so i can close that chapter. i am so relieved. i won't be ready for that kind of responsibility for a very long time. and yet, in pondering worst-case scenarios, the sense of direction it would have given my life was actually pretty appealing. i don't know what i'm living for; in that case, i would have. you know? not that i WANT to be in that situation. let me be clear, i DON'T, and i am soooo glad i'm not. but it just helped me think some stuff through.
like permanence.
in my life, when i graduate, there will be nothing permanent. but in a GOOD way. i don't have to decide the rest of my life when they hand me the diploma. this is something i knew abstractly, but after considering worst-case scenarios, you know, i think i'm more comfortable with it. i don't need to get my dream job right away; i need to get *a* job right away, make enough money to pay the rent, and maybe enjoy myself a little, i AM just a kid. why not go someplace completely new, use my savings to put a deposit on an apartment, and then find a job? i think i'd be rather more motivated in that kind of situation than from sitting at my computer at my parents' house. and, god, i'd be living, even if i was eating nothing but ramen and sleeping on the floor. my parents' house (which they wouldn't let me stay there for more than MAYBE the summer, anyway) may have a comfy bed and plenty of food, but it holds me down. i don't have the liberty to LIVE in liberty, to explore and force myself to be independent and to learn and to break free.
i mean, when i stop and consider when i have been most at peace with me, the moments in which i was nothing more or less than me, without acting according to others' expectations...london london london. far away from years of routine, far away from the structures i'm used to, far away from people who will do things for me when i don't want to, far away from everything i know (except for one of my best friends!!!).
and i was incredibly homesick and missed the people i loved. but i learned so much about myself.
i think that's what i need to do in may. well not london obviously. but somewhere not missouri...
i'm sure my mind is a lot clearer than it would have been had i gotten bad news but it might be TOO clear; i don't think i can write. four days...but i do have Tuesday Night Marie Time in the meantime...
maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
those funny little things we never mean
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go, and i will not be back here again...
:)
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