Cliche

Year in review...?

I've been looking forward to this post all week but now I have nothing to say.

I'm giving up my vices
I'm going back, back to school
Eviction or not, this week's been so hot
That long as I've got you I know I'll be cool.
I couldn't crack the love code, dear,
'Til you made the lock on my heart explode!
It's gonna be a happy new year

I mean...
A lot happened
i guess

Depends on how you define that.

The biggest thing right now, actually, is rebuilding a bridge I thought for sure was toast. It's not much but it gives me hope--I don't even know what for. Just hope in general, I guess. That one can make a breakup as ugly as possible and still maybe be friends. I thought it was impossible. I guess it just takes a LOT of time.

And other things that happened this year?
so long ago
I'd just as soon not dwell on it.

I learned a lot.

(I guess just refer to this, lol.)

Global Warming

December: 65 degrees and swinging,
curls tangling across my face.
The radio proclaims, your love is my drug
It could almost be summer
if only it was summer

summer

last summer

I'll rebuild the bridge years later
but that doesn't change last summer:
carefree, mindless
not my finest hour
but so
so

happy






_____________
(NB: i'm not actually particularly emo. just striving for creativity. i wish i'd taken a creative writing class at some point [how did i not???]; i feel like my writing might be more viable if i had.)

Wanna know a secret?

On May 1, 2010, I watched the movie Adam. It is about a young man who has Asperger's and how he finds love, all that.

After seeing it, my main impression was, I could totally date a guy with Asperger's.

On May 30, 2010, I met a guy with Asperger's.

So my secret is...it kind of started as a dare to myself. Don't get me wrong, it went BEYOND that pretty quickly. But that's definitely how it started.

Little Miss Obsessive

a little bit possessive, Little Miss Obsessive, can't get over it

I know I'm in poor shape when the song in my head is Ashlee Simpson.

but seriously, what's wrong with me?

I'm ready for my respression drive to kick in. I want this out of my head.

Pre-new year profundity

2008: first kiss
2009: first time
2010: first love

what on EARTH do I have coming next year?? ;)

Try to remember...

Usually I have an over-active repression reflex. It's not anything I do consciously; I have a bad memory in the first place, and some things it's just easier not to think about.
-I have to work pretty hard to remember an awkward but not at all traumatizing date from last month.
-Nothing out of the ordinary happened in September, that's for sure (what Josh? I know no Josh).
-And this talk of the Irish Guy? That's a dream I only remember because I jotted down a summary right after I woke up.

So why does every detail of last summer play constantly in my head?

It would be so much easier if I just forgot.

Life Decisions

A. I typically end up where I'm supposed to be. You could call it intuition--I tend to not give myself quite that much credit. To use the language I grew up with, the framework I don't know how to discard, I always end up where God wants me. Example: in the back of my mind, I always knew I was meant to be a teacher, and here I am.

B. I am also very stubborn. Once I decide something, I can't rest until I follow through.* Example: I was determined that I didn't want to be a teacher. I didn't study education. I turned down a pretty significant scholarship offer in high school because it was for education majors. But what happened as college graduation approached? That final semester, too late to change my major, I finally admitted that my passion lay in teaching.

A. But I landed my wonderful, perfect-for-me job, through a barely-friend-of-a-friend. And I stayed in Springfield; THAT one I hadn't seen coming. And stuff about getting my teacher certification post-grad fell through, so I stayed and got promoted at my job. And I know that that was exactly what I needed to do at that time. Where I was supposed to be.

It's an A-B-A sequence. I know some Truth about myself in the back of my head, maybe even below a conscious level. I deny it because it's not what I want at the moment, and I pursue whatever it is I do want. But then it just doesn't work out and I end up at square 1, only this time I realize that that's what I really needed.

The problem is that both A and B are very strong; I often can't tell the difference between them until B goes south. My intuition (A) might be screaming at me to change my ways, but my stubbornness (B) yells back, embracing whatever it is that I'm trying to do.

This is where I lose agency. What I'm told to do is "leave it in God's hands." Wait for Him to "close a door" to direct me to the right path. And honestly, there are decisions where that's the only thing to do. Wait it out and eventually Decision B will show itself to be unhealthy.

All that to say: I don't know what to do...

*I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just a little quirk, or if it's a really complicated tic. It feels exactly like a tic. I have the urge, urge, urge, and I can't get it out of my head until I release it through taking action. Or I just go ahead and do the action before I have a chance to think about it and to be aware of the urge.

How crazy do I sound now? lol.

Currently playing

i feel so untouched
and i want you so much
that i just can't resist you
it's not enough to say that i miss you
i feel so untouched right now
need you so much somehow
i can't forget you
been going crazy from the moment i met you

"Untouched," The Veronicas

I know it's not fair for me to feel like this. To feel like a victim. Ending it was my decision, and I know it was the right one.
The fact that I had to end it, though, seems very unfair, even this far out--apart longer than we were together.
I've heard (arbitrarily I am sure) that it takes twice as long as you were together to get over somebody. Will I last another three months? I don't trust myself too fully...

moment of weakness

3 months later, and what do I do?
I make a playlist.
I mean--
there are worse things I could do. (although THAT song's not on the playlist.)

it is, if nothing else, entertainingly genre-boggling! (which is why I'm sharing it!)
I now present:

November Nostalgia

1. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece--I'm complete

2. Kansas City - Sneaky Sound System
somebody in Kansas City loves me

3. Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris
if you fall for me, I'm not easy to please

4. Honey - The Hush Sound
you are my loooooooove, you are my love [very precise spelling]

5. No One Else on Earth - Wynonna Judd
how did you get to me? . . . no one could love me like you

6. Hurricane - The Hush Sound
you're the finest thing that I've done, the hurricane I'll never outrun

7. When the Day Met the Night - Panic at the Disco
he was just hanging around and he fell in love, in the middle of summer

8. Little Miss Obsessive - Ashlee Simpson
then I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it

9. ...Baby One More Time - Britney Spears
my loneliness is killing me, I must confess I still believe

10. Get Back - Demi Lovato
I wanna get back to the old days when the phone would ring and I knew it was you

11. Gotta Go My Own Way - High School Musical 2
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand

12. Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you

13. Do it Again - The Beach Boys
I've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we surfed and danced and all the faces we miss so let's get back together and do it again


Don't worry, Friends-who-care-about-me. My heart wants to. My body certainly wants to. My head even presents a pretty good case. But whatever part of me is above all of that knows it can't happen and won't let it happen.

Perspective

While dancing with a creepy older man who kept trying to rub up on me: gaaah, I can't do this, I'm still 100% in love with my ex, I'm sad, blah blah blah

While dancing with VERY PRETTY BOY: you know, I think I could move on.

lolll

Turning the page...

I bought a new journal. I'm psyched. I've got a handful of pages left in the Pink Journal to write the rest of what I have to say about the summer, and then I must symbolically move on. CLOSE THE BOOK, you might say. Get him fucking out of my head, I might say.

I take these transitions very seriously.

The Tiny Notebooks were my travel diaries, and also "oh yeah THAT happened" when R happened, because honestly, who expected that??
The Giant Notebook was A + the shenanigans of senior year or so; the last page was written my last night in the old apartment.
The first page of the Pink Journal was my first night in this apartment (May). And then the rest of it, well, you can figure it out.

So what will the new one hold?? I had noooo idea when I started the pink journal that I would have something to fill it so quickly. And here I am already starting a new chapter.

*death by cheesy metaphor*

:-D

Bathroom mirror

She stares herself down. Cheeks flushed from drinking. Hair loosely pulled back, tendrils curling behind her ears. T-shirt clinging in all the right places. Lips full and fresh and not pointed upward. Eyes so beautiful but so, so sad. "I'm so pretty," she thinks. "Shouldn't there be someone to appreciate it?"

She'd given up on her first love out of a vague feeling of it not being "right." She had yet to stop feeling regret for her choice. How vain is it to decide another person's life without even providing a reason?

She acknowledges that she is probably overreacting. The relationship hadn't even lasted the summer; how could it be a Big Deal? It's sad when a 3-year relationship ends, but 3 months? It's not supposed to be the end of the world.

She blinks, the thick outlines of her eyes jumping back into place. She hadn't meant to fall in love until it was right - the person she would spend the rest of her life with. What can she trust if her own judgment will so quickly fail her?

She bites her lip, hand on the doorknob. One last searching gaze yields no further answers.

Different

Different.

I'd done it before, but with him it was different.

I didn't realize how different.

It wasn't just that it was way better (although that was much appreciated),

It...it was everything they ever tell you

All that stuff about two becoming one. About giving the person a piece of you. About being tied to the person forever. The flings weren't like that.

But this was different.

Different.

And I can't shake it.

My body yearns for it. I'm pulled like a magnet. I've never wanted something so badly.

I know I can't. I'm a smart girl.

But it's a hole I can't fill. (And not in the dirty, literal sense, because that one CAN be filled, and I don't think it would HELP. What I'm feeling is not as simple as being horny.)

Every inch of me screams out for it.

Different.

Lesson learned: this is why you're supposed to wait.

All riled up

There are certain things about Southern Baptist dogma--not about God, but just some applications--that I do not believe in. The two easiest examples: Abortion=killing babies and should be outlawed. Homosexuality=a sinful choice. Usually it's just Pat Robertson, for example, going off on that stuff, which is easy for me to ignore; when I do occasionally encounter it in my daily life, it really upsets me. I can't reconcile my beliefs about a loving God with conservative condemnation.

In Sunday School today there was some ranting (yelling, honestly) about the evils of abortion. The lesson was about moral relativism. I wanted to say, "you know what, I don't think anyone is relativistic when it comes to abortion. to ME, having the option is RIGHT, and denying it is WRONG, actually." but I mean of course I couldn't say that. and the teacher was, of course, dismissing any sort of argument as folly. I realize that when it comes to abortion most everyone is either firmly one way or firmly the other, and it's a difficult conversation to have, but it deeply bothers me to be yelled at along the lines of, "people are going to different countries to adopt babies, and we're murdering them here!"

1. You're a MAN, and as such could never be in a situation where you have to make that decision. Fuck off.
2. How do you know none of the women in the room have had an abortion? The statistics are very, very high. even if you consider abortion evil, which is your prerogative, you shouldn't go around making well-meaning women who made a mistake feel like shit. everyone fucking makes mistakes.

Sure, of course, a woman could carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption. All sorts of couples want to adopt brand-new babies and leave those older kids in foster care. but what if she doesn't want to go through A) the physical stress and B) the social stress*? oh, you say, it serves her right, it's what she gets for having sex. WELL, WHAT DOES THE MAN GET FOR HAVING SEX? ZERO CONSEQUENCES. ZERO FUCKING CONSEQUENCES, for being [at least!] equally guilty. So why should the woman have to suffer?

(*I mean, the woman who gives the child up for adoption would probably be alienated from, say, church. You wouldn't fucking praise her for being brave and carrying the child--you would fucking judge her for having sex outside of marriage.)

and I would think this is too obvious to even mention, but if you DID outlaw abortion, you wouldn't get rid of the motivation. Women would get them illegally and dangerously, and then not only would embryos be dying left and right, but so would women.

augh

it just really, really hurts me when things get...well...Baptist in a conversation about morality. if he had started to talk about homosexuality, as I was afraid he would, I would have HAD to have said something. Which then would have alienated ME from my new Sunday School class. Nice going, Sunday School teacher!

I love church. and I loved the rest of the lesson. I just can't handle being yelled at about the evil-ness of something that I 100% believe should be available, without there being an option for rational discussion. I mean, there's Sanctity of Human Life Sunday every year, and I've never been offended by the sermons. I always expect that I will be, but the pastor handles the topic very respectfully.

(Choose your own conclusion!)

Graceful ending:
There's a difference between valuing life and condemning sinners.

Bitter ending:
There's a difference between valuing life and condemning sinners--ahem--FELLOW sinners. Don't fucking think you're any better. All sins are equal in God's eyes, you'd know that if you read the Bible you beat people with.

If you made a mistake, wouldn't you do whatever you could to get your life back on track?

Trifling

I grew up on Disney movies, and came of age with musicals.* Do you have any idea how much it kills me to learn that it's possible that love isn't enough? That love won't conquer all, that being in love doesn't cause a "happily ever after," that two people can love each other very much and still not be right together?

love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!
-please, don't start that again.

*yeah Moulin Rouge more than anything to be honest, but a little Broadway romance here and there.

second person is an awkward way to write

I've been thinking a lot about first kisses.

Soft and timid. Slow to occur because you're not sure if you're being too forward. A kiss goodnight as you go your separate ways a few hours after meeting.

Hard and certain. I-want-you-now, this-is-right, oh-my-god-we're-at-a-park-and-there-are-a-bazillion-people-around-and-I-don't-even-care. A kiss you don't forget about. A kiss you don't want to end.

Nervous but excited, leaned up against your friend's car. A kiss you didn't see coming. A kiss you wouldn't mind continuing but your friend's right there and waiting for you, for goodness' sake.

Meaningless as the clock strikes midnight. He'd been flirting but is on his phone when the year rings in, so you take charge for once.

(Others before that? Drunk and delirious. No specific memories.)

Hesitant with your new best friend. You're conjoined at the phone but there's more pressure in person. Does he not know you're crazy about him? You slowly convince him of your feelings as soft kisses build momentum.

So forced on your bedroom floor. A cruel experiment, leaving two lonely geeks alone together. You've never done this before and you're thrilled, somehow unaware that you're playing with matches. You're burning away all your fairytale dreams one nervous giggle at a time.

don't you bring me down today

I'm beginning to sense a trend

So I haven't "dated" extensively, really. But I've...hmm. There are more guys in my past than I usually realize.

Now here's my trend:

All of them except for two have been gigantic jerks. Like, off-the-charts levels of douchebaggery. R, Mr. Honeywell, Josh-whatever, etc etc. And I mean, they seem nice at first; they just end up doing something mind-blowingly mean.

The two that were nice were the only two I was ever serious with. (So that's good at least. That I don't try to be serious with the assholes and wind up a battered woman or cheated on or what have you.)

But why, when I'm not necessarily looking for serious, do I just find the bad ones? And not "bad" as in "bad boy hot," "bad" as in "majorly sleazy." Couldn't I be not-serious with nice guys?

Maybe nice guys don't do not-serious. Maybe I'm actually being sleazy myself by doing not-serious??

Or maybe not-serious just brings out the worst in people. by which I mean, maybe if the nice guys had been fun-without-definitions they would've been jerks to me, too. (Actually, I know for a fact that's not true in the recent case. Because it almost started out like that, and he treated me like a princess nonetheless.)

say there's something better
but tonight you know you'll never find it

My douchemonster trend terrifies me. It makes me want to run right back to my Nice-Guy ex. I don't WANT to let people treat me like that, and that would be an easy way to make sure of it. But that's clearly faulty motivation and isn't fair to either party.

I guess I don't know how to be selective?? And yet I DO on some level. What with the only ever getting serious with nice guys.

I don't know. In conclusion...maybe I should swear off men for a while? lol/sigh...

No regrets, just love

I miss the feelings.

Endorphins. Oxytocin. You know.

I don't know that I miss him.

moderate what-to-do-with-my-life crisis

Deja vu. only less "getting into" and more "doubting that I made the right decision."

Sometimes I wish things were easier.

I think I'm stuck. I can't get teacher certification as long as I have my current job, and every option to get my BCaBA has fallen through, as well. (Plus, honestly, BCaBA will do me very little good--a higher-level certification [which requires a master's] is needed to work for, say, a school district.) What do I do? I'm perfectly comfortable, yes...but I am very limited. I could probably not get an equivalent job anywhere else.

So what do I do?

The smartest thing I could do, career-wise, would be to get my teacher certification...but to do that I have to leave my job at minimum, or maybe even move (i.e. Warrensburg has the severe-special ed program).

And, don't worry, Springfieldians, my response to that is whole-heartedly "fuck that."

I thought I was comfortable here because it was right. What if I'm just comfortable here [meaning "my job"] because it's the easy thing to do? Because I don't have to make any big decisions, any big changes, any big commitments?

I'm 23, I'm not supposed to have my whole life planned out. To have settled down already. But I like things the way they are. I like my job, my church, my home, my wife and kids (lolll)...

argh.

So many of them

Caitlin: wait, whose photos?
whose beard?
me: josh
Caitlin: wait
that clarified NOTHING

food for thought

I submitted this to ERB, but I'll toss it here in the meantime:

Which is less destructive, hooking up with an ex or a one-night-stand with a stranger?

Or to be more specific: Which is less destructive to do while on the rebound, hook up with the ex or have a one-night-stand?

(And, yes, the correct answer is keep it in your pants and don't sleep with anybody, but that wasn't an option, now, was it?)

Wisdom from Cosmo!

"You should not be asking yourself or your friends, 'How do I know if he's The One?' because it's kind of like an orgasm: If you're not sure that you had one, you didn't. If after giving it thought you're still not sure your guy is The One, he probably isn't."

i've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we've surfed and danced and all the faces we've missed so let's get back together and do it again
#beachboys

A sequence and a post script.

Saw a facebook ad about Mormons -->
Remembering the friendly politician fellow who turned out to be Mormon and not flirty -->
A: "how old is he?" M: "I dunno, less than 30" -->
A: *looks him up* "MARIE! HE LOOKS OLD!" -->
Oh yeah--I'm horrible at judging age.
fin

Also:

If I think someone does not look old, and he or she is not old, doesn't that make me a good judge of age? With me this far? Okay, what about when the rest of the world thinks the person does look old, even though he is she is not? That doesn't make ME any less ACCURATE, right??

It starts in my toes...

I'm being haunted the song "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. How else do you explain it?

Background: the song's a good two or three years old, and not anything I'd ever actually LISTENED to. My roommates spring of junior year, the music therapy girls, would play it on their guitars from time to time, and that was really my only exposure to it--their nervous chattering of "tee hee it's actually about an ORGASM," all that. I didn't really care. Not really my type of music--a little too mellow, a lot too lovey-dovey.

Story: A couple weeks ago my car cd player broke, so I've been listening to the radio on drives too short to bust out the iPod. Meanwhile, two weekends ago I ended things with my first serious boyfriend. Two or three days after that all occurred, "Bubbly" came on the radio just as I turned on my car to drive to work. I listened to it out of curiosity--as I said, all I knew was the "tee hee, orgasm" thing--and, WOW, it was depressing.

the rain is falling on my window pane
but we are hiding in a safer place
under covers staying dry and warm
you give me feelings that I adore

'cause, like, the first night we were together that weekend, before I knew that I had to end it, it was all stormy...and we didn't leave the bed his apartment...

About a week later (also known as a few days ago), the song came on AGAIN on my drive to work. Here's how it went: I listened to the intro, was reminded of "Bubbly," but thought, "noooo, as old as that song is, there's no way they're playing it at the exact same time two times in a week!", but, yeah, no, that was it. I switched stations and didn't give it another thought...

...Until today. I was listening to that same station (the main Top 40 station), and they were playing Taylor Swift, so I switched to my backup station. The backup station--how do I describe it? I always think it's alternative until I hear them playing Katy Perry or Christina Aguilera, but it's not exactly Top 40. Anyhow--THE BACKUP STATION WAS PLAYING "BUBBLY." I actually shouted, "are you fucking kidding me???" and switched back to Taylor Swift.

I mean, I honestly don't think I'd ever heard the song all the way through before (except for Carrie and Kristen's virginal renditions). And to hear it on the radio across stations 3 times in like 10 days? When I listen to the radio for 10 minutes a day, tops? And that this happened right after I'd ended actually being in a place where I could actually appreciate something that happy and sappy.

lol...

Puzzling

So, does this summer's crop of girly pop feature more metaphorical references to puzzle pieces than usual, or is it just that I am more sensitive to these references now that I can't escape autism in any aspect of my life? (Puzzle pieces are a symbol for autism awareness.)

Miranda Cosgrove:
when I'm kissing you my senses come alive, almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find falls right into place, you're all that it takes...

and Katy Perry:
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece; I'm complete

And how does it fit into this that for the last three months, my mom and brother have been working on a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle, and on multiple occasions while waiting for a late date I sat down to work on the puzzle, and never once found a piece that connected?

Never...

I guess I should have seen it coming.

Mom and Dad

Breakup advice from my mom:
"It's like a physical wound. You have to go through the healing process; it takes time. Think of it like a broken leg. And you haven't even had the cast set; you're still waiting at the emergency room."
"But I don't want to be with anyone else!"
"Well, of course not. You're not thinking about going running when your leg just broke, because it hurts."

Breakup advice from my dad:
"Geeze, don't call him! There's no need to put HIM through your emotional roller coaster."

*sigh.*

I do have awesome parents...

Inventory

Sore collarbone, shoulder, chin, flaring in pain with every well-meaning embrace.
Almost-invisible fingerprint bruises tracing up my arms and all the way down my legs.
Legs aching with every step away.

Not everything will fade so quickly.

How do I fall out of love?

Wouldn't it be nice?

I'm not the only person who listens to the Beach Boys all summer long, am I?
Anyhow, this one's my current theme song...


Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

The happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Oh wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be merry
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Oh, wouldn't it be nice

Signs I miss my kids:

I had a dream about one of my students last night. In my dream we'd gone back to school and over break he had started TALKING. He was hard to understand, but he had functional language. What I wouldn't give for that to come true!!!! :(

Breaking the fourth wall

Hello, blog. I always forget about you...

Actually, I'm pretty bored with this endeavour. I've already told all my friends anything worth writing about, and they're the people who read this. I don't feel like this site contributes anything to my online presence, much less to the internet as a whole (LOL).
meh...

I guess it is kind of fun to chart a timeline of events in my life against what I was writing about at the time. I mean there was this two months ago, and look at me now.

But I can get that same thrill from my journal. Plus I can be blunt in my journal. None of this cryptic, privacy, a-future-employer-might-be-reading-this baloney.

Yup. I have no reason to blog.

I'd much rather tweet the play-by-play than sit down and compose a full-blown post--especially after I've already tweeted the details!

my heart has wings, and I can fly...

okay, my reason to blog is to post Disney lyrics that are stuck in my head. Better? Didn't think so, hahaha.

Life Goals

So I've always had a list of ridiculous life goals in the back of my mind. This was inspired by Caitlin's list that was composed in the back of scholar bowl practice. I've never written mine out, though--so here's a start. I know there's a lot I'm forgetting...

-pop out of a cake.
-somehow be in Jesus Christ Superstar...pretty sure I missed my chance for that but oh well lol
-sing karaoke to "You Oughta Know"
-Titanic-style handprint on a window
-read Harry Potter en espanol

well that list is really short, and has already been partially tackled. (I read Sorcerer's Stone in Spanish, but Chamber of Secrets and Half-blood Prince both proved too much, lol.) But still. I wanted to have it in writing. hahaha

I can't stop smiling

New phone with lots of nifty features. Had a pretty good day at school today (one of the newbies is finally trained to work 5 of the kids, thank God). Came home and did some really good journaling. Yummy salad and home-grown green beans for dinner. Evening time with Pistashleyo. Being giddy during choir with Erica. Making a slight spectacle of myself during choir by laughing so much. Rocking out to Beach Boys with Erica on the way to Andy's, which the director bought for everyone. Good talk with my mom, good chat with my man, good/ridiculous convo with my roomie. Found the Metromix pic after a lady in choir told me she saw my picture on the internet (to be fair, she saw us oot and aboot that night). I ate ice cream three times today. We have awesome plans for this weekend, and awesome BIRTHDAY plans for the next weekend, along with awesome crazy-party-in-Lawrence plans. I have a whole 8 days until my class starts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is things are pretty good...

Hokay, so...

Tonight may have been the Apocalypse.

Ashley and I saw a movie, and then walked to the Mudlounge. Time frame: around 9pm.
1. On the way, I saw that the downtown library (the one that is open late) was closed. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but it came to be a harbinger of doom.
2. We saw a freakishly long line of people outside the Outland Ballroom, and they were scary and rude.
3. THE MUDLOUNGE WAS CLOSED. Like, the staff were inside cleaning up, it was only just closing.
4. When we walked back, we saw a HUGE line of people outside Remington's--there's never ANYONE at Remington's.

Then we went back to the parking garage. As we drove off we kept hearing a clanking sound, so I pulled over and
5. A piece of my car was hanging off and dragging the ground.

We talked about what we wanted to do--I suggested pie at Perkins, and we settled on Sonic--and drove on.
6. Sonic was closed.
7. Perkins was closed.

We went to another Sonic, seriously shaken up.
8. We drove through a couple of stoplights that were not functioning.

We finally got our food and headed home.
9. The power had gone out in our absence.

...The storm occurred at like 5 this evening. LONG before all these events.

It was a really, really creepy hour and a half or so. Things seemed pretty touch and go for a while there. At this point I think it looks like we'll survive...

Alanis

you've already won me over in spite of me
now don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

blahblahblah

I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I don't know what I want to get myself into. I really wish I was going back to school this week, because then I would get my BRAIN back--I'm good for one week of break, but two is just too much time to myself. Especially when I have something massive to spend all my time over-analyzing... yeah, yeah, #firstworldproblems #omg2weekspaidvacationhowawful #whinewhinewhine #maniamsogladinever*wentunemployedicompletelylosemysenseswhenimbored

(*and in summer 2008 when I was unemployed I was a mess!)

things are shaping up to be pretty odd

I've been an iPod owner for five years, and I never messed with the whole On-the-go Playlist thing...until now. muahaha. It's actually pretty handy! That said, I present: the drive-home playlist.

If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland ft. Katy Perry
Your Love is my Drug - Ke$ha
See you Again - Miley Cyrus
If I Fell - Evan Rachel Wood
Ooh Ooh Baby - Britney Spears
Candyman - Christina Aguilera
Making Out - No Doubt
Shut up and Drive - Rihanna
My First Kiss - 3OH!3 ft. Ke$ha
Burnin' Up - Jonas Brothers
Don't Let Me Down - No Doubt
Head Over Feet - Alanis Morisette
I Can't Do it Alone - 3OH!3
I Got Nerve - Miley Cyrus
Wannabe - Spice Girls
Cuidate - La Oreja de Van Gogh
Again Again - Lady Gaga
I Wanna Hold Your Hand - Beatles

I've gotta feeling

I put a lot of stock in signs and feelings. Probably too much, considering how logical I otherwise tend to be. But you know...so far it works out pretty well...

:-*

coworker: "I don't mind not kissing anyone, because I think that there's a lot that goes into kissing, a lot of complicated emotions, and it means a lot to me."

me: "yeah, I used to believe all that Prince Charming stuff, but all but one of the guys I've ever kissed have been just random guys at bars or parties, so it hasn't meant anything to me in a while."

all but one

sweetie, you're coming up on Summer 2010. two years. get over it.




(nb: it's not HIM i can't get over. clearly. it's the situation--that that's the ONLY semi-normal romantic relationship i've ever been involved in...i just find it kind of depressing.)

Happy Easter!

The mom of one of my students invited me to Easter dinner--which was particularly awesome since I had been despairing of being alone. Actually, at the instant when she called to invite me, I was making myself pokemon kraft macaroni and cheese and thinking, "man, for Easter dinner I'm gonna be eating leftover pokemon macaroni." I was soooo touched that she thought of me, though! :) lovemyjob, lovemykids it was so funny, when my student first saw me he had a huge smile on his face, and then in a split second it changed to this huge "wtf" face...hehehe. But we had a great meal, and I helped hide easter eggs, and then I helped my kiddo find easter eggs... :)

Today was such a beautiful day. It's even easier to be joyful on Easter sunday when it is so nice out! hehehe.

in other news, I didn't have time to clean joe jonesie's cage this morning, and it smells to high heaven. consequences. hahaha

Internet dreamz

I had a dream last night that a friend (I honestly don't remember who) and an ex were trying to get me to do a threesome with them. :-S The main part I remember is him asking, "come on, Marie, why not?" and me responding with, "um, well, you BROKE my HEART" which is kind of strange because I don't really use that phrase--and you'd think my first reason would have been that we had never gone that far. But then he kissed me and it felt like our first weekend together when everything was perfect. I woke up then but if I hadn't I would have done anything he asked.

(I've spent the last year and a half mostly-subconsciously trying to recreate the way I felt that weekend. I've never even come close. So it was nice, I guess, to dream about it.)

In other news, I just facepalmed really hard at a photo of the Irish guy that popped up on my newsfeed. If I didn't have four friends to vouch for the noises they heard, I'd be pretty certain that never actually happened, heh. #alcohol #woo #mantherewerealotofpeopleinouraptthatnight #ohmygodthatwasonlyayearago

Confessions of a Springfield Single Gal

Background: so our church hires police officers to come hang out during the service, one in uniform in the back lobby and one in plainclothes to sit in the front row. Miss Meme hangs out in the choir loft, whether singing or violining.

Today, from my perch in the front row of the choir loft, I noticed something. The plainclothes cop was really hot. I may have stared. I may have lusted. Worse things have happened. I felt a little bad, but I felt a lot worse when, after the service, I was TOTALLY BUSTED.

The music minister--who, during the sermon, sits in the same front corner as the cop--came up to me and asked if I know the security guard guy. "um...no?" I mumble, realizing I've been caught. "I thought you were looking at me at first, but then I realized you were looking at him." "um...yeah...he's...a cutie" I trail off, dying of embarrassment. The music minister asked if I wanted him to introduce me, but I decline, as I realize how OBVIOUS I had been.

Tra la, pack up my violin, call Erica over and tell her my tale, start to head out, and the music minister catches me again. "He's getting married," he discloses. "Aw, too bad" I mumble, still pretty embarrassed...but at the same time amazed that this 40- or 50-something man did that kind of detective work* for me!!! Freaking awesome. I mean, seriously! I mean, I realize that his helpfulness probably springs from the archaic expectation that a good Baptist girl must be married off as soon as possible (see also how the next Sunday School class up after "college" is "young marrieds"), but still.

(You know, that married-off-as-soon-as-possible thing itself probably stems from good ol' young-folks horniness. Better to get married and do it than be single and do it.)

*I'm lolling at the music minister doing detective work on a cop for me.

My life is so ridiculous.

I love it.

Disturbing disney dilemma

Fact:
I haven't watched near enough Disney movies lately.

Actually, I haven't watched ANY Disney movies lately.

Actually, I never fuckin' saw the Princess and the Frog, and it's out on video now, so what's my excuse??? I mean, that movie was marketed to me. Specifically. The previews starting out with Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, basically my childhood. And the prince is soooooo handsome--Disney's hottest prince since Aladdin! And it's Disney's first black princess! And I can't wait for some fresh Disney meat to chew up from a feminist perspective!

I've been feeling like watching Snow White lately. Which is odd because I never really liked that one--actually, I never really gave it a chance because her voice bugs me. I guess I could buy it and watch it. I have a habit of buying these movies and never watching them (see also: Pinocchio, Oliver and Company, Dumbo, several others).

i'm wishing (i'm wishing)
for the one i love (for the one i love)
to find me (to find me)
today (today)
i'm hoping (i'm hoping)
and i'm dreaming of (and i'm dreaming of)
the nice things (the nice things)
he'll say (he'll say)
tell me, wishing well
will my wish come true,
will my wish come with your magic spell
won't you tell my loved one what to do?

I also hardcore feel like listening to some Disney On the Record (a broadway show of disney medleys, basically, kind of dumb but i saw it at starlight FRONT ROW CENTER and it was EPIC, I mean when the chick was singing "part of your world" she was making EYE CONTACT WITH ME AND ASKING ME, "what do you call it?") (lolol) (that actress now plays Mary Poppins on Broadway), but i took that cd out of my car at some point and it seems like a lot of effort to find it on my ipod, turn off shuffle, etc. hahaha

I should go to bed. Stop whining about my disney dilemma. Can't actually do anything about it at the moment--bedtime--but I can wish! LOL

A few things.

1. It strikes me that it was possibly a Poor Choice to begin to listen to the Hush Sound again (first time in months and months) at the same time as I'm weaning myself off antidepressants. LOL

2. I met a new student today! I have him after school for an hour a couple times a week, and when there is an opening in my class he will move to that spot (probably Julyish). We had an amazing first session! He cried one time, when--wait for it--HE WAS LEAVING! ^_^

3. It's really cold in my room right now. Tomorrow's supposed to be really cold. Wtf I thought it was spring!

4. So I'm leaving for KC immediately after school tomorrow, and I just realized that I haven't packed at all. I haven't been there since Christmas :-x and I have a lot of junk to get rid of, hehe (namely heavy coats, stuff I want my mom to mend, etc).

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones might be the most beautiful person alive.

What does this tell you about how much I'm meant for my job

We're gonna start potty training one of my students next week and I am...wait for it...SO EXCITED about this. wtf??? :-D

Whaddaya know

I can make healthy decisions sometimes! :)




a good, good night...

Updatez

I had my first IEP meeting last week. It went really, really well.
What can I say, I love what I do! I love my kids, I love my coworkers, I love it all.

In other news, Jonesie hardcore-bit me because I tried to reclaim my chocolates from him. Jerk.

In other other news...*shrug.* My life is splendidly normal. I don't think I really got to live February last year; every moment I wasn't with him (because those were the effed-up moments) were spent catching up on homework.

Tomorrow I'm going pink for church. I'm so excited. Morning service, college lunch*/valentine's party (HOLLA), home for a couple hours, orch practice, I'll probably stick around for the service, and then chili and dessert cookoff, and i'm JUDGING DESSERTS, SO EXCITED OMG. hehehe

*I'm still in the college class because the next Sunday School class up is for "young marrieds"...

Music Testimony

written for adult choir at my church; each week someone is featured on the back of the rehearsal notes, for a getting-to-know-you kind of thing.


I grew up attending Liberty Manor Baptist, in Liberty, where my mom plays the piano and my dad sings in the choir. Music was never a choice for me—it’s my default setting. I mean, as small children my brother and I played with Mr. Potato Heads under the piano while my mom gave lessons.

I started taking piano lessons from my mom the summer before kindergarten. I switched to violin in fifth grade—piano skips a generation, I’ve heard?—and was involved in school orchestra, choir, and musicals for the rest of my Liberty career.

Meanwhile, I’d given my life to Christ as a child and I joined church choir in eighth or ninth grade. After some personnel upheaval, I found myself called to be interim minister of music for six months when I was sixteen. It was inevitable, really; both my parents had done it in the past! Although I had little responsibility beyond leading music on Sunday mornings, the ministry role was a tremendous opportunity for me to serve my church and the Lord at a young age.

My personal definition of music as worship occurred around that time. My school choir sang a gorgeous arrangement of “How Can I Keep from Singing?” I know it’s incredibly cliché, but that’s exactly what it is for me—how could I not? “No storm can shake my inmost calm while to that rock I’m clinging; since I believe that love abides how can I keep from singing?” Or, for an alternative perspective on the theme, “if every tongue were still the noise would still continue, the rocks and stones themselves would start to sing!” (Jesus Christ Superstar paraphrase of Luke 19:40.)

I moved to Springfield for college and soon thereafter started attending FBC. Nowadays I help with Children’s Choir, play in the orchestra, and hang out here in choir, of course. While I never could have done music as a career—um, the reason Mom quit giving me piano lessons was because I have a tendency not to practice—it is as natural a part of my life as laughing. And praise God for giving us so much to sing about—honestly, how could I keep from singing?

Signs

Signs I am nowhere near ready to have kids, #194:

When I get home from a day at work, if I feel like eating dinner and watching tv rather than playing with Jonesie, I do it. I completely ignore him to focus on my superficial desires.

dammit

Remind me to try, sometime, engaging in a normal relationship with a male. "Normal" defined-as-but-not-limited-to:
-not a one-night stand
-a guy I actually like
-not an icon guy
-not a guy fresh out of a serious relationship

bob lawblaw

I'm pretty sure time is cyclical. The coincidences aren't coincidences; they're just history repeating itself. It's not even that I make the same mistakes, not even that things end up the same way, it's just...

If you catch me off guard, sometimes I don't know what season it is, let alone month or year.

I swear the nineties weren't that long ago. I mean, "1999" sounds fairly recent to me. But it's not. At all. I was twelve. God. Throughout my teenagerdom I regarded twelve, for some arbitrary reason, as the time I started thinking like an adult. That my consciousness was really "me." Maybe because I don't remember much before then? Maybe because I had no friends before then? Maybe because that's when sex ed was? haha.

Obviously my thinking and my experience is altogether different after a decade.

Time just seems so relative. Things that happened 36 hours ago barely remain in my consciousness, while I'm all, "holy shit, my student was born in 2003 and is six years old, no way, 2003 was way too recent for that." A guy from a year and a half ago is on my mind way more than any of the guys since then. Harry Potter still seems novel, while Star Wars feels like ancient history.

lol.

I know this doesn't make sense.

And then I wonder how something as permanent as marriage could even be in the cards for me at all? Because I have pretty successfully severed feelings and commitment from just plain lust. I don't know how to turn that back on. and right now I don't WANT to. Yet while out in public recently, I saw a cute little family and was hit with a wave of "oh my god I want a husband and kids NOW," hahaha.

Meanwhile it all repeats, repeats, repeats.

The same comments, the same compliments, the same awkwardness, it's all the same...

For a novelty, though, at this very moment my pet rat is stuck in my trash can!