I don't usually talk about this

So, I have quirky conceptions of privacy, I think. For most of my life I was fine with discussing the TS thing...then I learned to be embarrassed about it, just a couple of years ago, probably. Meanwhile I'm fine with discussing my boy troubles with just about anyone, I only draw the line at, say, my parents.

I work with kids with autism. One feature of autism is self-stimulation: sensory stuff. One example of "stimming," as we call it, would be a kid flapping his hands in front of his eyes. A couple of my kids stim like this. It's interesting to me because it greatly resembles my main tic.

One thing that's always been unique about my TS is that I don't realize when I'm ticking. It's more like I just space out. Once something--a noise, usually--brings me back to reality, I snap out of it, instantly ceasing to perform the tics. I never experienced an urge to tic; I never fought the tics.

"Ryan, quiet hands!"

Just a few weeks of being hyperaware of stimming with my kids at work has changed my own experience. I now am aware of when I am ticking. This was kind of cool at first. I had never been mentally "there" while ticking, I didn't know what it felt like; now, instead of stopping the behavior once I realize I'm doing it, it's more of a, "huh, I'm ticking." And I keep doing it until I am interrupted.

This has transformed from cool to scary. I don't have control of my own body when I get like this. Just now I was watching tv by myself, and during a commercial break my hands were flapping, my tongue was pressed against my teeth, my eyes were glazed; I was aware that I looked like an idiot. I wanted to stop. I couldn't. I mean, I could physically stop the actions, and I tried, but I experienced a knot of anxiety in my chest and I had to resume the tics to relieve it.

God, TS has always just been an accessory on my life, a neat little bit of trivia. Something else for me to boast about. "Yeah, I have what can manifest into a crippling learning disability, yet I have academic honors XYZ." It was never a disorder. Every now and then someone would catch me ticking and I would get a little flustered but that was all there was to it.

I never experienced it mentally. The stress of being trapped in a tic, with relief on a timeline outside of my control. (Well, that's kind of a lie, I've always had a couple of small verbal tics that were like that, but they do not occur with anywhere near the same frequency as my motor tics.)

It's horrible...