?
big
88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
taco bell. nom
89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
idk
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
never tried it
91. WATCH TV TODAY?
no
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
birthday? idk
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
democrat
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
both
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
hmm
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
food
98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
yeah
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
the world is flat, dona barbara
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
weird
Friday, February 13, 2009
friday the 13th!
it's a BEAUTIFUL day, I'm feeling extremely relieved, my hair smells really good, I'm only partially dressed, and I'm about to curl up with Stella. <3
Friday, February 6, 2009
if you seek amy tonight...
so, on the one hand, it's liberating to be making bad decisions just because it feels good...
but then I think of Nietzsche's ideas of slave morality and that essay I read last semester relating this to "hookup culture." The master's morality is two choices, right and wrong; whether the slave chooses to obey the master and do the "right," or rebel against the master and do the "wrong," the moral decision is still made within the framework of the master's morality and is therefore still under the master's control. The slave is not thinking for him- or herself in this framework even through rebellion.
So, then, society sends a lot of mixed messages regarding female sexuality, but it doesn't take much for a girl to be a "slut." More or less (and I'm thinking in, like, the environment in which I grew up, not the aforementioned hookup culture lol), the ideal femininity is pure and reserved and monogamous and does not lust and, idk, all that. And I was okay with this sexual identity for a while. But it's rather a lot of pressure--and NO fun. And so what? Well, first breaking out of that mold was pretty traumatizing, akshuly, but I have since gotten used to it.
But why, why, why do I do this? Is it pure hedonism? I've realized very recently that there is a degree of rebelling-against-good-girl-expectations in my decision-making. Which scares me. Because that's not my own decision. Choosing one of the two options in a broken system is still very much supporting and upholding the broken system.
with a taste of your lips i'm on a ride...
i'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?
So, in conclusion, bad decisions just because it feels good is NOT liberating at all. The only good thing about it is, well, that it feels good. Which has some value. I mean...I plan to keep making such decisions, for the meantime at least.
P.S. Once again Randall Munroe takes it upon himself to answer the tough questions definitively. Amazing!
but then I think of Nietzsche's ideas of slave morality and that essay I read last semester relating this to "hookup culture." The master's morality is two choices, right and wrong; whether the slave chooses to obey the master and do the "right," or rebel against the master and do the "wrong," the moral decision is still made within the framework of the master's morality and is therefore still under the master's control. The slave is not thinking for him- or herself in this framework even through rebellion.
So, then, society sends a lot of mixed messages regarding female sexuality, but it doesn't take much for a girl to be a "slut." More or less (and I'm thinking in, like, the environment in which I grew up, not the aforementioned hookup culture lol), the ideal femininity is pure and reserved and monogamous and does not lust and, idk, all that. And I was okay with this sexual identity for a while. But it's rather a lot of pressure--and NO fun. And so what? Well, first breaking out of that mold was pretty traumatizing, akshuly, but I have since gotten used to it.
But why, why, why do I do this? Is it pure hedonism? I've realized very recently that there is a degree of rebelling-against-good-girl-expectations in my decision-making. Which scares me. Because that's not my own decision. Choosing one of the two options in a broken system is still very much supporting and upholding the broken system.
with a taste of your lips i'm on a ride...
i'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?
So, in conclusion, bad decisions just because it feels good is NOT liberating at all. The only good thing about it is, well, that it feels good. Which has some value. I mean...I plan to keep making such decisions, for the meantime at least.
P.S. Once again Randall Munroe takes it upon himself to answer the tough questions definitively. Amazing!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
but i can't do it, you womanizer
I don't know where I draw the line anymore...
you say there's something better, but tonight you know you'll never find it
you wanted something better, but tonight, tonight you're giving up
I think I'm living pretty hedonistically. Which seems so odd for me. I used to always act so logically. Not to mention prudishly...
hmm
you say there's something better, but tonight you know you'll never find it
you wanted something better, but tonight, tonight you're giving up
I think I'm living pretty hedonistically. Which seems so odd for me. I used to always act so logically. Not to mention prudishly...
hmm
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