I think I've (subconsciously!) convinced myself that my life with this big hole in it is a dream, and that any minute I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I'll be living the holiday bustle I'd planned; the wheels will be spinning toward the future I'd planned; I'll be happy, like I planned. Things will be like they were, only better. And these months of emptiness won't be anything at all.

And can you blame me? It happened once before. i.e. after months of separation things got back like they were, only better.

I thought I'd decided to let it go. And I truthfully believe that I did--I just managed to grab back on at the last second.

hmm.

Things will be better once the new year has passed...

littlest things

in a weird place still, today. over the moon for [x]. I found myself trying to list reasons I should marry him, reasons we should be together long-term. the little things.

our chemistry was incredible. he doesn't drink. he's fine not having pets. he knows how to do/fix just about everything around the house, with a car, with a computer. he lives frugally. he understood the TS side of me, the side I hate to let anyone see. we had amazing rapport, and our senses of humor matched pretty well. his IQ was near mine, lol.

soooo many "pros!" how is that not enough? I guess all that shows we're compatible, and he'd be useful to keep around, but none of those things are "forever"-strength glue. things like shared beliefs, or shared dreams of the future. :\ the list above would last us a while, but without the backbone of dreams and beliefs, there'd be an endpoint. it would be finite.

Mom says now I know what to look for, and the right person will have all those pros plus the other things I need. but, every detail? the no booze, no pets? the disability? seems like a tall order.

note: from my journal, the day last week I couldn't write a sonnet. I don't know if I'm sad for realz or if I'm just mopey because I was mopey over t-giving last year and I tend to retrace my steps. 2 months out. I don't feel like I think about him a lot lot...well...relatively...

Blogging in couplets

(muahaha to blogging in couplets. getting old yet? ;) )

Grieving again, except this time it's real.

I really can't figure out what I should feel.

We don't have what it takes to last fifty years--

I need to accept it in spite of my tears.

Rock bottom, I gave him a shot at what-if

he ignored it, 'though I reckon that he got my drift.

The difference between nostalgia and not-letting-go,

I couldn't figure out a year ago.

Accept it and move on...

accept it and move on.

there's no future for me down this road.

there's a greater story to be told.

I'm just so damn stubborn, I'm sure you all know.

once I decide something I can't let it go.

I'd made up my mind, no questions, no fuss.

What do I do when it's all in the dust?

"Just between you and me, getting older and more responsible is kind of horrible sometimes."

healing process

I haven't cried in 6 days.

But, I all but had an anxiety attack this afternoon. That was unusual.

so.

you win some, you lose some. i guess?

Recap

It's ironic, isn't it, that I spent my summer in love and so happy yet the only record of it here is the angsty buildup and now the tearful conclusion.

Why didn't I write?

(Hell, I barely wrote in my journal. I spent every second of spare-time-to-myself TALKING to him.)

But, let's see.
I didn't want to jinx it.
I never wanted to make a big deal out of it.
I didn't want to sound sappy.

I wish I'd written. Except for the Big Issue That Broke Us Up, which was pretty easily avoided (until it wasn't anymore), we were so happy.

We'd worked out the kinks of long-distance.
We talked soooo much.
He knew everything about my present-day life and was beginning to learn about my past, the things I thought I'd never tell a suitor.
He was starting to pick up on when my attention span was shot and I needed a change of pace. I could tell when he needed to be Aspergery for a while and tell me every detail about something, and even though I'd tease him, I loved it.
He indulged my whims (roller skating! ice cream every day!) and treated me like a princess. I made him breakfast in bed and sent him letters, trying to take care of him, too.
We played board games and he didn't get pissy when I turned into an evil, competitive, trash-talking superbitch.
I squeezed his hand as we confronted one of his biggest fears (an actual place, not anything metaphorical, lol). He'd hold me tight when I was feeling anxious.
I dreamed about spending the holidays with him, spending time with him and my family, spending time with him and my friends. And HIS family, and HIS friends.

I dreamed about spending much more than that with him.

I just never stopped to make sure it was his dream, too.

"Maybe we can be friends someday. It'll just take time."
"'Friends' seems kinda lame after...this."

Foreshadowing

Second weekend together with her new long-distance beau. They embrace on the couch in a borrowed living room. Her new favorite album, the soundtrack to her summer, fills the air. She teasingly sings along from time to time. In the middle of summer. He smiles silently.

Until the last track. He sings, I don't love you, I'm just passing the time.

He breaks up with her first thing in the morning.

6 months out

I never thought my willpower would last this whole time. I figured I'd cave at some point and eff everything up all over again--but feel so good (SO good) for those fleeting moments!

I mean, it's good that that didn't happen, because then I'd never EVER get over it...

I feel like I need a reward of some sort, lol. Because I honestly just always kinda figured that it would happen again sometime. And despite me even almost-trying over Thanksgiving, I've been quite well-behaved. Not self-destructive on any real level, beyond wallowing in drama from time to time, lol. And the natural consequences of being responsible are SO BORING lol.

I wish the wrong decision could've been right. It just would've made things so much EASIER.

But, I mean, I guess there's something better "out there." small consolation.

you gave me roses, and i left them there to die

Currently playing

i feel so untouched
and i want you so much
that i just can't resist you
it's not enough to say that i miss you
i feel so untouched right now
need you so much somehow
i can't forget you
been going crazy from the moment i met you

"Untouched," The Veronicas

I know it's not fair for me to feel like this. To feel like a victim. Ending it was my decision, and I know it was the right one.
The fact that I had to end it, though, seems very unfair, even this far out--apart longer than we were together.
I've heard (arbitrarily I am sure) that it takes twice as long as you were together to get over somebody. Will I last another three months? I don't trust myself too fully...

moment of weakness

3 months later, and what do I do?
I make a playlist.
I mean--
there are worse things I could do. (although THAT song's not on the playlist.)

it is, if nothing else, entertainingly genre-boggling! (which is why I'm sharing it!)
I now present:

November Nostalgia

1. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece--I'm complete

2. Kansas City - Sneaky Sound System
somebody in Kansas City loves me

3. Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris
if you fall for me, I'm not easy to please

4. Honey - The Hush Sound
you are my loooooooove, you are my love [very precise spelling]

5. No One Else on Earth - Wynonna Judd
how did you get to me? . . . no one could love me like you

6. Hurricane - The Hush Sound
you're the finest thing that I've done, the hurricane I'll never outrun

7. When the Day Met the Night - Panic at the Disco
he was just hanging around and he fell in love, in the middle of summer

8. Little Miss Obsessive - Ashlee Simpson
then I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it

9. ...Baby One More Time - Britney Spears
my loneliness is killing me, I must confess I still believe

10. Get Back - Demi Lovato
I wanna get back to the old days when the phone would ring and I knew it was you

11. Gotta Go My Own Way - High School Musical 2
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand

12. Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you

13. Do it Again - The Beach Boys
I've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we surfed and danced and all the faces we miss so let's get back together and do it again


Don't worry, Friends-who-care-about-me. My heart wants to. My body certainly wants to. My head even presents a pretty good case. But whatever part of me is above all of that knows it can't happen and won't let it happen.

Bathroom mirror

She stares herself down. Cheeks flushed from drinking. Hair loosely pulled back, tendrils curling behind her ears. T-shirt clinging in all the right places. Lips full and fresh and not pointed upward. Eyes so beautiful but so, so sad. "I'm so pretty," she thinks. "Shouldn't there be someone to appreciate it?"

She'd given up on her first love out of a vague feeling of it not being "right." She had yet to stop feeling regret for her choice. How vain is it to decide another person's life without even providing a reason?

She acknowledges that she is probably overreacting. The relationship hadn't even lasted the summer; how could it be a Big Deal? It's sad when a 3-year relationship ends, but 3 months? It's not supposed to be the end of the world.

She blinks, the thick outlines of her eyes jumping back into place. She hadn't meant to fall in love until it was right - the person she would spend the rest of her life with. What can she trust if her own judgment will so quickly fail her?

She bites her lip, hand on the doorknob. One last searching gaze yields no further answers.

Different

Different.

I'd done it before, but with him it was different.

I didn't realize how different.

It wasn't just that it was way better (although that was much appreciated),

It...it was everything they ever tell you

All that stuff about two becoming one. About giving the person a piece of you. About being tied to the person forever. The flings weren't like that.

But this was different.

Different.

And I can't shake it.

My body yearns for it. I'm pulled like a magnet. I've never wanted something so badly.

I know I can't. I'm a smart girl.

But it's a hole I can't fill. (And not in the dirty, literal sense, because that one CAN be filled, and I don't think it would HELP. What I'm feeling is not as simple as being horny.)

Every inch of me screams out for it.

Different.

Lesson learned: this is why you're supposed to wait.

Trifling

I grew up on Disney movies, and came of age with musicals.* Do you have any idea how much it kills me to learn that it's possible that love isn't enough? That love won't conquer all, that being in love doesn't cause a "happily ever after," that two people can love each other very much and still not be right together?

love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!
-please, don't start that again.

*yeah Moulin Rouge more than anything to be honest, but a little Broadway romance here and there.

No regrets, just love

I miss the feelings.

Endorphins. Oxytocin. You know.

I don't know that I miss him.

It starts in my toes...

I'm being haunted the song "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. How else do you explain it?

Background: the song's a good two or three years old, and not anything I'd ever actually LISTENED to. My roommates spring of junior year, the music therapy girls, would play it on their guitars from time to time, and that was really my only exposure to it--their nervous chattering of "tee hee it's actually about an ORGASM," all that. I didn't really care. Not really my type of music--a little too mellow, a lot too lovey-dovey.

Story: A couple weeks ago my car cd player broke, so I've been listening to the radio on drives too short to bust out the iPod. Meanwhile, two weekends ago I ended things with my first serious boyfriend. Two or three days after that all occurred, "Bubbly" came on the radio just as I turned on my car to drive to work. I listened to it out of curiosity--as I said, all I knew was the "tee hee, orgasm" thing--and, WOW, it was depressing.

the rain is falling on my window pane
but we are hiding in a safer place
under covers staying dry and warm
you give me feelings that I adore

'cause, like, the first night we were together that weekend, before I knew that I had to end it, it was all stormy...and we didn't leave the bed his apartment...

About a week later (also known as a few days ago), the song came on AGAIN on my drive to work. Here's how it went: I listened to the intro, was reminded of "Bubbly," but thought, "noooo, as old as that song is, there's no way they're playing it at the exact same time two times in a week!", but, yeah, no, that was it. I switched stations and didn't give it another thought...

...Until today. I was listening to that same station (the main Top 40 station), and they were playing Taylor Swift, so I switched to my backup station. The backup station--how do I describe it? I always think it's alternative until I hear them playing Katy Perry or Christina Aguilera, but it's not exactly Top 40. Anyhow--THE BACKUP STATION WAS PLAYING "BUBBLY." I actually shouted, "are you fucking kidding me???" and switched back to Taylor Swift.

I mean, I honestly don't think I'd ever heard the song all the way through before (except for Carrie and Kristen's virginal renditions). And to hear it on the radio across stations 3 times in like 10 days? When I listen to the radio for 10 minutes a day, tops? And that this happened right after I'd ended actually being in a place where I could actually appreciate something that happy and sappy.

lol...

Puzzling

So, does this summer's crop of girly pop feature more metaphorical references to puzzle pieces than usual, or is it just that I am more sensitive to these references now that I can't escape autism in any aspect of my life? (Puzzle pieces are a symbol for autism awareness.)

Miranda Cosgrove:
when I'm kissing you my senses come alive, almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find falls right into place, you're all that it takes...

and Katy Perry:
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece; I'm complete

And how does it fit into this that for the last three months, my mom and brother have been working on a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle, and on multiple occasions while waiting for a late date I sat down to work on the puzzle, and never once found a piece that connected?

Never...

I guess I should have seen it coming.

Mom and Dad

Breakup advice from my mom:
"It's like a physical wound. You have to go through the healing process; it takes time. Think of it like a broken leg. And you haven't even had the cast set; you're still waiting at the emergency room."
"But I don't want to be with anyone else!"
"Well, of course not. You're not thinking about going running when your leg just broke, because it hurts."

Breakup advice from my dad:
"Geeze, don't call him! There's no need to put HIM through your emotional roller coaster."

*sigh.*

I do have awesome parents...

Inventory

Sore collarbone, shoulder, chin, flaring in pain with every well-meaning embrace.
Almost-invisible fingerprint bruises tracing up my arms and all the way down my legs.
Legs aching with every step away.

Not everything will fade so quickly.

How do I fall out of love?