Life Decisions

A. I typically end up where I'm supposed to be. You could call it intuition--I tend to not give myself quite that much credit. To use the language I grew up with, the framework I don't know how to discard, I always end up where God wants me. Example: in the back of my mind, I always knew I was meant to be a teacher, and here I am.

B. I am also very stubborn. Once I decide something, I can't rest until I follow through.* Example: I was determined that I didn't want to be a teacher. I didn't study education. I turned down a pretty significant scholarship offer in high school because it was for education majors. But what happened as college graduation approached? That final semester, too late to change my major, I finally admitted that my passion lay in teaching.

A. But I landed my wonderful, perfect-for-me job, through a barely-friend-of-a-friend. And I stayed in Springfield; THAT one I hadn't seen coming. And stuff about getting my teacher certification post-grad fell through, so I stayed and got promoted at my job. And I know that that was exactly what I needed to do at that time. Where I was supposed to be.

It's an A-B-A sequence. I know some Truth about myself in the back of my head, maybe even below a conscious level. I deny it because it's not what I want at the moment, and I pursue whatever it is I do want. But then it just doesn't work out and I end up at square 1, only this time I realize that that's what I really needed.

The problem is that both A and B are very strong; I often can't tell the difference between them until B goes south. My intuition (A) might be screaming at me to change my ways, but my stubbornness (B) yells back, embracing whatever it is that I'm trying to do.

This is where I lose agency. What I'm told to do is "leave it in God's hands." Wait for Him to "close a door" to direct me to the right path. And honestly, there are decisions where that's the only thing to do. Wait it out and eventually Decision B will show itself to be unhealthy.

All that to say: I don't know what to do...

*I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just a little quirk, or if it's a really complicated tic. It feels exactly like a tic. I have the urge, urge, urge, and I can't get it out of my head until I release it through taking action. Or I just go ahead and do the action before I have a chance to think about it and to be aware of the urge.

How crazy do I sound now? lol.

Currently playing

i feel so untouched
and i want you so much
that i just can't resist you
it's not enough to say that i miss you
i feel so untouched right now
need you so much somehow
i can't forget you
been going crazy from the moment i met you

"Untouched," The Veronicas

I know it's not fair for me to feel like this. To feel like a victim. Ending it was my decision, and I know it was the right one.
The fact that I had to end it, though, seems very unfair, even this far out--apart longer than we were together.
I've heard (arbitrarily I am sure) that it takes twice as long as you were together to get over somebody. Will I last another three months? I don't trust myself too fully...

moment of weakness

3 months later, and what do I do?
I make a playlist.
I mean--
there are worse things I could do. (although THAT song's not on the playlist.)

it is, if nothing else, entertainingly genre-boggling! (which is why I'm sharing it!)
I now present:

November Nostalgia

1. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece--I'm complete

2. Kansas City - Sneaky Sound System
somebody in Kansas City loves me

3. Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris
if you fall for me, I'm not easy to please

4. Honey - The Hush Sound
you are my loooooooove, you are my love [very precise spelling]

5. No One Else on Earth - Wynonna Judd
how did you get to me? . . . no one could love me like you

6. Hurricane - The Hush Sound
you're the finest thing that I've done, the hurricane I'll never outrun

7. When the Day Met the Night - Panic at the Disco
he was just hanging around and he fell in love, in the middle of summer

8. Little Miss Obsessive - Ashlee Simpson
then I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it

9. ...Baby One More Time - Britney Spears
my loneliness is killing me, I must confess I still believe

10. Get Back - Demi Lovato
I wanna get back to the old days when the phone would ring and I knew it was you

11. Gotta Go My Own Way - High School Musical 2
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand

12. Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you

13. Do it Again - The Beach Boys
I've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we surfed and danced and all the faces we miss so let's get back together and do it again


Don't worry, Friends-who-care-about-me. My heart wants to. My body certainly wants to. My head even presents a pretty good case. But whatever part of me is above all of that knows it can't happen and won't let it happen.

Perspective

While dancing with a creepy older man who kept trying to rub up on me: gaaah, I can't do this, I'm still 100% in love with my ex, I'm sad, blah blah blah

While dancing with VERY PRETTY BOY: you know, I think I could move on.

lolll