Life Decisions

A. I typically end up where I'm supposed to be. You could call it intuition--I tend to not give myself quite that much credit. To use the language I grew up with, the framework I don't know how to discard, I always end up where God wants me. Example: in the back of my mind, I always knew I was meant to be a teacher, and here I am.

B. I am also very stubborn. Once I decide something, I can't rest until I follow through.* Example: I was determined that I didn't want to be a teacher. I didn't study education. I turned down a pretty significant scholarship offer in high school because it was for education majors. But what happened as college graduation approached? That final semester, too late to change my major, I finally admitted that my passion lay in teaching.

A. But I landed my wonderful, perfect-for-me job, through a barely-friend-of-a-friend. And I stayed in Springfield; THAT one I hadn't seen coming. And stuff about getting my teacher certification post-grad fell through, so I stayed and got promoted at my job. And I know that that was exactly what I needed to do at that time. Where I was supposed to be.

It's an A-B-A sequence. I know some Truth about myself in the back of my head, maybe even below a conscious level. I deny it because it's not what I want at the moment, and I pursue whatever it is I do want. But then it just doesn't work out and I end up at square 1, only this time I realize that that's what I really needed.

The problem is that both A and B are very strong; I often can't tell the difference between them until B goes south. My intuition (A) might be screaming at me to change my ways, but my stubbornness (B) yells back, embracing whatever it is that I'm trying to do.

This is where I lose agency. What I'm told to do is "leave it in God's hands." Wait for Him to "close a door" to direct me to the right path. And honestly, there are decisions where that's the only thing to do. Wait it out and eventually Decision B will show itself to be unhealthy.

All that to say: I don't know what to do...

*I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just a little quirk, or if it's a really complicated tic. It feels exactly like a tic. I have the urge, urge, urge, and I can't get it out of my head until I release it through taking action. Or I just go ahead and do the action before I have a chance to think about it and to be aware of the urge.

How crazy do I sound now? lol.

moderate what-to-do-with-my-life crisis

Deja vu. only less "getting into" and more "doubting that I made the right decision."

Sometimes I wish things were easier.

I think I'm stuck. I can't get teacher certification as long as I have my current job, and every option to get my BCaBA has fallen through, as well. (Plus, honestly, BCaBA will do me very little good--a higher-level certification [which requires a master's] is needed to work for, say, a school district.) What do I do? I'm perfectly comfortable, yes...but I am very limited. I could probably not get an equivalent job anywhere else.

So what do I do?

The smartest thing I could do, career-wise, would be to get my teacher certification...but to do that I have to leave my job at minimum, or maybe even move (i.e. Warrensburg has the severe-special ed program).

And, don't worry, Springfieldians, my response to that is whole-heartedly "fuck that."

I thought I was comfortable here because it was right. What if I'm just comfortable here [meaning "my job"] because it's the easy thing to do? Because I don't have to make any big decisions, any big changes, any big commitments?

I'm 23, I'm not supposed to have my whole life planned out. To have settled down already. But I like things the way they are. I like my job, my church, my home, my wife and kids (lolll)...

argh.

I'm just being Miley

think I have...FINALLY...moved on. this may or may not just be due to my awful memory, how I don't remember what I did or what I felt, but I'll take it nonetheless.
I think I am at peace with summer 2008.

In other news, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was pretty good for a three-hour behemoth. It was really slow starting out, and lost me a time or two throughout, but overall it actually kept my attention pretty well. And was good. And was pretty much Titanic meets The Notebook meets Big Fish, so I mean, if that floats your boat. Well I suppose Titanic doesn't really float any boats...*cymbal.*

I submitted my application for Teach For America. Cool. I was supposed to chat with a representative from the organization tonight but he never called...err...s'all good. Hopefully I will have better luck with this than past Christmas Break application essays! (Christmas 2004 was scholarship apps to Wash U, Christmas 2005 was applying to be an RA at MSA. Obviously I didn't get either of those lol.)

Speaking of MSA...
I don't know.
Once upon a time that was a HUGE part of my life. Back in high school when I didn't have any friends, when I didn't know who I was.
But I have an awful memory...
The day of Alumni Day this year I was idly logged onto facebook chat while passing a lazy afternoon at the SS Badass, the day after a certain ATO party. Someone I had met at MSA imed me and was like, hey, we should go to this next year. And I was like I don't care, I don't remember MSA.
For one reason or another I kept thinking about MSA more and more as the summer progressed. Digging for my journal from the time, straining to remember anything about my classes and the people. Meanwhile I was kept being encouraged to do alumni stuff next year until I was finally like, okay, okay, we'll go lol.
Then because of whatever happened I somehow ended up kind of mad at MSA lol. Logical, I know. And then, come to find out, there's a huge 25th-anniversary bash this year...thank you, cosmic irony. At first I was like, whatever, I don't care, I'm not going, but now I think--if I am still in the area--I will...