(doing my psych homework)

I never realized that a phobia was a disorder. I thought it was fairly normal.

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/specphob.htm

Yeeeeah...

geeze. Just one other psychiatric condition on my checklist. haha

love

I. love. my. job.

I can't imagine doing anything else with my life...

My position isn't exactly enough to live on long-term. But if we buy that other building and make it autism-only...we'd need more teachers, surely? I could be a teacher?

Because right now the prospect of secondary English provokes the following reaction in me: "meh." I mean, it would be fine. But I don't think it would be nearly as satisfying as what I do now. I don't think there's as much love in that line of work. And maybe that's selfish of me. But I love my kids with all my heart. It's not the same thing I have with Carly, but it's similar. I don't know if I have it in me do love the hundred-something teenagers I would have at a time.

Hmm. Maybe I should figure out if MSU has a certification/master's concurrent program for special ed.

Yes, I'd like some cheese with this whine

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
...you always let me down

Allergies kicking my ass. Broke my phone. My back (incl. back of my legs) is hot pink and my front is still kinda pale-ish. I've been two stuffed up the last two nights to wear my retainers; they won't fit me very well tonight. I have nasty bruises on my thighs. I miss my Liberty friends. It's somewhat soul-crushing to see the status updates of my two fb friends who are in Teach for America training. MSA alumni day is next week and at some point I'd promised I'd go and I almost wish someone would hold me to it. I have to start waking up at 6-something again this week. I've been having trouble falling asleep, and then having really vivid, not-restful dreams.

Whine, whine, whine.

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, good things:

Nice laid-back weekend with A (and L here and there), after a nice laid-back week with L (and A here and there)--and tomorrow a mini-road trip with all three of us! :)
I go back to my kiddos Monday!!!
Finally got my MSU stuff figured out and have worked ahead in my classes.
Finished watching True Blood, also known as "X-men plus sex" (is there anyone out there who's familiar with both series, who can appreciate this?)
Finished Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal
I love my room. Bookshelf, bed, curtain, lamp, posters. I just need a few photos for my east wall and then I think I'll be finished.
I talked to Alex today
I'm gonna have a sweet tan (on my back and the backs of my legs) in a couple days

and you, maybe you'll remember me
what i gave you is yours to keep

Memory

and he said, would it be all right if we just sat and talked for a little while, if in exchange for your time i give you this smile?

Things I never remember:
the majority of the spring 2008 semester
my June visit to Kirksville last year
volunteering at Love INC last summer
volunteering at Rainbow Network in...spring 07?
MSA
how I ditched my friends for the latter chunk of last summer
the aftermath of the party in April
how much better puppy love feels than cynical lust

and she said, that's okay, as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart, and leave me all alone in the summer

I don't usually talk about this

So, I have quirky conceptions of privacy, I think. For most of my life I was fine with discussing the TS thing...then I learned to be embarrassed about it, just a couple of years ago, probably. Meanwhile I'm fine with discussing my boy troubles with just about anyone, I only draw the line at, say, my parents.

I work with kids with autism. One feature of autism is self-stimulation: sensory stuff. One example of "stimming," as we call it, would be a kid flapping his hands in front of his eyes. A couple of my kids stim like this. It's interesting to me because it greatly resembles my main tic.

One thing that's always been unique about my TS is that I don't realize when I'm ticking. It's more like I just space out. Once something--a noise, usually--brings me back to reality, I snap out of it, instantly ceasing to perform the tics. I never experienced an urge to tic; I never fought the tics.

"Ryan, quiet hands!"

Just a few weeks of being hyperaware of stimming with my kids at work has changed my own experience. I now am aware of when I am ticking. This was kind of cool at first. I had never been mentally "there" while ticking, I didn't know what it felt like; now, instead of stopping the behavior once I realize I'm doing it, it's more of a, "huh, I'm ticking." And I keep doing it until I am interrupted.

This has transformed from cool to scary. I don't have control of my own body when I get like this. Just now I was watching tv by myself, and during a commercial break my hands were flapping, my tongue was pressed against my teeth, my eyes were glazed; I was aware that I looked like an idiot. I wanted to stop. I couldn't. I mean, I could physically stop the actions, and I tried, but I experienced a knot of anxiety in my chest and I had to resume the tics to relieve it.

God, TS has always just been an accessory on my life, a neat little bit of trivia. Something else for me to boast about. "Yeah, I have what can manifest into a crippling learning disability, yet I have academic honors XYZ." It was never a disorder. Every now and then someone would catch me ticking and I would get a little flustered but that was all there was to it.

I never experienced it mentally. The stress of being trapped in a tic, with relief on a timeline outside of my control. (Well, that's kind of a lie, I've always had a couple of small verbal tics that were like that, but they do not occur with anywhere near the same frequency as my motor tics.)

It's horrible...

Summertime

I'm about at the end of my summer vacation. My school is year-round, and we're currently on a two-week break, and I'm starting classes at MSU next week, so, yeah, the last week of takin' it easy was all I'll get. I spent some quality time in L-town with C and B and my family, I've been trying to finish decorating my bedroom, and I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (except in Spanish this time). I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out MSU stuff, which proved a lot more complicated than I had anticipated.

I will be doing, drumroll, the Master's of Arts in Teaching program, with certification in Secondary English. Not exactly what I had anticipated but it will be a lot easier and less time-consuming than earning elementary certification; plus I get a Master's out of it, y'know? And I will be certified in English for grades 5-9 and 9-12; at that point, I was told, I can take the elementary Praxis test and can probably get hired for fourth or fifth grade (which is what I ultimately want, for now).

The program will take me three years. For this first year, I've got my day job (which, by the way, I LOVE) and will do online and night classes (starting with two online next week). Then I'll start the MAT program hardcore, with an intensive summer educational workshop next year (which will mark the end of my time with my kiddos :[ ); after that I can start teaching in my own secondary language arts classroom. After one year of teaching (and the accompanying MSU-work) I will be certified; after a second year I will have my Master's. May 2012.

Cool.

Never saw myself staying in the 'field for three more years but there ya go. I'm SO excited about the prospect of earning my Master's, and finally getting into a classroom. :) I can be a real teacher in a year.

In other news, I love the New Yorker.

I think that's all for now.