read my life like a book

come to me baby, please fulfill my wish
show it to me truly, show me with a kiss

Oh my god, so, I have figured out why I have taken to Aqua so much lately. I mean, within the last week or so, I just listen to Aqua a LOT. It's weird. I mean, songs that had zero play counts on my itunes. Not "Barbie Girl," thank you, that song is a little TMTH even for me, but, idk, "Roses are Red," "Calling You," "My Oh My." ("Dr. Jones" is an exception of sorts--I have been listening to it lately but it has always been on my guilty pleasure playlists, so it is not a rediscovery.) And I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, yeah, lately I REALLY like songs with a good beat, something danceable, but there is BETTER music of the sort available than Aqua. I mean, for god's sake, the lyrics are AWFUL. But I think I've finally put my finger on it.

I listened to Aqua in fifth grade. It brings back distinct memories of hanging out at Latchkey (the public school-facilitated childcare) with that bitch Shara and with Noah, whom I adored. I was ten years old and innocent as could be. All the more I knew about boys was that Noah was really cute and, oh my god, on Halloween we sat in an overstuffed chair together (pre-cuddling?) while we watched Hocus Pocus. I also probably had a huge crush on Jason at that time, and maybe (maybe?) Joe. But nonetheless, boys and all that they involve were completely abstract to me. There were a couple of "couples" in my fifth grade class (Drew G and Laurel P, Mike W and Hannah S), I don't know what they did as couples, went roller skating or to Worlds of Fun or that kind of thing, but, eh. I was boy-crazy in the standard tweenie sense of OH MY GOD ZAC HANSON, but I had no idea about the reality of relationships. Crushes on boys I did know were really no different than celebrity crushes; I kind of adored from afar, would have never dreamed of acting upon anything.

The thing is, though, that I never outgrew this.

I never had a boyfriend, I only barely dated (ergh). I don't know why. I just never developed the mental framework, the mindset, necessary to not only be in a relationship, but to even consider one. Throughout my lonely years of high school I pined for a boyfriend but I would not have known how to actually be a girlfriend. I mean, the one guy I had a huge crush on for years and years, if he had actually asked me out or something...? I mean, I can't even, never could, imagine it happening. Visualize it. I just didn't have the framework for it.

So, fast forward, a ways into college, I finally have some really, really good girlfriends and I'm not lonely anymore. I start thinking about how strange it is that I am such a nun. Obviously there's something wrong with me: I'm not pretty enough, I'm too weird. I no longer lack companionship and love but weird things are going on with my self-esteem nonetheless.

Meanwhile,
-I study abroad and explore my independence, relishing the adventures with Lindsey and the adventures I undertake alone.
-I witness my girlfriends who seemed so happy in their relationships betrayed and damaged by assholes and I have no idea how to help them.
-I start drinking, finally shedding the black-and-white moral code I clung to as a child.
-I think. I realize that the Bible does not contain a usable baseline morality for my own life. I don't pray, but I think.
-I familiarize myself with feminism and am able to recognize double standards, and am extremely pissed off by them.

In the past year I have finally learned some things about the realities of men and women and the interactions between them. I have lost my Disney fairy-tale expectations of being swept off my feet and eternally adored. I still have no idea of how to be in a successful relationship, but I...understand...a lot that used to be a mystery.

I am no longer innocent. But this is absolutely brand-new to me and I still do not how to put all the pieces together; meme the children's choir teacher, meme the intellectual, meme the friend, meme the lush, meme the slut.

In fifth grade I was perfectly innocent but dazzled by boys. I listened to music like Aqua, which is catchy as hell but fairly dirty (without being explicit). It was a paradox but my soundtrack nonetheless. Now, twice as far down my road in life, I find myself in a rather more complicated but similar paradox. I go to church twice a week, I'm a role model to children, I would probably most often be categorized as a "good person"...but my morals...are gone.

If I was a character in a book, I would say that I was using the music to make my dilemma seem more simple, to hearken back to my innocence while still acknowledging that something is going on. To try to reclaim the vague, abstract perception of boys and sex. Am I allowed to perform literary analysis on myself?

Or is it simply that the music is catchy as hell?

i don't wanna waste my time on simple little things
i'd rather stay here overnight with happy boys who sing
come on let's go get it on, everybody let's go have some fun