Life Decisions

A. I typically end up where I'm supposed to be. You could call it intuition--I tend to not give myself quite that much credit. To use the language I grew up with, the framework I don't know how to discard, I always end up where God wants me. Example: in the back of my mind, I always knew I was meant to be a teacher, and here I am.

B. I am also very stubborn. Once I decide something, I can't rest until I follow through.* Example: I was determined that I didn't want to be a teacher. I didn't study education. I turned down a pretty significant scholarship offer in high school because it was for education majors. But what happened as college graduation approached? That final semester, too late to change my major, I finally admitted that my passion lay in teaching.

A. But I landed my wonderful, perfect-for-me job, through a barely-friend-of-a-friend. And I stayed in Springfield; THAT one I hadn't seen coming. And stuff about getting my teacher certification post-grad fell through, so I stayed and got promoted at my job. And I know that that was exactly what I needed to do at that time. Where I was supposed to be.

It's an A-B-A sequence. I know some Truth about myself in the back of my head, maybe even below a conscious level. I deny it because it's not what I want at the moment, and I pursue whatever it is I do want. But then it just doesn't work out and I end up at square 1, only this time I realize that that's what I really needed.

The problem is that both A and B are very strong; I often can't tell the difference between them until B goes south. My intuition (A) might be screaming at me to change my ways, but my stubbornness (B) yells back, embracing whatever it is that I'm trying to do.

This is where I lose agency. What I'm told to do is "leave it in God's hands." Wait for Him to "close a door" to direct me to the right path. And honestly, there are decisions where that's the only thing to do. Wait it out and eventually Decision B will show itself to be unhealthy.

All that to say: I don't know what to do...

*I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just a little quirk, or if it's a really complicated tic. It feels exactly like a tic. I have the urge, urge, urge, and I can't get it out of my head until I release it through taking action. Or I just go ahead and do the action before I have a chance to think about it and to be aware of the urge.

How crazy do I sound now? lol.

moderate what-to-do-with-my-life crisis

Deja vu. only less "getting into" and more "doubting that I made the right decision."

Sometimes I wish things were easier.

I think I'm stuck. I can't get teacher certification as long as I have my current job, and every option to get my BCaBA has fallen through, as well. (Plus, honestly, BCaBA will do me very little good--a higher-level certification [which requires a master's] is needed to work for, say, a school district.) What do I do? I'm perfectly comfortable, yes...but I am very limited. I could probably not get an equivalent job anywhere else.

So what do I do?

The smartest thing I could do, career-wise, would be to get my teacher certification...but to do that I have to leave my job at minimum, or maybe even move (i.e. Warrensburg has the severe-special ed program).

And, don't worry, Springfieldians, my response to that is whole-heartedly "fuck that."

I thought I was comfortable here because it was right. What if I'm just comfortable here [meaning "my job"] because it's the easy thing to do? Because I don't have to make any big decisions, any big changes, any big commitments?

I'm 23, I'm not supposed to have my whole life planned out. To have settled down already. But I like things the way they are. I like my job, my church, my home, my wife and kids (lolll)...

argh.

Signs I miss my kids:

I had a dream about one of my students last night. In my dream we'd gone back to school and over break he had started TALKING. He was hard to understand, but he had functional language. What I wouldn't give for that to come true!!!! :(

Happy Easter!

The mom of one of my students invited me to Easter dinner--which was particularly awesome since I had been despairing of being alone. Actually, at the instant when she called to invite me, I was making myself pokemon kraft macaroni and cheese and thinking, "man, for Easter dinner I'm gonna be eating leftover pokemon macaroni." I was soooo touched that she thought of me, though! :) lovemyjob, lovemykids it was so funny, when my student first saw me he had a huge smile on his face, and then in a split second it changed to this huge "wtf" face...hehehe. But we had a great meal, and I helped hide easter eggs, and then I helped my kiddo find easter eggs... :)

Today was such a beautiful day. It's even easier to be joyful on Easter sunday when it is so nice out! hehehe.

in other news, I didn't have time to clean joe jonesie's cage this morning, and it smells to high heaven. consequences. hahaha

What does this tell you about how much I'm meant for my job

We're gonna start potty training one of my students next week and I am...wait for it...SO EXCITED about this. wtf??? :-D

Updatez

I had my first IEP meeting last week. It went really, really well.
What can I say, I love what I do! I love my kids, I love my coworkers, I love it all.

In other news, Jonesie hardcore-bit me because I tried to reclaim my chocolates from him. Jerk.

In other other news...*shrug.* My life is splendidly normal. I don't think I really got to live February last year; every moment I wasn't with him (because those were the effed-up moments) were spent catching up on homework.

Tomorrow I'm going pink for church. I'm so excited. Morning service, college lunch*/valentine's party (HOLLA), home for a couple hours, orch practice, I'll probably stick around for the service, and then chili and dessert cookoff, and i'm JUDGING DESSERTS, SO EXCITED OMG. hehehe

*I'm still in the college class because the next Sunday School class up is for "young marrieds"...

An anecdote or two

So I broke the alarm system at school yesterday. I was up there working for a few hours, the only person around, and when I left I set the alarm and locked up. However, since I had never done it before, I stuck around to make sure everything went smoothly...and a good thing I did, because about a minute after I'd left, the alarm started going off. Wtf??? I went back in and disarmed it; repeated the entire process; and then the alarm wouldn't reset to the whole "ready to arm" thing, no matter how many times I opened and closed the front door. uhh. I called Chris (the teacher in charge of our building, who's been sending me inappropriate texts all weekend, lol) and she was like, "huh. Well, make sure you lock up..." and she was gonna send someone to go check it out (lol so don't try to break into the building ;) ). Wtf did I do that set off the alarm after I'd left?? I am so confused. ...And I'm thinking I'll probably avoid being at school alone for a while, so I don't have to deal with it again.

I visited my darling Caitlin over the weekend! I had a blast. From hookahs to hipsters, hobos to highway-crossings, rats to Rag-o-rama, with a dash of plans-to-run-off-to-Vegas-to-elope thrown in, it was a delightfully strange adventure. :)

"remember, remember..."

I am snuggling in warm sweats fresh out of the dryer. I am spending the weekend with Caitlin in St. Louis! And then I have a week of break! And then, after that break, I will be a TEACHER!

Life is good. :)

livin' la vida loca

Started in the new building this week. (We moved our entire autism program down the street.) Oh my gah, things are crazy. It's a lot easier to spread staff really thin in the larger environment. Like, this afternoon, for example...there are five of us who work with our eight kids. One person had run back to the old building for an errand. One person was on one-on-one potty duty with a student (we're trying to get him potty-trained; he's sitting on the potty ALL DAY). One person was setting up snack. That left two of us with the kids playing with shaving cream/cleaning that up/taking everyone potty before snack. So I took two kids and got them cleaned up and pottied and went to drop them off at snack, but the person wasn't finished setting it up yet, so I had to stay with them. Which left one person alone with four kids and a big shaving cream mess. eek! (And this craziness was with one child taking a nap!)

I'm so excited for my teaching position. I know this is what I want to do. My job is more important to me now than getting certified is...which screws me over if I ever want to work anywhere else, but I don't see what else I can do. This job is everything I never knew I always wanted. heh.

Had a really great week in L-town last week. Probably my last chance to just chill there for quite some time, what with training and then, well, teaching. Jonesie (my darling rat) loves my parents, which is hilar, between my dad being a rat-murderer and my mom not liking animals. I subbed some and was that much more grateful for my real job (middle-schoolers are annoying). I chilled with B, and I got to go to the Fall Festival parade for the first time in...six years? Spent some time with my brother (hadn't seen him since June!), and briefly saw my Carly (see previous post lol). Saw a couple preciously adorable baby cousins*--who love me!--and a few miscellaneous extended family members.

Read Love in the Time of Cholera. I found it extremely disappointing, for as much as I love One Hundred Years of Solitude. Oh well. Next (not counting keeping up with my New Yorkers) I'm reading My Life in Pictures by Temple Grandin, who has autism. sweet.

*One example of their supreme cute-itude: while I was praising Rachel, who's three and a half and was sitting across the room, for putting shapes in the shape sorter ("good job, Rachel!"), her baby sister Abigail, eighteen months, who was climbing on me, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her lip, and scolded me, "Ah-bi-gail" (thinking I'd called her her sister's name). LMAO

that kind of September

try to remember that kind of September
when life was slow and oh so mellow

Things aren't yet crazy at work like I had anticipated. Haven't started working on the move yet, haven't started training yet. Which is to say, when I get home at 3:30 or so, I am bored. Not events- and activities-wise, I enjoy myself, but intellectually. I know, how many years did I spend griping about writing papers and such...but I hardly know what to do with myself without that kind of structure.

Need to contact Drury and help persuade them to open a severe special ed Master's. Kerri says they're thinking about it!! Not that I can afford any more Drury education...but I need somethin'.

Just finished rereading Icy Sparks by Gwyn Hyman Rubio. I first read it when I was fifteen. On the last page, 15-year-old Marie had drawn an arrow to some text with the note, "this is where I started bawling." 22-year-old Marie had not been moved in the slightest. hahaha. ch-ch-changes...

I've only got two days of school this week. Day off tomorrow, and then MANDT training (how to hold down a violent child so neither of you gets hurt) Thursday-Friday. I'll miss my little guys!!!!

the latest incarnation of "the plan."

No more MSU for me. They don't have a severe special ed program, and my classroom can in no way, shape, or form be squinted at enough to look like mild/moderate. Actually, it turns out that nobody offers a SDD (severe developmental disorders) masters or certification. Something about how districts will hire ya for an SDD position with a mild/moderate certificate. I guess having a teaching position prior to certification is kind of unusual, lolll. (I don't have a teaching position yet--that'll be sometime around December 12, when a teacher is due to squeeze one out.) But, yeah. I was telling my principal that I was kind of stuck and she suggested a new option. I am going to pursue Applied Behavior Analysis certification. ABA is the underlying methodology of our entire autism program. That certification would be more valuable to me in working with autism (here or wherever the wind blows me) than a token teaching certificate that doesn't really help with my group of kids. So, yup yup. I'm gonna take the fall semester off (um, although I haven't thought about insurance-type stuff yet...shit), just so I can focus on training for and then starting my new position, and hopefully start classes in the spring.

Also, I "decided" yesterday that once I finish whatever post-baccalaureate coursework I'm gonna do, I will buy myself a car as a reward/because I will then have money freed up from not paying tuition. LOL. I love my car, she's served me well, I've always planned to use it until it dies, but I rode with another teacher yesterday to a field trip and her car's just so damn FANCY. hahahaha. I want a Camry hybrid...do they still make those? Maybe by that point, years from now, they'll be marketing plug-in hybrids. mmmm.

In other news, it's my two-week break, hooray!!! Much sleeping in and laying out is in my immediate future. Um, and studying for my psych final...heh. And then headin' north, yay!

love

I. love. my. job.

I can't imagine doing anything else with my life...

My position isn't exactly enough to live on long-term. But if we buy that other building and make it autism-only...we'd need more teachers, surely? I could be a teacher?

Because right now the prospect of secondary English provokes the following reaction in me: "meh." I mean, it would be fine. But I don't think it would be nearly as satisfying as what I do now. I don't think there's as much love in that line of work. And maybe that's selfish of me. But I love my kids with all my heart. It's not the same thing I have with Carly, but it's similar. I don't know if I have it in me do love the hundred-something teenagers I would have at a time.

Hmm. Maybe I should figure out if MSU has a certification/master's concurrent program for special ed.

Summertime

I'm about at the end of my summer vacation. My school is year-round, and we're currently on a two-week break, and I'm starting classes at MSU next week, so, yeah, the last week of takin' it easy was all I'll get. I spent some quality time in L-town with C and B and my family, I've been trying to finish decorating my bedroom, and I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (except in Spanish this time). I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out MSU stuff, which proved a lot more complicated than I had anticipated.

I will be doing, drumroll, the Master's of Arts in Teaching program, with certification in Secondary English. Not exactly what I had anticipated but it will be a lot easier and less time-consuming than earning elementary certification; plus I get a Master's out of it, y'know? And I will be certified in English for grades 5-9 and 9-12; at that point, I was told, I can take the elementary Praxis test and can probably get hired for fourth or fifth grade (which is what I ultimately want, for now).

The program will take me three years. For this first year, I've got my day job (which, by the way, I LOVE) and will do online and night classes (starting with two online next week). Then I'll start the MAT program hardcore, with an intensive summer educational workshop next year (which will mark the end of my time with my kiddos :[ ); after that I can start teaching in my own secondary language arts classroom. After one year of teaching (and the accompanying MSU-work) I will be certified; after a second year I will have my Master's. May 2012.

Cool.

Never saw myself staying in the 'field for three more years but there ya go. I'm SO excited about the prospect of earning my Master's, and finally getting into a classroom. :) I can be a real teacher in a year.

In other news, I love the New Yorker.

I think that's all for now.

better

Hey, so, I have a job! :) I'm going to be a full time teacher's aide at a private, year-round school for special needs kids. I'll be working with children with autism, specifically. I am SO EXCITED.

Just a month ago I was so terrified of graduation. Now I've wrapped up my coursework (with a 4.0 for the semester, I think!), I have a plan for the immediate future, and I can't wait to see where it takes me. :)

a man, a plan, a canal: panama!

Okay, actually the only part of the title I care about is the "plan." Here it is (grin!):

I am enrolling in classes at Missouri State University to earn teacher certification.
I am living in a beautiful apartment with two of my best friends.

Financing the plan TBD, but I am soooooooo excited! About the specific plans, and about HAVING PLANS itself, omg. It's about time, haha.

I'm gonna be a teacher! :D
And I don't have to leave Ashley and Lindsey! :D
And our new home is soooo nice! :)

I'm just being Miley

think I have...FINALLY...moved on. this may or may not just be due to my awful memory, how I don't remember what I did or what I felt, but I'll take it nonetheless.
I think I am at peace with summer 2008.

In other news, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was pretty good for a three-hour behemoth. It was really slow starting out, and lost me a time or two throughout, but overall it actually kept my attention pretty well. And was good. And was pretty much Titanic meets The Notebook meets Big Fish, so I mean, if that floats your boat. Well I suppose Titanic doesn't really float any boats...*cymbal.*

I submitted my application for Teach For America. Cool. I was supposed to chat with a representative from the organization tonight but he never called...err...s'all good. Hopefully I will have better luck with this than past Christmas Break application essays! (Christmas 2004 was scholarship apps to Wash U, Christmas 2005 was applying to be an RA at MSA. Obviously I didn't get either of those lol.)

Speaking of MSA...
I don't know.
Once upon a time that was a HUGE part of my life. Back in high school when I didn't have any friends, when I didn't know who I was.
But I have an awful memory...
The day of Alumni Day this year I was idly logged onto facebook chat while passing a lazy afternoon at the SS Badass, the day after a certain ATO party. Someone I had met at MSA imed me and was like, hey, we should go to this next year. And I was like I don't care, I don't remember MSA.
For one reason or another I kept thinking about MSA more and more as the summer progressed. Digging for my journal from the time, straining to remember anything about my classes and the people. Meanwhile I was kept being encouraged to do alumni stuff next year until I was finally like, okay, okay, we'll go lol.
Then because of whatever happened I somehow ended up kind of mad at MSA lol. Logical, I know. And then, come to find out, there's a huge 25th-anniversary bash this year...thank you, cosmic irony. At first I was like, whatever, I don't care, I'm not going, but now I think--if I am still in the area--I will...