I can't stop smiling

New phone with lots of nifty features. Had a pretty good day at school today (one of the newbies is finally trained to work 5 of the kids, thank God). Came home and did some really good journaling. Yummy salad and home-grown green beans for dinner. Evening time with Pistashleyo. Being giddy during choir with Erica. Making a slight spectacle of myself during choir by laughing so much. Rocking out to Beach Boys with Erica on the way to Andy's, which the director bought for everyone. Good talk with my mom, good chat with my man, good/ridiculous convo with my roomie. Found the Metromix pic after a lady in choir told me she saw my picture on the internet (to be fair, she saw us oot and aboot that night). I ate ice cream three times today. We have awesome plans for this weekend, and awesome BIRTHDAY plans for the next weekend, along with awesome crazy-party-in-Lawrence plans. I have a whole 8 days until my class starts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is things are pretty good...

An anecdote or two

So I broke the alarm system at school yesterday. I was up there working for a few hours, the only person around, and when I left I set the alarm and locked up. However, since I had never done it before, I stuck around to make sure everything went smoothly...and a good thing I did, because about a minute after I'd left, the alarm started going off. Wtf??? I went back in and disarmed it; repeated the entire process; and then the alarm wouldn't reset to the whole "ready to arm" thing, no matter how many times I opened and closed the front door. uhh. I called Chris (the teacher in charge of our building, who's been sending me inappropriate texts all weekend, lol) and she was like, "huh. Well, make sure you lock up..." and she was gonna send someone to go check it out (lol so don't try to break into the building ;) ). Wtf did I do that set off the alarm after I'd left?? I am so confused. ...And I'm thinking I'll probably avoid being at school alone for a while, so I don't have to deal with it again.

I visited my darling Caitlin over the weekend! I had a blast. From hookahs to hipsters, hobos to highway-crossings, rats to Rag-o-rama, with a dash of plans-to-run-off-to-Vegas-to-elope thrown in, it was a delightfully strange adventure. :)

Strange night

So I go to the mall with A, L, and R. Get some sweet deals at Old Navy, some sweet shoes at Payless. Wander wander wander wander, DOUBLE TAKE. I stop in the middle of a story, jaw dropped, and gape at a kiosk. With an expression of "shock, disgust, and a little bit of fear," I realize that the salesguy at said kiosk is a guy I've, um, met at a club. Met romantically. On multiple occasions. And he sees me, with that bizarre expression on my face. hahaha.

Then the four of us pile into the car and head home, with a "anyone need to go anywhere else?" "nah" conversation. However, the route takes us past a sex store, and we decide a detour is in order. (Keep in mind that A and L and I are female, and R is L's boyfriend). We spend a good twenty minutes comparing vibrators, laughing at pornographic interpretations of movies such as Wayne's World and Pirates of the Caribbean, and being a little horrified by the photos on the back of the DVD cases. (I do think the Wayne's World one would be hilarious!!! ;) ) We contemplate such novelties as a masturbating Obama action figure, camo condoms ("don't let them see you coming"), and crotchless fishnets.

Back to the car, only to decide that booze is required. This leads to a fail of a walmart run, and then a more successful liquor store visit. I, however, do not purchase anything, and then the others drop me off at home, pour their booze into plastic bottles, and head out.

And now I'm going to go to bed before too long. Might shave my legs beforehand. Anticlimactic much?

...my life is both hilarious and awesome. :)

Keeping track

So I read in the L-town paper while I was around last week that the senior class has two National Merit semifinalists (it's too early in the year for finalists). My reaction was, wait a minute. Their class has probably 200 more people in it than ours did, and we had five--shouldn't they have more than two, statistically speaking? That got me thinking about my four peers:

-One I had seen three days before
-I had seen another's sister-in-law that day
-One lives in the same town as me now, and I've seen her roommate occasionally in the last few months?
-And the other, with whom I was actually friends, I haven't seen or had any weird connection with, but his brother got married the following day, if that counts at all.

I just thought it was kinda weird that I actually had present-day connections with those people, still. haha. I mean, I had classes with them here and there in high school, of course, but I was only really friends with the one.

And in other news, I think Jonesie made out with me last night. What?

august ftw

What day is it? last forty minutes of the sixth. three days. I thought I was going to be fine, fine, fine, but then last night as I lay awake shivering I couldn't stop the flashbacks. I wish...I don't wish for that, that never would have worked, but I wish for the hope and optimism and puppy love and trust that I had then? Because all that was lovely.

and what it all comes down to
is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine

My baby girl turns nine tomorrow. She's one of my best friends...yet I've talked to her maybe three times since last summer. She knew EVERYTHING G-rated about my life, and a decent amount of the PG-rated, haha. Nine. Third grade. I remember her as the shy three-year-old; the defiant four-year-old; the lazy five-year-old; the curious six-year-old; the sassy seven-year-old...God, she's growing up. I realized that I love kids because of her; I'd never babysat prior to her, and thought I didn't like kids. I learned how to deal with kids on her (ie, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!). I had the joy of helping someone develop a love for reading. I experienced the bewilderment of her grieving for some obscure relative she'd never known. I basically got to practice being a mother, heh. Beyond that, we had battles of wills, we cuddled and napped together, we argued over who loved Zac Efron more, we had lazy days of watching cartoons and eating junk food, we went on all sorts of adventures throughout the city, we teased each other about boys.




Happy birthday, Squirt. You growing up may make me cheesily reflective, but more importantly, it gives you that much more opportunity to kick a lot of ass. Love you forever.

Summertime

I'm about at the end of my summer vacation. My school is year-round, and we're currently on a two-week break, and I'm starting classes at MSU next week, so, yeah, the last week of takin' it easy was all I'll get. I spent some quality time in L-town with C and B and my family, I've been trying to finish decorating my bedroom, and I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (except in Spanish this time). I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out MSU stuff, which proved a lot more complicated than I had anticipated.

I will be doing, drumroll, the Master's of Arts in Teaching program, with certification in Secondary English. Not exactly what I had anticipated but it will be a lot easier and less time-consuming than earning elementary certification; plus I get a Master's out of it, y'know? And I will be certified in English for grades 5-9 and 9-12; at that point, I was told, I can take the elementary Praxis test and can probably get hired for fourth or fifth grade (which is what I ultimately want, for now).

The program will take me three years. For this first year, I've got my day job (which, by the way, I LOVE) and will do online and night classes (starting with two online next week). Then I'll start the MAT program hardcore, with an intensive summer educational workshop next year (which will mark the end of my time with my kiddos :[ ); after that I can start teaching in my own secondary language arts classroom. After one year of teaching (and the accompanying MSU-work) I will be certified; after a second year I will have my Master's. May 2012.

Cool.

Never saw myself staying in the 'field for three more years but there ya go. I'm SO excited about the prospect of earning my Master's, and finally getting into a classroom. :) I can be a real teacher in a year.

In other news, I love the New Yorker.

I think that's all for now.

oh it is my birthday

Token reflection-y post. So. 21 was officially my year of CRAZINESS. How now, 22?

Last year I rang in my birthday for a week (most of which with Caitlin!), starting with seeing Wicked, a show I didn't even really like at that point, on the 24th, and concluding with passing out at a concert and ruining everyone's night on June 1. With plenty of best friends, boys, and booze in between. Actually not so much plenty of boys, just too much focus on one who didn't deserve it.

Birthday week last year included:
learning to ride a bike
cider and vodka in andrea's basement
metro station
filming a music video (alex eating a beanie baby?)
video games
swinging
the blue skirt all week long
bar-hopping in l-town
discovering the power and light district
the "awkward party" that more than lived up to its name
alcoholic bubble tea
kansas
spooning linz on r's bed
lots of mexican food but only one margarita (it was banana!)
a day to myself to catch up a little while my friends were at a big concert
my third-ever journey to kirksville; the first of four rather monumental visits of the summer
so, so, so much awkwardness
sitting bitch between r and kent
lookin' hott at "skankalicious" birthday party
embarrassing myself at said party
playing with a dog
not sleeping; just sipping water while "thx fr th mmrs" blasted in my head. all night.
early morning on the porch with the bubble machine, and eventually with caitlin.
etc.

birthday festivities this year:
going out saturday night.
i had a tasty beverage this afternoon.
going out for caitlin's birthday friday night.

Birthday 2009 sounds much more manageable, don't you think?

now

last night I couldn't sleep. I'd toss and turn, toss and turn, and finally drift off only to dream of A or D or more juvenile nightmares too and wake up within the hour.

the pieces are falling into place perfectly. I LOVE my job, I LOVE the new apt.

But it'll take me a while to learn to balance everything. Right now I feel sooooo disconnected. I haven't spent time with Ashley or Lindsey or Stella in what feels like ages (NB: I suppose this is by choice atm, but I need to go to bed), let ALONE latesacaitlinbethanyvincentericalexmomdadcarlyandrealydia etc...

sweet marie, there's a hole where your heart should be

i don't get marriage.

what's so special about a relationship that happens to involve sex that two people get to commit to love each other for the rest of their lives? why is it okay for friendships to slowly fade across distance but it's the end of the world when it's romance? what i mean to say is, i care more strongly about my girlfriends than i can EVER really imagine caring about some dumbass guy. why isn't there a way to commit to love each other forever, to perform the necessary maintenance on the relationship, to be heartbroken when we're apart...? i mean, yeah, it's a lot more logistically difficult when you think of more than just two people, obviously five people have to go their separate ways i guess, but...idk. i'd rather be married to caitlin lindsey ashley latesa, in the sense of commitment and love and putting effort into the relationships and cohabitation, and just use guys for physical needs without getting emotionally attached.

who will buy this wonderful morning?

oh oh oh, look at my hair, what 'do can compare with my hair today?
i've got my hairspray and radio, i'm ready to go!
the rats on the street all dance around my feet
they seem to say, tracy, it's up to you

Isn't it amazing what something like the weather can do to one's mood?
I have energy. I haven't had energy, been my spazzy, crazy-eyed self, in so long. I'm happy, for no particular reason, but just to be alive.
Sure, there are bad things, there are worries, but so what? Focus on today, tomorrow will worry about itself.
There are good things like waking up to Stella's wtf face, like wonderful friends who love me even when I do really stupid things, like squeezing some girl time into our packed schedules, like TWO WEEKS until I see my best friend, like wearing a skirt on a beautiful day, like purple nail polish, like my relationship with my hair, like Cien anos de soledad and To the Lighthouse and how I actually GET them this time around and contribute great things to discussion, like free laundry tonight thanks to Bacchus, like having all my spring break appointments on the same day so I can hopefully sub four days, like chick flicks that reclaim the matriarchy rather than surrender it (eg, Waitress), like chocolate, like remembering Oliver and Godspell and other shows, like singing, like so, so much more that I can't even name right now.

I love you. I'm truly sorry for being such an asshole lately. Call me on it when I'm slipping that way again, okay?

lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have i

i know

i've been an awful friend lately. okay? i know. and it's really too late for me to do anything about how i behaved for the last month; it's in the past, you know? i'm sorry, if that's worth anything, which i doubt it is. i got carried away.

i've never had a lot of friends, i don't know much about the mechanics of friendship,

but i know that i, and my friends, have tendencies of repressing annoyances and more significant complaints, and that this works in the short term but just ends up with a lot of resentment that explodes out of NOWHERE all of a sudden.

i'd prefer honesty than to be tricked into suddenly becoming the villain in a carefree exchange of text-messaging or by giving the same advice you'd give me. even if it hurts at first, at least i would know WHY.

i don't want to hurt you, okay? that is my number one priority. i am in love with you girls, nothing means more to me than these friendships. but if i don't know what it is i'm doing that hurts you, i can't change, and the pent-up resentment hurts us both.

reasons have always been important to me. i love to know why things happen. i hate surprises.

please tell me why. (bsb or not, your choice).

and this goes out to -all- my girlfriends.

un premio de consolacion

Had a good day in English today. I've spent a lot of time and energy resenting that class for a variety of reasons but I loved it today, the discussion and the energy. It really helped my spirits, something that class has never done before, lol. I'm going through a lot of stress and suspense right now but I was able to find peace in literature, in thinking. I'm sure it won't last too long but I feel so much better than I did. I mean, no matter what happens...I know I'll be okay. I mean, I've never really had a plan for after college anyway, so how could one detail or another drastically alter my -nonexistent- plans?

I found myself wanting to talk about it today, not with my network of girlfriends who know the gory details already, but with...I used to have a guy friend, we weren't close at all, but every now and then we'd have a really personal conversation about what all was going on in our lives. And we had some really good insight for each other. And it was just good to have a guy's perspective.
But I don't have that anymore...

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
you always let me down

You know, I've had two different sets of plans to see Watchmen, plans that are no longer in the cards for various reasons. Maybe it's not meant to be. I'd meant to reread it before I saw the movie, anyway.

so emo!

I can feel myself getting sad again. I don't know if I've been doing better lately because of the higher dose of drugs or because of the psychological significance of a new year/new beginning, but whatever it is, it's wearing off.

There's so much pressure on us to have Life Figured Out. I guess college wasn't nearly as difficult as high school had prepared me to expect; perhaps real life will turn out similarly? I mean, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for not actively networking and SEARCHING on a daily basis (my father tells me as much whenever we happen to talk to each other). And I really don't deal well with rejection...not getting the internship I expected/really wanted last summer shut me down to the degree that I never even looked for anything else. But I can't afford to do that now, this isn't just a summer where I can piddle around; this is the rest of my life...but I can't be expected to make decisions about the rest of my life NOW!!!! Plus my parents won't let me live with them (and I don't WANT to, don't get me wrong), so there's that pressure to be able to afford living on my own IMMEDIATELY...argh.

I don't have very many friends but even so I can't manage to be a good friend to all of them at the same time. I don't know how to fix this...

I just wanna go back to bed and not think about anything. Today sucks, from the still-falling snow to the already endless homework to the cake pan I just can't get clean.

rawr.