Year in Review

Tonight was my Honors presentation. I've been researching and worrying about this topic for the last year; tonight it is over forever. I'm closing the book.

Time to close the book on something else I've been worrying about for a year.

Well, write it, and then close it.
(NB: I am not feeling nearly angsty enough at the moment to do justice to this post...as it is, it's just the prewriting I did a week or so ago. It's really not that interesting--I like my facebook note better.)


Believe it or not, one year ago today was my first kiss. I don't like to give that person a lot of credit, but it really was a huge turning point in my life. My naivete, my romantic notions of how things ought to be between a woman and a man, were shattered forever. This was extremely traumatizing; it took me months to recover, to learn from and be able to use this newfound worldliness and wisdom.

I went into a severe depression.

In my bewildered state of mind, I found myself drunk off my ass at a frat party. I was being outgoing and flirty, something completely new to me--I wasn't quite confident in my appearance yet, although the prior encounter had made me suspect that maybe I could be hott.

Less traumatized but still entirely weirded out--and feeling extremely guilty--I tried to pull my life back together. I found something to do with my time; I quit drinking (lasted six weeks!!); I found unlikely confidants to provide me with perspective.

I was shocked to find myself falling for one such confidant. I'd never really had feelings for someone before, beyond vague crushes here and there. We spent a perfect weekend together and I found myself in my first-ever relationship. I was equally thrilled and terrified. And rightly so; it ended as abruptly as it began. I was crushed; the ecstasy that had replaced my summer funk led to a crash right back into depression.

At this point I was getting bitter.

On Halloween I first found myself at a nightclub. Alcohol, loud music, throbbing basslines. Costumes, masks. I danced with several guys and was horrified when one kissed me. After spending a lot of time stressing about it and trying to determine what it "meant" to me, the next week us girls went out again and I found myself in the arms of some other guy on the dance floor. I didn't care at all this time.

The time at the end of January...

I exchanged phone numbers with this one, a first for me. We hung out--Guitar Hero, movies--but he wasn't really my type. One night I was at a party on campus and was texting him, and he showed up at my apartment, much to my bewilderment. I was drunk and things got out of hand. However, having crossed the line, I didn't see the harm in continuing to do so and we dated for another three or four weeks--until I realized he had been lying to me about something extremely important. I walked out. I was never sad about him...I'd never gotten emotionally involved.

And, meanwhile, keep in mind that these are only my own experiences--my girlfriends were being treated like shit by guys all along, as well. I have very little trust in men at all at this point, seeing extremely rare examples of men who are considerate, nice, honest.

Earlier this month I was at another Drury party and was also flirty and outgoing there, which led to another instance of extreme circumstances.

All this within a year of my absolute first kiss--what a year it has been. I didn't know there was so much to learn about myself that I had been completely blind to. Like that I don't care about physical things. Like that, even as female judgment cuts like a knife, I find myself doing it, too. Like how the love of my friends is so much more important to me than romance right now--yet I can't deny physical desire.

I don't let the dramz cripple me anymore. For better or for worse. I don't get emotionally involved. It really makes it all so much more pleasant...(and, yes, I recognize that this is not necessarily healthy).


A year.

Will the next year bring about such dramatic growth for me?

Will it bring about any?