It needs to be said.

Adam--

Fuck you.

3 years ago you led me on, made me think I was special, made me completely fall for you, only to suddenly realize, DUH, I was just a rebound. I was 2nd choice.

Last winter you led me on, made me think I was special, made me completely fall for you, made me into something I thought I'd NEVER do to another woman, but I was still just 2nd choice.

You treated me horribly, but you know why I never unfriended you?

Adam, before the drama, we'd been friends for five fucking years. I didn't unfriend you because of the dorky Kirksville postcard you sent me in London, because of how you'd always ask my opinion about the latest Harry Potter, because of fucking MSA, Jesus! YOU'RE the one who still brought it up sometimes, who still held it as sacred. (Me, I'd fucking rather see the money go to--I don't know, anything remotely useful in an actual school!!) You were the only MSA person I was even remotely still in contact with, and as much as you hurt me, I didn't want to burn that bridge. I'd think that, even if 5 years of friendship before we pushed it too far doesn't mean anything to you, fucking MSA would.

I guess what I'm saying is, you had no right to unfriend me, since YOU are the one who repeatedly wronged ME. The immaturity of the action honestly bemuses me. What the fuck did I do to you? Not give you the chance to crawl back into our old pattern? Excuuuse me, princess. You've broken my heart countless times, but I say something slightly hurtful, and that's it?? Do you not see how douchey that is??? How much of a double standard? Fuck, makes me almost wanna send an informational facebook message to the girl you dated last winter--except, wait, I don't fucking go out of my way to hurt people.

Fuck you. I never would've chosen to burn the bridge. I respected the friendship we used to have.

I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

(the next morning: and, see, this is exactly why I refused to restart communication with him. he has WAY too much pull over my emotions.)

All riled up

There are certain things about Southern Baptist dogma--not about God, but just some applications--that I do not believe in. The two easiest examples: Abortion=killing babies and should be outlawed. Homosexuality=a sinful choice. Usually it's just Pat Robertson, for example, going off on that stuff, which is easy for me to ignore; when I do occasionally encounter it in my daily life, it really upsets me. I can't reconcile my beliefs about a loving God with conservative condemnation.

In Sunday School today there was some ranting (yelling, honestly) about the evils of abortion. The lesson was about moral relativism. I wanted to say, "you know what, I don't think anyone is relativistic when it comes to abortion. to ME, having the option is RIGHT, and denying it is WRONG, actually." but I mean of course I couldn't say that. and the teacher was, of course, dismissing any sort of argument as folly. I realize that when it comes to abortion most everyone is either firmly one way or firmly the other, and it's a difficult conversation to have, but it deeply bothers me to be yelled at along the lines of, "people are going to different countries to adopt babies, and we're murdering them here!"

1. You're a MAN, and as such could never be in a situation where you have to make that decision. Fuck off.
2. How do you know none of the women in the room have had an abortion? The statistics are very, very high. even if you consider abortion evil, which is your prerogative, you shouldn't go around making well-meaning women who made a mistake feel like shit. everyone fucking makes mistakes.

Sure, of course, a woman could carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption. All sorts of couples want to adopt brand-new babies and leave those older kids in foster care. but what if she doesn't want to go through A) the physical stress and B) the social stress*? oh, you say, it serves her right, it's what she gets for having sex. WELL, WHAT DOES THE MAN GET FOR HAVING SEX? ZERO CONSEQUENCES. ZERO FUCKING CONSEQUENCES, for being [at least!] equally guilty. So why should the woman have to suffer?

(*I mean, the woman who gives the child up for adoption would probably be alienated from, say, church. You wouldn't fucking praise her for being brave and carrying the child--you would fucking judge her for having sex outside of marriage.)

and I would think this is too obvious to even mention, but if you DID outlaw abortion, you wouldn't get rid of the motivation. Women would get them illegally and dangerously, and then not only would embryos be dying left and right, but so would women.

augh

it just really, really hurts me when things get...well...Baptist in a conversation about morality. if he had started to talk about homosexuality, as I was afraid he would, I would have HAD to have said something. Which then would have alienated ME from my new Sunday School class. Nice going, Sunday School teacher!

I love church. and I loved the rest of the lesson. I just can't handle being yelled at about the evil-ness of something that I 100% believe should be available, without there being an option for rational discussion. I mean, there's Sanctity of Human Life Sunday every year, and I've never been offended by the sermons. I always expect that I will be, but the pastor handles the topic very respectfully.

(Choose your own conclusion!)

Graceful ending:
There's a difference between valuing life and condemning sinners.

Bitter ending:
There's a difference between valuing life and condemning sinners--ahem--FELLOW sinners. Don't fucking think you're any better. All sins are equal in God's eyes, you'd know that if you read the Bible you beat people with.

If you made a mistake, wouldn't you do whatever you could to get your life back on track?

untitled

not like she didn't know this was coming. she was aware all along that when it ended, it would end badly--how could it not, given how it started? she took a deep breath. nothing to do now but wait.