Vague but emo

(or vaguely emo?)

Words cannot describe what a total mindfuck I am going through.

To follow up on a theme in my recent posts, I've finally gotten last summer out of my head. Like, completely. I know I loved him, but I don't remember liking him. Not like I...

I did something remarkably stupid last night. I read through my journal from a few summers ago.

And for me it's pure deja vu. It's the exact same story. I'm reacting the exact same way.

How could I let that happen?

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
...you always let me down

Global Warming

December: 65 degrees and swinging,
curls tangling across my face.
The radio proclaims, your love is my drug
It could almost be summer
if only it was summer

summer

last summer

I'll rebuild the bridge years later
but that doesn't change last summer:
carefree, mindless
not my finest hour
but so
so

happy






_____________
(NB: i'm not actually particularly emo. just striving for creativity. i wish i'd taken a creative writing class at some point [how did i not???]; i feel like my writing might be more viable if i had.)

Wouldn't it be nice?

I'm not the only person who listens to the Beach Boys all summer long, am I?
Anyhow, this one's my current theme song...


Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

The happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Oh wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be merry
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Oh, wouldn't it be nice

Internet dreamz

I had a dream last night that a friend (I honestly don't remember who) and an ex were trying to get me to do a threesome with them. :-S The main part I remember is him asking, "come on, Marie, why not?" and me responding with, "um, well, you BROKE my HEART" which is kind of strange because I don't really use that phrase--and you'd think my first reason would have been that we had never gone that far. But then he kissed me and it felt like our first weekend together when everything was perfect. I woke up then but if I hadn't I would have done anything he asked.

(I've spent the last year and a half mostly-subconsciously trying to recreate the way I felt that weekend. I've never even come close. So it was nice, I guess, to dream about it.)

In other news, I just facepalmed really hard at a photo of the Irish guy that popped up on my newsfeed. If I didn't have four friends to vouch for the noises they heard, I'd be pretty certain that never actually happened, heh. #alcohol #woo #mantherewerealotofpeopleinouraptthatnight #ohmygodthatwasonlyayearago

countdown

(I set this deadline for myself a couple weeks ago, but haven't written it down anywhere until now; maybe this'll keep me honest, heh.)

So I have 18 days left to purge myself of a lot of bitterness.

What happened to me wasn't that bad. It's not anyone's fault* that it occurred on the tail end of a major depressive episode [and probably prolonged it]. I don't have the right to be so bitter toward a person when it was my own brain-chemical imbalances that were causing the bulk of the pain.

But, hooray! 18 days until I can listen to the hush sound, to panic at the disco, to MY FAVORITE MUSIC, without longing for what never could have been. 18 days until remembering the best experience of my high school years (MSA) doesn't make me cranky. 18 days until Batman Whatever-the-Joker-movie-is-called doesn't piss me off. 18 days until I no longer just kind of glare whenever I hear the name "West Plains."

18 days until I can read the chunk asterisked above without a bunch of bitter, snide remarks running through my head...

The whole "trusting men ever again" thing will take longer, because that wasn't his sole doing. But maybe this is a step down that road? I mean, not that that's even a road I WANT to go down, ever, necessarily...

Memory

and he said, would it be all right if we just sat and talked for a little while, if in exchange for your time i give you this smile?

Things I never remember:
the majority of the spring 2008 semester
my June visit to Kirksville last year
volunteering at Love INC last summer
volunteering at Rainbow Network in...spring 07?
MSA
how I ditched my friends for the latter chunk of last summer
the aftermath of the party in April
how much better puppy love feels than cynical lust

and she said, that's okay, as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart, and leave me all alone in the summer

Summertime

I'm about at the end of my summer vacation. My school is year-round, and we're currently on a two-week break, and I'm starting classes at MSU next week, so, yeah, the last week of takin' it easy was all I'll get. I spent some quality time in L-town with C and B and my family, I've been trying to finish decorating my bedroom, and I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (except in Spanish this time). I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out MSU stuff, which proved a lot more complicated than I had anticipated.

I will be doing, drumroll, the Master's of Arts in Teaching program, with certification in Secondary English. Not exactly what I had anticipated but it will be a lot easier and less time-consuming than earning elementary certification; plus I get a Master's out of it, y'know? And I will be certified in English for grades 5-9 and 9-12; at that point, I was told, I can take the elementary Praxis test and can probably get hired for fourth or fifth grade (which is what I ultimately want, for now).

The program will take me three years. For this first year, I've got my day job (which, by the way, I LOVE) and will do online and night classes (starting with two online next week). Then I'll start the MAT program hardcore, with an intensive summer educational workshop next year (which will mark the end of my time with my kiddos :[ ); after that I can start teaching in my own secondary language arts classroom. After one year of teaching (and the accompanying MSU-work) I will be certified; after a second year I will have my Master's. May 2012.

Cool.

Never saw myself staying in the 'field for three more years but there ya go. I'm SO excited about the prospect of earning my Master's, and finally getting into a classroom. :) I can be a real teacher in a year.

In other news, I love the New Yorker.

I think that's all for now.