Wondering

Is there a point at which an obsessive feeling lasts long enough that the feeling must be legitimate? I feel like mere obsessions burn out pretty quickly.

a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it

On a related note: I have a facebook status all planned out for May 30. However, that's the day after we move, so A) we probably won't have internet access and B) I will probably be too busy to remember to get worked up enough to post it. what to dooooo! ;)

Unrealistic

I build myself up a box of fantasy, shutting out my instincts, shutting out common sense, shutting out advice from those who love me. I crawl in and shut the lid tightly and remain there in bliss for as long as I can. Completely delusional. Eventually reality creeps in and I wonder how I ever believed the lies I told myself, because now their falseness is obvious.

But I don't know how to pop the bubble. I can tell when I bury a thought that I'm building up the walls, but I like it. The box is a very comforting place for me. I can't stop.

I guess the best I can do is not drag anyone else in there with me. Breaking my own heart is nothing new. But I can't invite someone else to my fantasy...

And I feel like, "it's not that my instincts are saying 'no' and I'm ignoring it. It's that I can't tell WHAT my instincts are saying." But they said "no" for months and months and months. Why should something have changed? (Rhetorical question. I have all sorts of justification-type answers, of course.) And I don't know how to break down the walls to get a clear reading.

I just get so obsessive.
I always have.

love love love love love

but

surely not?

Three years

For the uninformed reader, my first kiss was three years ago today. And the whole experience ended up getting really ugly. Yes, I'm nearly 24. I was a late bloomer. lol.

(One year)

And it's so strange, because what happened three years ago is what completely killed off the fairytale, happy ending, true love part of me. I was the girl with zero experience with romance and Disney movie expectations. And that part--that believes that Prince Charming is out there, that not all guys are douchebags, that there's such thing as Mr. Right, and that he'll find me someday--it was instantly gone.

Yet I think I've come full circle?

To waiting for Prince Charming.

I've tried seeking things out on my own and it clearly hasn't worked out well for me.

I really hate to surrender my agency, but this might just be one of those things that's out of my control. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life*

And I can't believe I'm letting myself be so...passive. I don't want to be a princess in a tower waiting for a prince, no way.

And I can't believe I'm letting my expectations rise. How can this lead to anything but getting hurt?

*"Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble--that's the kind of song I, the Marie I thought I am, HATES. Too cheesy, too unrealistic, too head-in-the-clouds. Yet me right now loves it and maybe shares the attitude to a slightly-less-cheesy degree.

and how thrilling that moment will be, when the prince of my dreams comes to me

Reading the ol' xanga

From June 27, 2008

'so i was telling a guy whom i know from MSA about my weekend and i used profanity at some point and between the details and my language he was like, "marie!!!! where's the girl i knew five years ago??" and I laughed out loud. she is looooong gone. ugh. i mean, i like me now a LOT better than me then...a lot lot...i'm a lot more interesting, i'm a better person in that i'm not super-judgmental, i actually have friends...but i never saw myself...here, i guess.'

Me + The Hush Sound

me: cutest video of the hush sound ever!
they are in an apple store!
bahaha
oh that's really freaky. i remember that performance - it was in denver WHILE I WAS IN FT COLLINS COLORADO. aaaaah #soclose
Ashley: awww! That's precious!
I'm sorry you missed out on seeing them.
two years ago.
me: thanks.
well i'd seen them 2 days before that performance.
so i guess it was okay.

Swinging: A Retrospective

Beautiful brand-new spring day. This called for, of course, going to the park and pumping my legs off.

Which is not an uncommon occurence for me. I guess just not as common as it used to be...

I can't swing without reliving...

May 2008. Chasing a broken dream across Shawnee Mission, L and I searching for a park with two free swings, R painfully along for the ride.

August 2008. Bitching about the park's sand yet refusing an offer to be carried across it. Swinging for fun rather than for therapy. Returning the next day for the latter purpose.

Fall 2008. Swinging with A and L with me always singing "7 things." Just being Miley, pretty much. (Except for the time we went swinging hungover. BAD IDEA.)

your hair, your eyes, your old Levis, when we kiss I'm hypnotized

Foreshadowing

Second weekend together with her new long-distance beau. They embrace on the couch in a borrowed living room. Her new favorite album, the soundtrack to her summer, fills the air. She teasingly sings along from time to time. In the middle of summer. He smiles silently.

Until the last track. He sings, I don't love you, I'm just passing the time.

He breaks up with her first thing in the morning.

second person is an awkward way to write

I've been thinking a lot about first kisses.

Soft and timid. Slow to occur because you're not sure if you're being too forward. A kiss goodnight as you go your separate ways a few hours after meeting.

Hard and certain. I-want-you-now, this-is-right, oh-my-god-we're-at-a-park-and-there-are-a-bazillion-people-around-and-I-don't-even-care. A kiss you don't forget about. A kiss you don't want to end.

Nervous but excited, leaned up against your friend's car. A kiss you didn't see coming. A kiss you wouldn't mind continuing but your friend's right there and waiting for you, for goodness' sake.

Meaningless as the clock strikes midnight. He'd been flirting but is on his phone when the year rings in, so you take charge for once.

(Others before that? Drunk and delirious. No specific memories.)

Hesitant with your new best friend. You're conjoined at the phone but there's more pressure in person. Does he not know you're crazy about him? You slowly convince him of your feelings as soft kisses build momentum.

So forced on your bedroom floor. A cruel experiment, leaving two lonely geeks alone together. You've never done this before and you're thrilled, somehow unaware that you're playing with matches. You're burning away all your fairytale dreams one nervous giggle at a time.

don't you bring me down today

I'm beginning to sense a trend

So I haven't "dated" extensively, really. But I've...hmm. There are more guys in my past than I usually realize.

Now here's my trend:

All of them except for two have been gigantic jerks. Like, off-the-charts levels of douchebaggery. R, Mr. Honeywell, Josh-whatever, etc etc. And I mean, they seem nice at first; they just end up doing something mind-blowingly mean.

The two that were nice were the only two I was ever serious with. (So that's good at least. That I don't try to be serious with the assholes and wind up a battered woman or cheated on or what have you.)

But why, when I'm not necessarily looking for serious, do I just find the bad ones? And not "bad" as in "bad boy hot," "bad" as in "majorly sleazy." Couldn't I be not-serious with nice guys?

Maybe nice guys don't do not-serious. Maybe I'm actually being sleazy myself by doing not-serious??

Or maybe not-serious just brings out the worst in people. by which I mean, maybe if the nice guys had been fun-without-definitions they would've been jerks to me, too. (Actually, I know for a fact that's not true in the recent case. Because it almost started out like that, and he treated me like a princess nonetheless.)

say there's something better
but tonight you know you'll never find it

My douchemonster trend terrifies me. It makes me want to run right back to my Nice-Guy ex. I don't WANT to let people treat me like that, and that would be an easy way to make sure of it. But that's clearly faulty motivation and isn't fair to either party.

I guess I don't know how to be selective?? And yet I DO on some level. What with the only ever getting serious with nice guys.

I don't know. In conclusion...maybe I should swear off men for a while? lol/sigh...