Cliche

Year in review...?

I've been looking forward to this post all week but now I have nothing to say.

I'm giving up my vices
I'm going back, back to school
Eviction or not, this week's been so hot
That long as I've got you I know I'll be cool.
I couldn't crack the love code, dear,
'Til you made the lock on my heart explode!
It's gonna be a happy new year

I mean...
A lot happened
i guess

Depends on how you define that.

The biggest thing right now, actually, is rebuilding a bridge I thought for sure was toast. It's not much but it gives me hope--I don't even know what for. Just hope in general, I guess. That one can make a breakup as ugly as possible and still maybe be friends. I thought it was impossible. I guess it just takes a LOT of time.

And other things that happened this year?
so long ago
I'd just as soon not dwell on it.

I learned a lot.

(I guess just refer to this, lol.)

Little Miss Obsessive

a little bit possessive, Little Miss Obsessive, can't get over it

I know I'm in poor shape when the song in my head is Ashlee Simpson.

but seriously, what's wrong with me?

I'm ready for my respression drive to kick in. I want this out of my head.

Currently playing

i feel so untouched
and i want you so much
that i just can't resist you
it's not enough to say that i miss you
i feel so untouched right now
need you so much somehow
i can't forget you
been going crazy from the moment i met you

"Untouched," The Veronicas

I know it's not fair for me to feel like this. To feel like a victim. Ending it was my decision, and I know it was the right one.
The fact that I had to end it, though, seems very unfair, even this far out--apart longer than we were together.
I've heard (arbitrarily I am sure) that it takes twice as long as you were together to get over somebody. Will I last another three months? I don't trust myself too fully...

Trifling

I grew up on Disney movies, and came of age with musicals.* Do you have any idea how much it kills me to learn that it's possible that love isn't enough? That love won't conquer all, that being in love doesn't cause a "happily ever after," that two people can love each other very much and still not be right together?

love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!
-please, don't start that again.

*yeah Moulin Rouge more than anything to be honest, but a little Broadway romance here and there.

I'm beginning to sense a trend

So I haven't "dated" extensively, really. But I've...hmm. There are more guys in my past than I usually realize.

Now here's my trend:

All of them except for two have been gigantic jerks. Like, off-the-charts levels of douchebaggery. R, Mr. Honeywell, Josh-whatever, etc etc. And I mean, they seem nice at first; they just end up doing something mind-blowingly mean.

The two that were nice were the only two I was ever serious with. (So that's good at least. That I don't try to be serious with the assholes and wind up a battered woman or cheated on or what have you.)

But why, when I'm not necessarily looking for serious, do I just find the bad ones? And not "bad" as in "bad boy hot," "bad" as in "majorly sleazy." Couldn't I be not-serious with nice guys?

Maybe nice guys don't do not-serious. Maybe I'm actually being sleazy myself by doing not-serious??

Or maybe not-serious just brings out the worst in people. by which I mean, maybe if the nice guys had been fun-without-definitions they would've been jerks to me, too. (Actually, I know for a fact that's not true in the recent case. Because it almost started out like that, and he treated me like a princess nonetheless.)

say there's something better
but tonight you know you'll never find it

My douchemonster trend terrifies me. It makes me want to run right back to my Nice-Guy ex. I don't WANT to let people treat me like that, and that would be an easy way to make sure of it. But that's clearly faulty motivation and isn't fair to either party.

I guess I don't know how to be selective?? And yet I DO on some level. What with the only ever getting serious with nice guys.

I don't know. In conclusion...maybe I should swear off men for a while? lol/sigh...

Wisdom from Cosmo!

"You should not be asking yourself or your friends, 'How do I know if he's The One?' because it's kind of like an orgasm: If you're not sure that you had one, you didn't. If after giving it thought you're still not sure your guy is The One, he probably isn't."

i've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we've surfed and danced and all the faces we've missed so let's get back together and do it again
#beachboys

It starts in my toes...

I'm being haunted the song "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. How else do you explain it?

Background: the song's a good two or three years old, and not anything I'd ever actually LISTENED to. My roommates spring of junior year, the music therapy girls, would play it on their guitars from time to time, and that was really my only exposure to it--their nervous chattering of "tee hee it's actually about an ORGASM," all that. I didn't really care. Not really my type of music--a little too mellow, a lot too lovey-dovey.

Story: A couple weeks ago my car cd player broke, so I've been listening to the radio on drives too short to bust out the iPod. Meanwhile, two weekends ago I ended things with my first serious boyfriend. Two or three days after that all occurred, "Bubbly" came on the radio just as I turned on my car to drive to work. I listened to it out of curiosity--as I said, all I knew was the "tee hee, orgasm" thing--and, WOW, it was depressing.

the rain is falling on my window pane
but we are hiding in a safer place
under covers staying dry and warm
you give me feelings that I adore

'cause, like, the first night we were together that weekend, before I knew that I had to end it, it was all stormy...and we didn't leave the bed his apartment...

About a week later (also known as a few days ago), the song came on AGAIN on my drive to work. Here's how it went: I listened to the intro, was reminded of "Bubbly," but thought, "noooo, as old as that song is, there's no way they're playing it at the exact same time two times in a week!", but, yeah, no, that was it. I switched stations and didn't give it another thought...

...Until today. I was listening to that same station (the main Top 40 station), and they were playing Taylor Swift, so I switched to my backup station. The backup station--how do I describe it? I always think it's alternative until I hear them playing Katy Perry or Christina Aguilera, but it's not exactly Top 40. Anyhow--THE BACKUP STATION WAS PLAYING "BUBBLY." I actually shouted, "are you fucking kidding me???" and switched back to Taylor Swift.

I mean, I honestly don't think I'd ever heard the song all the way through before (except for Carrie and Kristen's virginal renditions). And to hear it on the radio across stations 3 times in like 10 days? When I listen to the radio for 10 minutes a day, tops? And that this happened right after I'd ended actually being in a place where I could actually appreciate something that happy and sappy.

lol...

Puzzling

So, does this summer's crop of girly pop feature more metaphorical references to puzzle pieces than usual, or is it just that I am more sensitive to these references now that I can't escape autism in any aspect of my life? (Puzzle pieces are a symbol for autism awareness.)

Miranda Cosgrove:
when I'm kissing you my senses come alive, almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find falls right into place, you're all that it takes...

and Katy Perry:
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece; I'm complete

And how does it fit into this that for the last three months, my mom and brother have been working on a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle, and on multiple occasions while waiting for a late date I sat down to work on the puzzle, and never once found a piece that connected?

Never...

I guess I should have seen it coming.

Wouldn't it be nice?

I'm not the only person who listens to the Beach Boys all summer long, am I?
Anyhow, this one's my current theme song...


Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

The happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Oh wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be merry
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Oh, wouldn't it be nice

Alanis

you've already won me over in spite of me
now don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

update

and if the timing is right to sneak off into the night
i'll let myself be taken just for the thrill
and if i'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands
i will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance

See my old posts regarding hedonism and such. Still valid.

Not so valid: my old identification with the following lyrics:
you sit there in your heartache
waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways

I don't want a beautiful boy to save me. Boys don't, CAN'T do that, and it's foolish to expect it. Prince Charming syndrome...I may have grown up on Disney movies, but they're completely unrealistic. Plus, being saved from my old ways--the price of that, as I learned last summer, would be making myself vulnerable. I've witnessed enough hurting, I don't want to go anywhere near that. The best I can hope for, for the time being at least, is to have some fun...while keeping my heart tucked safely away.

i have no doubt that i could love you forever
the only trouble is, i really don't have the time
i have one night only, one night only, that's all i have to spare
one night only, let's not pretend to care

(lyrics: the hush sound, "boys are too refined;" the killers, "when you were young;" dreamgirls, "one night only")

P.S. It's snowing. I do NOT approve. What ever happened to spring??