I think I've (subconsciously!) convinced myself that my life with this big hole in it is a dream, and that any minute I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I'll be living the holiday bustle I'd planned; the wheels will be spinning toward the future I'd planned; I'll be happy, like I planned. Things will be like they were, only better. And these months of emptiness won't be anything at all.

And can you blame me? It happened once before. i.e. after months of separation things got back like they were, only better.

I thought I'd decided to let it go. And I truthfully believe that I did--I just managed to grab back on at the last second.

hmm.

Things will be better once the new year has passed...

bob lawblaw

I'm pretty sure time is cyclical. The coincidences aren't coincidences; they're just history repeating itself. It's not even that I make the same mistakes, not even that things end up the same way, it's just...

If you catch me off guard, sometimes I don't know what season it is, let alone month or year.

I swear the nineties weren't that long ago. I mean, "1999" sounds fairly recent to me. But it's not. At all. I was twelve. God. Throughout my teenagerdom I regarded twelve, for some arbitrary reason, as the time I started thinking like an adult. That my consciousness was really "me." Maybe because I don't remember much before then? Maybe because I had no friends before then? Maybe because that's when sex ed was? haha.

Obviously my thinking and my experience is altogether different after a decade.

Time just seems so relative. Things that happened 36 hours ago barely remain in my consciousness, while I'm all, "holy shit, my student was born in 2003 and is six years old, no way, 2003 was way too recent for that." A guy from a year and a half ago is on my mind way more than any of the guys since then. Harry Potter still seems novel, while Star Wars feels like ancient history.

lol.

I know this doesn't make sense.

And then I wonder how something as permanent as marriage could even be in the cards for me at all? Because I have pretty successfully severed feelings and commitment from just plain lust. I don't know how to turn that back on. and right now I don't WANT to. Yet while out in public recently, I saw a cute little family and was hit with a wave of "oh my god I want a husband and kids NOW," hahaha.

Meanwhile it all repeats, repeats, repeats.

The same comments, the same compliments, the same awkwardness, it's all the same...

For a novelty, though, at this very moment my pet rat is stuck in my trash can!

Shock

My stomach's twisting up, I'm hyperventilating, I'm on the verge of a panic attack for something that does not affect my life in the slightest.

But, God. I tend to remove myself from the past completely. It's been long enough since I've been involved with a guy that I've slipped back into my nothing-ever-really-happened frame of mind. I barely remember anything. Anyone. Because none of it is worth holding onto...

It's not that I regret it all. I'm fine with who I am. I don't feel burdened with a need to confess unspeakable sins. I'm so relieved to finally be me instead of the repressed, naive shell of a person I used to be. I'm at peace with my identity...I just lose the details over time.

But, God, I'm shaken up.

and to think that could've been me.

Plus...to think...ugh. Despite everything, he was always really nice to me...

Can you read my mind?

I don't know. I feel like I should have something to say. I am not sure that I actually do.

I've been living the last couple weeks thinking (on an obviously subconscious level) that it was actually the end of the summer, like, as far as my relationships and interactions with friends and family go. I know that doesn't make any sense. But whenever someone would mention some time point of reference I would catch myself thinking it was August...despite, yes, obviously it's ridiculously cold out. I never said this was a logical situation.

I have an awful memory. I always have. But on top of that, my mind is overactive when it comes to forgetting the negative...I can't tell if it's suppression or repression, but, I know I hardcore do it. My general rule for my basic bad memory is that I have about a year's worth of long-term memory, and after a year passes I only have vague recollections of certain anecdotes, rather than remembering my life as a whole. But that's not true right now; I remember NOTHING of the Spring 2008 semester. I...yeah. One day stands out (as living in infamy? perhaps. lol) but the semester as a whole...I'm like, what, I didn't live with Ashley? I took yoga??? I took a Spanish class, didn't I, maybe? I...whatever I did? It's really unnerving. Oh, but then, I just bought some lotion that I last used last winter and the smell of it is bringing up, just, a sense for my room last year, my roommates last year, stuff I don't remember at all.

*shrug.*

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is the concept of "home." I am not so sure I have a home right now. I don't say this to be emo, I just, lol I don't know if you know this about me but I think a lot. My parents' house ceased to be my home last summer. *shudder.* And here? These girls are just as much my family, but, it's hard to use a word like "home" when I'm only gonna be here a couple months...
Home is raiding the refrigerator and playing board games with Caitlin, Bethany, and Danny in the middle of the night.
Home is swinging with any of my girls when we're blue, sometimes even in January.
Home is falling asleep on the couch Latesa's bed with Ashley and Lindsey.
Home is making funny noises, funny faces, singing randomly, and not only not-being-judged, but being joined.
Home is a backrub, holding hair, and wisecracks for each other when we're sick.
Home is where we can best make fun of each other because we know each other so completely.
Home is where we don't need to finish sentences to communicate.
Home is where the heart is, they say--
So my home isn't a place. L-town, ehh. Springtown, ehh.
My home is Caitlin, Ashley, Lindsey, Latesa, Bethany. I don't know what that means for May...I mean, hell, I don't really know what it means for now. Because I can't have you all at the same time!! <3