medicine man, you dance me across the sky

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusions, staring at a crooked ground
...you always let me down

i don't wanna be the one, the one, the one that you forget
i don't, i don't, i don't just want to be your regret

lots on my mind but nothing new.
it is sunny today, that's nice.

so emo!

I can feel myself getting sad again. I don't know if I've been doing better lately because of the higher dose of drugs or because of the psychological significance of a new year/new beginning, but whatever it is, it's wearing off.

There's so much pressure on us to have Life Figured Out. I guess college wasn't nearly as difficult as high school had prepared me to expect; perhaps real life will turn out similarly? I mean, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for not actively networking and SEARCHING on a daily basis (my father tells me as much whenever we happen to talk to each other). And I really don't deal well with rejection...not getting the internship I expected/really wanted last summer shut me down to the degree that I never even looked for anything else. But I can't afford to do that now, this isn't just a summer where I can piddle around; this is the rest of my life...but I can't be expected to make decisions about the rest of my life NOW!!!! Plus my parents won't let me live with them (and I don't WANT to, don't get me wrong), so there's that pressure to be able to afford living on my own IMMEDIATELY...argh.

I don't have very many friends but even so I can't manage to be a good friend to all of them at the same time. I don't know how to fix this...

I just wanna go back to bed and not think about anything. Today sucks, from the still-falling snow to the already endless homework to the cake pan I just can't get clean.

rawr.

ice ice baby

Umm, it's been icing for five hours...but at least classes for tomorrow have been cancelled already! Sleep in...read...work on not-ignoring-my-honors-project...you know.

Turns out Teach For America's not for me after all. Which is just as well, I was not looking forward to dealing with the improper capitalization for two years. The only problem is, that sounded so perfect, I am absolutely clueless as to my next step... :(

Please, please, please, please, pleeeeease can the power not go out? kthxbai

Good things:
-no class tomorrow
-talking to C
-C's exciting interviewing!
-Reeses' brownies
-making music with A and L...haha
-Aerie Sunday/Monday
-not having any drama myself to contribute to aerie chats :)

11:11, make a wish

Classes start tomorrow. Should work wonders for resetting my internal clock, and for my persistent listlessness, and...yeah, those are the only pluses I've got. I have been quite bored for the last month or so--nothing personal, like, intellectually bored. It's no secret that I'm most satisfied when I have fifty thousand different things to do. But, ugh, I fear this semester is going to be more difficult than I could dream of...

And I have been doing a LOT better since New Year's about not keeping my mind on the past. Overall. I've had just one slip of note.
Oh, those resolutions, though...yeah they're broken.

I'm not in classes full of friends (which is to say, religion classes). I really do not expect to know most of my classmates. Maybe I'll meet new people, make new friends. (Suzy Antisocial? Ha. But, hey, it could happen!) Speaking of Suzy Antisocial, there is a rumor that Miss Meme is a "siren" which I would like to debunk. "Siren" is all about being, like, sexy and charismatic and just a magnetic personality. I'm pretty sure that if I had a magnetic personality I would have more friends than I could count on one hand. I'm not complaining, I adore my friends, just...not the rest of the world, really. :) It is true that I have a ton of fairly newfound confidence in myself and my body but that's all there is to it.

xoxo
gossip girl

Can you read my mind?

I don't know. I feel like I should have something to say. I am not sure that I actually do.

I've been living the last couple weeks thinking (on an obviously subconscious level) that it was actually the end of the summer, like, as far as my relationships and interactions with friends and family go. I know that doesn't make any sense. But whenever someone would mention some time point of reference I would catch myself thinking it was August...despite, yes, obviously it's ridiculously cold out. I never said this was a logical situation.

I have an awful memory. I always have. But on top of that, my mind is overactive when it comes to forgetting the negative...I can't tell if it's suppression or repression, but, I know I hardcore do it. My general rule for my basic bad memory is that I have about a year's worth of long-term memory, and after a year passes I only have vague recollections of certain anecdotes, rather than remembering my life as a whole. But that's not true right now; I remember NOTHING of the Spring 2008 semester. I...yeah. One day stands out (as living in infamy? perhaps. lol) but the semester as a whole...I'm like, what, I didn't live with Ashley? I took yoga??? I took a Spanish class, didn't I, maybe? I...whatever I did? It's really unnerving. Oh, but then, I just bought some lotion that I last used last winter and the smell of it is bringing up, just, a sense for my room last year, my roommates last year, stuff I don't remember at all.

*shrug.*

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is the concept of "home." I am not so sure I have a home right now. I don't say this to be emo, I just, lol I don't know if you know this about me but I think a lot. My parents' house ceased to be my home last summer. *shudder.* And here? These girls are just as much my family, but, it's hard to use a word like "home" when I'm only gonna be here a couple months...
Home is raiding the refrigerator and playing board games with Caitlin, Bethany, and Danny in the middle of the night.
Home is swinging with any of my girls when we're blue, sometimes even in January.
Home is falling asleep on the couch Latesa's bed with Ashley and Lindsey.
Home is making funny noises, funny faces, singing randomly, and not only not-being-judged, but being joined.
Home is a backrub, holding hair, and wisecracks for each other when we're sick.
Home is where we can best make fun of each other because we know each other so completely.
Home is where we don't need to finish sentences to communicate.
Home is where the heart is, they say--
So my home isn't a place. L-town, ehh. Springtown, ehh.
My home is Caitlin, Ashley, Lindsey, Latesa, Bethany. I don't know what that means for May...I mean, hell, I don't really know what it means for now. Because I can't have you all at the same time!! <3

I'm just being Miley

think I have...FINALLY...moved on. this may or may not just be due to my awful memory, how I don't remember what I did or what I felt, but I'll take it nonetheless.
I think I am at peace with summer 2008.

In other news, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was pretty good for a three-hour behemoth. It was really slow starting out, and lost me a time or two throughout, but overall it actually kept my attention pretty well. And was good. And was pretty much Titanic meets The Notebook meets Big Fish, so I mean, if that floats your boat. Well I suppose Titanic doesn't really float any boats...*cymbal.*

I submitted my application for Teach For America. Cool. I was supposed to chat with a representative from the organization tonight but he never called...err...s'all good. Hopefully I will have better luck with this than past Christmas Break application essays! (Christmas 2004 was scholarship apps to Wash U, Christmas 2005 was applying to be an RA at MSA. Obviously I didn't get either of those lol.)

Speaking of MSA...
I don't know.
Once upon a time that was a HUGE part of my life. Back in high school when I didn't have any friends, when I didn't know who I was.
But I have an awful memory...
The day of Alumni Day this year I was idly logged onto facebook chat while passing a lazy afternoon at the SS Badass, the day after a certain ATO party. Someone I had met at MSA imed me and was like, hey, we should go to this next year. And I was like I don't care, I don't remember MSA.
For one reason or another I kept thinking about MSA more and more as the summer progressed. Digging for my journal from the time, straining to remember anything about my classes and the people. Meanwhile I was kept being encouraged to do alumni stuff next year until I was finally like, okay, okay, we'll go lol.
Then because of whatever happened I somehow ended up kind of mad at MSA lol. Logical, I know. And then, come to find out, there's a huge 25th-anniversary bash this year...thank you, cosmic irony. At first I was like, whatever, I don't care, I'm not going, but now I think--if I am still in the area--I will...

blaggity bloggity blah

Hmm. So, I've used xanga for years, but that's really the domain of whiny little emo kids...I suppose it's time for something a little more grown-up. I have been journaling regularly since midsummer; perhaps I can also have the discipline to blog. eh, we'll see. Plus, when better to try than the new year? Gosh, I can't even TELL you how excited I am to finally be rid of 2008.

Resolutions, as articulated on said xanga several days ago, and for original material, 3-days-in reflections:

-to read more: I read two chapters of Harry Potter today!
-to get a decent amount of sleep: yeah I went to bed at 4.
-to be nicer: ha, yeah, not gonna happen.
-to wish on stars: I never SEE the stars.
-to dance in the rain: entirely too cold for now.
-to make kisses meaningful and memorable: whatever.
-to be beautiful: well, shyeah.
-to not do things I know will hurt me: so far so good.
-to not be afraid of trying new things: I tried the chocolate martini Bee made me the other night?
-to appreciate my amazing friends and not let stupid things come between us: yeah!
-to be happy: tra la
-to let bygones be bygones: yeah burned that bridge so it's pretty much, bye, gone!
-to carpe diem: eh, I can seize tomorrow, I'm sleepy.
-to forget the past but not the lessons: *glaring*
-to help people: I offered to take a fussy baby at a funeral today to the nursery so the mom could be at the service? lol.
-to make the world a better place: hahaha, not to be cliche or anything.
-to go: yeah I don't really know what I mean by this either.

In other news, it was 60-something degrees out today; as such, Bee and I went swinging. Obviously. In the summer and early fall (basically until it got cold) I went swinging sooooo often...it's just an easy first step for something to do when I am, or one of my girlfriends is, sad, you know? But today, for me, it was more about enjoying the weather than about pumping out my disappointment. Hooray for warmth! I get so dang grouchy when it's cold, I think I have finally accepted that I really need to move someplace WARM when I graduate.

Peace out, home slices. Thanks for tuning in.
meme