I never thought my willpower would last this whole time. I figured I'd cave at some point and eff everything up all over again--but feel so good (SO good) for those fleeting moments!
I mean, it's good that that didn't happen, because then I'd never EVER get over it...
I feel like I need a reward of some sort, lol. Because I honestly just always kinda figured that it would happen again sometime. And despite me even almost-trying over Thanksgiving, I've been quite well-behaved. Not self-destructive on any real level, beyond wallowing in drama from time to time, lol. And the natural consequences of being responsible are SO BORING lol.
I wish the wrong decision could've been right. It just would've made things so much EASIER.
But, I mean, I guess there's something better "out there." small consolation.
you gave me roses, and i left them there to die
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
In a nutshell
Augusten Burroughs regarding his brother (who wrote the passage I quote in my previous post):
"Asperger's Syndrome is on the Autism spectrum, so what that means is that he likes machines, he's real smart, and he's sorta rude."
"Asperger's Syndrome is on the Autism spectrum, so what that means is that he likes machines, he's real smart, and he's sorta rude."
Conversationally Handicapped
From Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's by John Elder Robison:
My conversational difficulties highlight a problem Aspergians face every day. A person with an obvious disability - for example, someone in a wheelchair - is treated compassionately because his handicap is obvious. No one turns to a guy in a wheelchair and says, "Quick! Let's run across the street!" And when he can't run across the street, no one says, "What's his problem?" They offer to help him across the street.
With me, though, there is no external sign that I am conversationally handicapped. So folks hear some conversational misstep and say, "What an arrogant jerk!" I look forward to the day when my handicap will afford me the same respect accorded to a guy in a wheelchair. And if the respect comes with a preferred parking space, I wouldn't turn it down.
My conversational difficulties highlight a problem Aspergians face every day. A person with an obvious disability - for example, someone in a wheelchair - is treated compassionately because his handicap is obvious. No one turns to a guy in a wheelchair and says, "Quick! Let's run across the street!" And when he can't run across the street, no one says, "What's his problem?" They offer to help him across the street.
With me, though, there is no external sign that I am conversationally handicapped. So folks hear some conversational misstep and say, "What an arrogant jerk!" I look forward to the day when my handicap will afford me the same respect accorded to a guy in a wheelchair. And if the respect comes with a preferred parking space, I wouldn't turn it down.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The label I forget
I rarely write about TS, or talk about it. I don't even think about it much, really. Usually as soon as I notice I'm ticking I stop, and that's that.
While in the bathroom tonight getting ready for bed, I noticed that I was flapping pretty hard. Then, sitting on my bed after putting in my retainers, I realized my wrist was starting to get tired, I was flapping so hard. Do you know how much I tic, and how fast? (In case you didn't catch my tone there, the answers are A LOT and VERY.) I don't recall EVER getting sore from it before.
I wish I knew why I was ticking so hard. Then some mental post-it note appears, left over from the days of agonizing over calc homework, reminding me that stress makes it worse. I'm stressed? I don't think I'm stressed about anything. I pause and my mind lands on a sentence: it's when I feel that my surroundings are out of my control.
And that's it exactly. If my life strays a little from the routine, flapping...it comforts me greatly. Which is strange to say. That's one thing about TS I never really experience--ticking as relief of an urge--as a way to feel good. Because I'm not usually aware that I am ticking.
When I tic I surrender control of my body and my mind. It is pure chaos.
And it's dangerous:
I don't mind if someone sees me bounce or wave, but when I give myself over to it? Fingers a blur, wrists rotating bizarrely, arms held out rigidly ahead of me. Mouth wide open, tongue pressed against my teeth, eyes glazed over.
I don't want anyone to EVER see me like that.
I fall into a state where I'm not in control of my body and I am aware of nothing, completely in a trance. Yet in that double loss I am free. Free from being a control freak. Free from needing every question answered. Free from needing every detail planned. Free from bullshit stresses like homework. Free from the bigger stresses that don't go away, about my future or whatever.
Usually once I notice I'm ticking I stop; it's almost never lucid. Once my mind is back my body feels awkward and follows suit.
But tonight as my wrists started to cramp, I put my finger on a Truth about myself I had no idea I was missing. I'm finally seeing that Tourette's can mean something to me.
Edit: umm. More recent use of that mental post-it note here. As well as another reference to being sore. BUT STILL. hahaha.
Edit 2: is this interesting? I'm very self-conscious talking about it. Is this over-sharing in a cool, memoir-y kinda way or in a, oh my god she's a freak way? Please don't tell me the latter just to mess with me; I am extremely sensitive about this and sincerely want to know if it makes me sound like a freak.
While in the bathroom tonight getting ready for bed, I noticed that I was flapping pretty hard. Then, sitting on my bed after putting in my retainers, I realized my wrist was starting to get tired, I was flapping so hard. Do you know how much I tic, and how fast? (In case you didn't catch my tone there, the answers are A LOT and VERY.) I don't recall EVER getting sore from it before.
I wish I knew why I was ticking so hard. Then some mental post-it note appears, left over from the days of agonizing over calc homework, reminding me that stress makes it worse. I'm stressed? I don't think I'm stressed about anything. I pause and my mind lands on a sentence: it's when I feel that my surroundings are out of my control.
And that's it exactly. If my life strays a little from the routine, flapping...it comforts me greatly. Which is strange to say. That's one thing about TS I never really experience--ticking as relief of an urge--as a way to feel good. Because I'm not usually aware that I am ticking.
When I tic I surrender control of my body and my mind. It is pure chaos.
And it's dangerous:
I don't mind if someone sees me bounce or wave, but when I give myself over to it? Fingers a blur, wrists rotating bizarrely, arms held out rigidly ahead of me. Mouth wide open, tongue pressed against my teeth, eyes glazed over.
I don't want anyone to EVER see me like that.
I fall into a state where I'm not in control of my body and I am aware of nothing, completely in a trance. Yet in that double loss I am free. Free from being a control freak. Free from needing every question answered. Free from needing every detail planned. Free from bullshit stresses like homework. Free from the bigger stresses that don't go away, about my future or whatever.
Usually once I notice I'm ticking I stop; it's almost never lucid. Once my mind is back my body feels awkward and follows suit.
But tonight as my wrists started to cramp, I put my finger on a Truth about myself I had no idea I was missing. I'm finally seeing that Tourette's can mean something to me.
Edit: umm. More recent use of that mental post-it note here. As well as another reference to being sore. BUT STILL. hahaha.
Edit 2: is this interesting? I'm very self-conscious talking about it. Is this over-sharing in a cool, memoir-y kinda way or in a, oh my god she's a freak way? Please don't tell me the latter just to mess with me; I am extremely sensitive about this and sincerely want to know if it makes me sound like a freak.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
February
I do love Valentine's Day and all things pink, but everything else about February I absolutely loathe.
The weather is shit.
It's plenty cold.
It seems like winter will NEVER END.
But mostly, I guess, it's what happened two years ago...
two years ago.
I don't even remember the date.
I remember EVERY important date. Take last summer: May 31, June 26, July 2, July 20, August 21.
Or 2008: July 23, August 9, August 19.
But I'd have to look up the February date to remember it. I guess it wasn't important to me.
I mean, I know it wasn't important. Not like that. Not like it's supposed to be.
He didn't even believe me...
When it's all said and done, though, he didn't hurt me. He didn't break my heart. Men who had done much less to me had done much more damage.
You know, he was my only Valentine. How fucked up is that?
stop, please, just let me go
Alejandro, just let me go
The weather is shit.
It's plenty cold.
It seems like winter will NEVER END.
But mostly, I guess, it's what happened two years ago...
two years ago.
I don't even remember the date.
I remember EVERY important date. Take last summer: May 31, June 26, July 2, July 20, August 21.
Or 2008: July 23, August 9, August 19.
But I'd have to look up the February date to remember it. I guess it wasn't important to me.
I mean, I know it wasn't important. Not like that. Not like it's supposed to be.
He didn't even believe me...
When it's all said and done, though, he didn't hurt me. He didn't break my heart. Men who had done much less to me had done much more damage.
You know, he was my only Valentine. How fucked up is that?
stop, please, just let me go
Alejandro, just let me go
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I Got Your Crazy
you put on quite a show, really had me going
new playlist time!
this one is called:
I Got Your Crazy
or, The Other Woman Scorned
(or, Angry Girl Playlist 2.0)
and it goes out to Ben, Mr. Honeywell, and anyone else who's ever made "the other woman" out of an honest woman only to screw her over.
Why Did I Ever Like You - Pink
(I'd still have all my hate for you intact even if I lost everything)
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
(made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter)
Womanizer - Britney Spears
(you've got me going, you're oh so charming, but i can't do it)
Kiss N Tell - Ke$ha
(I can find someone way hotter, with a bigger......)
Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls
(don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?)
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
(and hell yeah I'm the motherfucking princess)
Love You Much Better - The Hush Sound
(one day soon I'm gonna grab you by the collar and kiss you all I want)
Again Again - Lady Gaga
(you've got a lot, a lot of nerve coming here)
Smile - Lily Allen
(see you messed up my mental health, I was quite unwell)
7 Things - Miley Cyrus
(you like me, you love her*)
Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
(I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.)
Take a Bow - Rihanna
(don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not)
*not the actual lyric, I realize, but it's how I learned it and how I hear it.
new playlist time!
this one is called:
I Got Your Crazy
or, The Other Woman Scorned
(or, Angry Girl Playlist 2.0)
and it goes out to Ben, Mr. Honeywell, and anyone else who's ever made "the other woman" out of an honest woman only to screw her over.
Why Did I Ever Like You - Pink
(I'd still have all my hate for you intact even if I lost everything)
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
(made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter)
Womanizer - Britney Spears
(you've got me going, you're oh so charming, but i can't do it)
Kiss N Tell - Ke$ha
(I can find someone way hotter, with a bigger......)
Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls
(don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?)
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
(and hell yeah I'm the motherfucking princess)
Love You Much Better - The Hush Sound
(one day soon I'm gonna grab you by the collar and kiss you all I want)
Again Again - Lady Gaga
(you've got a lot, a lot of nerve coming here)
Smile - Lily Allen
(see you messed up my mental health, I was quite unwell)
7 Things - Miley Cyrus
(you like me, you love her*)
Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
(I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.)
Take a Bow - Rihanna
(don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not)
*not the actual lyric, I realize, but it's how I learned it and how I hear it.
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