blahblahblah

I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I don't know what I want to get myself into. I really wish I was going back to school this week, because then I would get my BRAIN back--I'm good for one week of break, but two is just too much time to myself. Especially when I have something massive to spend all my time over-analyzing... yeah, yeah, #firstworldproblems #omg2weekspaidvacationhowawful #whinewhinewhine #maniamsogladinever*wentunemployedicompletelylosemysenseswhenimbored

(*and in summer 2008 when I was unemployed I was a mess!)

A few things.

1. It strikes me that it was possibly a Poor Choice to begin to listen to the Hush Sound again (first time in months and months) at the same time as I'm weaning myself off antidepressants. LOL

2. I met a new student today! I have him after school for an hour a couple times a week, and when there is an opening in my class he will move to that spot (probably Julyish). We had an amazing first session! He cried one time, when--wait for it--HE WAS LEAVING! ^_^

3. It's really cold in my room right now. Tomorrow's supposed to be really cold. Wtf I thought it was spring!

4. So I'm leaving for KC immediately after school tomorrow, and I just realized that I haven't packed at all. I haven't been there since Christmas :-x and I have a lot of junk to get rid of, hehe (namely heavy coats, stuff I want my mom to mend, etc).

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones might be the most beautiful person alive.

that kind of September

try to remember that kind of September
when life was slow and oh so mellow

Things aren't yet crazy at work like I had anticipated. Haven't started working on the move yet, haven't started training yet. Which is to say, when I get home at 3:30 or so, I am bored. Not events- and activities-wise, I enjoy myself, but intellectually. I know, how many years did I spend griping about writing papers and such...but I hardly know what to do with myself without that kind of structure.

Need to contact Drury and help persuade them to open a severe special ed Master's. Kerri says they're thinking about it!! Not that I can afford any more Drury education...but I need somethin'.

Just finished rereading Icy Sparks by Gwyn Hyman Rubio. I first read it when I was fifteen. On the last page, 15-year-old Marie had drawn an arrow to some text with the note, "this is where I started bawling." 22-year-old Marie had not been moved in the slightest. hahaha. ch-ch-changes...

I've only got two days of school this week. Day off tomorrow, and then MANDT training (how to hold down a violent child so neither of you gets hurt) Thursday-Friday. I'll miss my little guys!!!!

Summertime

I'm about at the end of my summer vacation. My school is year-round, and we're currently on a two-week break, and I'm starting classes at MSU next week, so, yeah, the last week of takin' it easy was all I'll get. I spent some quality time in L-town with C and B and my family, I've been trying to finish decorating my bedroom, and I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (except in Spanish this time). I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out MSU stuff, which proved a lot more complicated than I had anticipated.

I will be doing, drumroll, the Master's of Arts in Teaching program, with certification in Secondary English. Not exactly what I had anticipated but it will be a lot easier and less time-consuming than earning elementary certification; plus I get a Master's out of it, y'know? And I will be certified in English for grades 5-9 and 9-12; at that point, I was told, I can take the elementary Praxis test and can probably get hired for fourth or fifth grade (which is what I ultimately want, for now).

The program will take me three years. For this first year, I've got my day job (which, by the way, I LOVE) and will do online and night classes (starting with two online next week). Then I'll start the MAT program hardcore, with an intensive summer educational workshop next year (which will mark the end of my time with my kiddos :[ ); after that I can start teaching in my own secondary language arts classroom. After one year of teaching (and the accompanying MSU-work) I will be certified; after a second year I will have my Master's. May 2012.

Cool.

Never saw myself staying in the 'field for three more years but there ya go. I'm SO excited about the prospect of earning my Master's, and finally getting into a classroom. :) I can be a real teacher in a year.

In other news, I love the New Yorker.

I think that's all for now.

staying

It's kind of like how in junior year of high school I'd proclaim far and wide that, "IF I go to school in Missouri, it'll be at MU." And then ended up here.

Sometimes the right decision isn't nearly so drastic...yet is so much more perfect than I could have ever imagined.

The obvious huge benefits of staying include:
-Being a teacher, YAY
-Not losing my "home" for at least another year
-Not being far from my hometown and the people I love there

I keep thinking of smaller consequences of staying, too:
-I can go to Brett and Micah's wedding
-I can go to the Sherman Alexie convo next year, omg!
-I don't have an excuse to NOT attend MSA 25th-anniversary festivities...

On a different note, for English senior sem we have to write a narrative paper about either our "intellectual autobiography" (what books, etc have shaped the way we think) or how we've changed throughout our college educations (in terms of values and beliefs: intellectual, personal, spiritual, political). I'm definitely doing the latter and I am SOOOO excited about it. I kept jotting down notes during class yesterday and I honestly don't know how I'll fit it all in. I am so excited. Other than no one else would speak up and attest to a similar transformation...oh well, I can be the black sheep I suppose.
I think I'm gonna open my paper with,

Things have changed for me,
and that's okay,
I feel the same,
I'm on my way...

un premio de consolacion

Had a good day in English today. I've spent a lot of time and energy resenting that class for a variety of reasons but I loved it today, the discussion and the energy. It really helped my spirits, something that class has never done before, lol. I'm going through a lot of stress and suspense right now but I was able to find peace in literature, in thinking. I'm sure it won't last too long but I feel so much better than I did. I mean, no matter what happens...I know I'll be okay. I mean, I've never really had a plan for after college anyway, so how could one detail or another drastically alter my -nonexistent- plans?

I found myself wanting to talk about it today, not with my network of girlfriends who know the gory details already, but with...I used to have a guy friend, we weren't close at all, but every now and then we'd have a really personal conversation about what all was going on in our lives. And we had some really good insight for each other. And it was just good to have a guy's perspective.
But I don't have that anymore...

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
you always let me down

You know, I've had two different sets of plans to see Watchmen, plans that are no longer in the cards for various reasons. Maybe it's not meant to be. I'd meant to reread it before I saw the movie, anyway.

happy march!

ugh, i'm just sitting here ticking like crazy and thinking, thinking, thinking worrying.
try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you, oh, don't you know everything's all right, yes, everything's fine...
tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic
honors...
i really think it's a lost cause for tonight.
but i HAVE to.
my shoulders are cramping, i'm ticking so hard.
(for a comparison, i rarely notice myself ticking at ALL.)
lesson learned: stress exacerbates it. i guess that makes sense lol...

11:11, make a wish

Classes start tomorrow. Should work wonders for resetting my internal clock, and for my persistent listlessness, and...yeah, those are the only pluses I've got. I have been quite bored for the last month or so--nothing personal, like, intellectually bored. It's no secret that I'm most satisfied when I have fifty thousand different things to do. But, ugh, I fear this semester is going to be more difficult than I could dream of...

And I have been doing a LOT better since New Year's about not keeping my mind on the past. Overall. I've had just one slip of note.
Oh, those resolutions, though...yeah they're broken.

I'm not in classes full of friends (which is to say, religion classes). I really do not expect to know most of my classmates. Maybe I'll meet new people, make new friends. (Suzy Antisocial? Ha. But, hey, it could happen!) Speaking of Suzy Antisocial, there is a rumor that Miss Meme is a "siren" which I would like to debunk. "Siren" is all about being, like, sexy and charismatic and just a magnetic personality. I'm pretty sure that if I had a magnetic personality I would have more friends than I could count on one hand. I'm not complaining, I adore my friends, just...not the rest of the world, really. :) It is true that I have a ton of fairly newfound confidence in myself and my body but that's all there is to it.

xoxo
gossip girl