Little Miss Obsessive

a little bit possessive, Little Miss Obsessive, can't get over it

I know I'm in poor shape when the song in my head is Ashlee Simpson.

but seriously, what's wrong with me?

I'm ready for my respression drive to kick in. I want this out of my head.

Try to remember...

Usually I have an over-active repression reflex. It's not anything I do consciously; I have a bad memory in the first place, and some things it's just easier not to think about.
-I have to work pretty hard to remember an awkward but not at all traumatizing date from last month.
-Nothing out of the ordinary happened in September, that's for sure (what Josh? I know no Josh).
-And this talk of the Irish Guy? That's a dream I only remember because I jotted down a summary right after I woke up.

So why does every detail of last summer play constantly in my head?

It would be so much easier if I just forgot.

7-23

So all day at work when I was recording the date (which I do a lot lol), I kept thinking, 7-23, 7-23, why does this date sound so familiar? I was like, is it somebody's birthday? What am I forgetting? Then I got it. It was just because 7-23 last year was such a huge day in my memory, a day for which I'd been gearing up for months. It started out simply enough, hanging out with my best girl Carly, but then I saw the Hush Sound with a couple of my favorite people and it was such a lovely evening. Definitely my best concert experience. And then schmoozing with the bands afterward: "Zac" approaching me, Bob hitting [on] Caitlin, me drooling over Greta's hair.

And then I went home and.........[previous post in mind].........did not sleep a wink before departing for Colorado the next morning.

loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
you always let me down

Good night to 7-23. This makes it seventeen days.

Oh yeah, and after that post yesterday, let me tell you, I had one HELL of a dream last night, hahaha...

Memory

and he said, would it be all right if we just sat and talked for a little while, if in exchange for your time i give you this smile?

Things I never remember:
the majority of the spring 2008 semester
my June visit to Kirksville last year
volunteering at Love INC last summer
volunteering at Rainbow Network in...spring 07?
MSA
how I ditched my friends for the latter chunk of last summer
the aftermath of the party in April
how much better puppy love feels than cynical lust

and she said, that's okay, as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart, and leave me all alone in the summer

read my life like a book

come to me baby, please fulfill my wish
show it to me truly, show me with a kiss

Oh my god, so, I have figured out why I have taken to Aqua so much lately. I mean, within the last week or so, I just listen to Aqua a LOT. It's weird. I mean, songs that had zero play counts on my itunes. Not "Barbie Girl," thank you, that song is a little TMTH even for me, but, idk, "Roses are Red," "Calling You," "My Oh My." ("Dr. Jones" is an exception of sorts--I have been listening to it lately but it has always been on my guilty pleasure playlists, so it is not a rediscovery.) And I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, yeah, lately I REALLY like songs with a good beat, something danceable, but there is BETTER music of the sort available than Aqua. I mean, for god's sake, the lyrics are AWFUL. But I think I've finally put my finger on it.

I listened to Aqua in fifth grade. It brings back distinct memories of hanging out at Latchkey (the public school-facilitated childcare) with that bitch Shara and with Noah, whom I adored. I was ten years old and innocent as could be. All the more I knew about boys was that Noah was really cute and, oh my god, on Halloween we sat in an overstuffed chair together (pre-cuddling?) while we watched Hocus Pocus. I also probably had a huge crush on Jason at that time, and maybe (maybe?) Joe. But nonetheless, boys and all that they involve were completely abstract to me. There were a couple of "couples" in my fifth grade class (Drew G and Laurel P, Mike W and Hannah S), I don't know what they did as couples, went roller skating or to Worlds of Fun or that kind of thing, but, eh. I was boy-crazy in the standard tweenie sense of OH MY GOD ZAC HANSON, but I had no idea about the reality of relationships. Crushes on boys I did know were really no different than celebrity crushes; I kind of adored from afar, would have never dreamed of acting upon anything.

The thing is, though, that I never outgrew this.

I never had a boyfriend, I only barely dated (ergh). I don't know why. I just never developed the mental framework, the mindset, necessary to not only be in a relationship, but to even consider one. Throughout my lonely years of high school I pined for a boyfriend but I would not have known how to actually be a girlfriend. I mean, the one guy I had a huge crush on for years and years, if he had actually asked me out or something...? I mean, I can't even, never could, imagine it happening. Visualize it. I just didn't have the framework for it.

So, fast forward, a ways into college, I finally have some really, really good girlfriends and I'm not lonely anymore. I start thinking about how strange it is that I am such a nun. Obviously there's something wrong with me: I'm not pretty enough, I'm too weird. I no longer lack companionship and love but weird things are going on with my self-esteem nonetheless.

Meanwhile,
-I study abroad and explore my independence, relishing the adventures with Lindsey and the adventures I undertake alone.
-I witness my girlfriends who seemed so happy in their relationships betrayed and damaged by assholes and I have no idea how to help them.
-I start drinking, finally shedding the black-and-white moral code I clung to as a child.
-I think. I realize that the Bible does not contain a usable baseline morality for my own life. I don't pray, but I think.
-I familiarize myself with feminism and am able to recognize double standards, and am extremely pissed off by them.

In the past year I have finally learned some things about the realities of men and women and the interactions between them. I have lost my Disney fairy-tale expectations of being swept off my feet and eternally adored. I still have no idea of how to be in a successful relationship, but I...understand...a lot that used to be a mystery.

I am no longer innocent. But this is absolutely brand-new to me and I still do not how to put all the pieces together; meme the children's choir teacher, meme the intellectual, meme the friend, meme the lush, meme the slut.

In fifth grade I was perfectly innocent but dazzled by boys. I listened to music like Aqua, which is catchy as hell but fairly dirty (without being explicit). It was a paradox but my soundtrack nonetheless. Now, twice as far down my road in life, I find myself in a rather more complicated but similar paradox. I go to church twice a week, I'm a role model to children, I would probably most often be categorized as a "good person"...but my morals...are gone.

If I was a character in a book, I would say that I was using the music to make my dilemma seem more simple, to hearken back to my innocence while still acknowledging that something is going on. To try to reclaim the vague, abstract perception of boys and sex. Am I allowed to perform literary analysis on myself?

Or is it simply that the music is catchy as hell?

i don't wanna waste my time on simple little things
i'd rather stay here overnight with happy boys who sing
come on let's go get it on, everybody let's go have some fun

Can you read my mind?

I don't know. I feel like I should have something to say. I am not sure that I actually do.

I've been living the last couple weeks thinking (on an obviously subconscious level) that it was actually the end of the summer, like, as far as my relationships and interactions with friends and family go. I know that doesn't make any sense. But whenever someone would mention some time point of reference I would catch myself thinking it was August...despite, yes, obviously it's ridiculously cold out. I never said this was a logical situation.

I have an awful memory. I always have. But on top of that, my mind is overactive when it comes to forgetting the negative...I can't tell if it's suppression or repression, but, I know I hardcore do it. My general rule for my basic bad memory is that I have about a year's worth of long-term memory, and after a year passes I only have vague recollections of certain anecdotes, rather than remembering my life as a whole. But that's not true right now; I remember NOTHING of the Spring 2008 semester. I...yeah. One day stands out (as living in infamy? perhaps. lol) but the semester as a whole...I'm like, what, I didn't live with Ashley? I took yoga??? I took a Spanish class, didn't I, maybe? I...whatever I did? It's really unnerving. Oh, but then, I just bought some lotion that I last used last winter and the smell of it is bringing up, just, a sense for my room last year, my roommates last year, stuff I don't remember at all.

*shrug.*

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is the concept of "home." I am not so sure I have a home right now. I don't say this to be emo, I just, lol I don't know if you know this about me but I think a lot. My parents' house ceased to be my home last summer. *shudder.* And here? These girls are just as much my family, but, it's hard to use a word like "home" when I'm only gonna be here a couple months...
Home is raiding the refrigerator and playing board games with Caitlin, Bethany, and Danny in the middle of the night.
Home is swinging with any of my girls when we're blue, sometimes even in January.
Home is falling asleep on the couch Latesa's bed with Ashley and Lindsey.
Home is making funny noises, funny faces, singing randomly, and not only not-being-judged, but being joined.
Home is a backrub, holding hair, and wisecracks for each other when we're sick.
Home is where we can best make fun of each other because we know each other so completely.
Home is where we don't need to finish sentences to communicate.
Home is where the heart is, they say--
So my home isn't a place. L-town, ehh. Springtown, ehh.
My home is Caitlin, Ashley, Lindsey, Latesa, Bethany. I don't know what that means for May...I mean, hell, I don't really know what it means for now. Because I can't have you all at the same time!! <3