I think I've (subconsciously!) convinced myself that my life with this big hole in it is a dream, and that any minute I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I'll be living the holiday bustle I'd planned; the wheels will be spinning toward the future I'd planned; I'll be happy, like I planned. Things will be like they were, only better. And these months of emptiness won't be anything at all.

And can you blame me? It happened once before. i.e. after months of separation things got back like they were, only better.

I thought I'd decided to let it go. And I truthfully believe that I did--I just managed to grab back on at the last second.

hmm.

Things will be better once the new year has passed...

Pre-new year profundity

2008: first kiss
2009: first time
2010: first love

what on EARTH do I have coming next year?? ;)

Life Decisions

A. I typically end up where I'm supposed to be. You could call it intuition--I tend to not give myself quite that much credit. To use the language I grew up with, the framework I don't know how to discard, I always end up where God wants me. Example: in the back of my mind, I always knew I was meant to be a teacher, and here I am.

B. I am also very stubborn. Once I decide something, I can't rest until I follow through.* Example: I was determined that I didn't want to be a teacher. I didn't study education. I turned down a pretty significant scholarship offer in high school because it was for education majors. But what happened as college graduation approached? That final semester, too late to change my major, I finally admitted that my passion lay in teaching.

A. But I landed my wonderful, perfect-for-me job, through a barely-friend-of-a-friend. And I stayed in Springfield; THAT one I hadn't seen coming. And stuff about getting my teacher certification post-grad fell through, so I stayed and got promoted at my job. And I know that that was exactly what I needed to do at that time. Where I was supposed to be.

It's an A-B-A sequence. I know some Truth about myself in the back of my head, maybe even below a conscious level. I deny it because it's not what I want at the moment, and I pursue whatever it is I do want. But then it just doesn't work out and I end up at square 1, only this time I realize that that's what I really needed.

The problem is that both A and B are very strong; I often can't tell the difference between them until B goes south. My intuition (A) might be screaming at me to change my ways, but my stubbornness (B) yells back, embracing whatever it is that I'm trying to do.

This is where I lose agency. What I'm told to do is "leave it in God's hands." Wait for Him to "close a door" to direct me to the right path. And honestly, there are decisions where that's the only thing to do. Wait it out and eventually Decision B will show itself to be unhealthy.

All that to say: I don't know what to do...

*I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just a little quirk, or if it's a really complicated tic. It feels exactly like a tic. I have the urge, urge, urge, and I can't get it out of my head until I release it through taking action. Or I just go ahead and do the action before I have a chance to think about it and to be aware of the urge.

How crazy do I sound now? lol.

Life Goals

So I've always had a list of ridiculous life goals in the back of my mind. This was inspired by Caitlin's list that was composed in the back of scholar bowl practice. I've never written mine out, though--so here's a start. I know there's a lot I'm forgetting...

-pop out of a cake.
-somehow be in Jesus Christ Superstar...pretty sure I missed my chance for that but oh well lol
-sing karaoke to "You Oughta Know"
-Titanic-style handprint on a window
-read Harry Potter en espanol

well that list is really short, and has already been partially tackled. (I read Sorcerer's Stone in Spanish, but Chamber of Secrets and Half-blood Prince both proved too much, lol.) But still. I wanted to have it in writing. hahaha

the latest incarnation of "the plan."

No more MSU for me. They don't have a severe special ed program, and my classroom can in no way, shape, or form be squinted at enough to look like mild/moderate. Actually, it turns out that nobody offers a SDD (severe developmental disorders) masters or certification. Something about how districts will hire ya for an SDD position with a mild/moderate certificate. I guess having a teaching position prior to certification is kind of unusual, lolll. (I don't have a teaching position yet--that'll be sometime around December 12, when a teacher is due to squeeze one out.) But, yeah. I was telling my principal that I was kind of stuck and she suggested a new option. I am going to pursue Applied Behavior Analysis certification. ABA is the underlying methodology of our entire autism program. That certification would be more valuable to me in working with autism (here or wherever the wind blows me) than a token teaching certificate that doesn't really help with my group of kids. So, yup yup. I'm gonna take the fall semester off (um, although I haven't thought about insurance-type stuff yet...shit), just so I can focus on training for and then starting my new position, and hopefully start classes in the spring.

Also, I "decided" yesterday that once I finish whatever post-baccalaureate coursework I'm gonna do, I will buy myself a car as a reward/because I will then have money freed up from not paying tuition. LOL. I love my car, she's served me well, I've always planned to use it until it dies, but I rode with another teacher yesterday to a field trip and her car's just so damn FANCY. hahahaha. I want a Camry hybrid...do they still make those? Maybe by that point, years from now, they'll be marketing plug-in hybrids. mmmm.

In other news, it's my two-week break, hooray!!! Much sleeping in and laying out is in my immediate future. Um, and studying for my psych final...heh. And then headin' north, yay!

love

I. love. my. job.

I can't imagine doing anything else with my life...

My position isn't exactly enough to live on long-term. But if we buy that other building and make it autism-only...we'd need more teachers, surely? I could be a teacher?

Because right now the prospect of secondary English provokes the following reaction in me: "meh." I mean, it would be fine. But I don't think it would be nearly as satisfying as what I do now. I don't think there's as much love in that line of work. And maybe that's selfish of me. But I love my kids with all my heart. It's not the same thing I have with Carly, but it's similar. I don't know if I have it in me do love the hundred-something teenagers I would have at a time.

Hmm. Maybe I should figure out if MSU has a certification/master's concurrent program for special ed.

Summertime

I'm about at the end of my summer vacation. My school is year-round, and we're currently on a two-week break, and I'm starting classes at MSU next week, so, yeah, the last week of takin' it easy was all I'll get. I spent some quality time in L-town with C and B and my family, I've been trying to finish decorating my bedroom, and I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (except in Spanish this time). I spent a good chunk of yesterday figuring out MSU stuff, which proved a lot more complicated than I had anticipated.

I will be doing, drumroll, the Master's of Arts in Teaching program, with certification in Secondary English. Not exactly what I had anticipated but it will be a lot easier and less time-consuming than earning elementary certification; plus I get a Master's out of it, y'know? And I will be certified in English for grades 5-9 and 9-12; at that point, I was told, I can take the elementary Praxis test and can probably get hired for fourth or fifth grade (which is what I ultimately want, for now).

The program will take me three years. For this first year, I've got my day job (which, by the way, I LOVE) and will do online and night classes (starting with two online next week). Then I'll start the MAT program hardcore, with an intensive summer educational workshop next year (which will mark the end of my time with my kiddos :[ ); after that I can start teaching in my own secondary language arts classroom. After one year of teaching (and the accompanying MSU-work) I will be certified; after a second year I will have my Master's. May 2012.

Cool.

Never saw myself staying in the 'field for three more years but there ya go. I'm SO excited about the prospect of earning my Master's, and finally getting into a classroom. :) I can be a real teacher in a year.

In other news, I love the New Yorker.

I think that's all for now.

better

Hey, so, I have a job! :) I'm going to be a full time teacher's aide at a private, year-round school for special needs kids. I'll be working with children with autism, specifically. I am SO EXCITED.

Just a month ago I was so terrified of graduation. Now I've wrapped up my coursework (with a 4.0 for the semester, I think!), I have a plan for the immediate future, and I can't wait to see where it takes me. :)

staying

It's kind of like how in junior year of high school I'd proclaim far and wide that, "IF I go to school in Missouri, it'll be at MU." And then ended up here.

Sometimes the right decision isn't nearly so drastic...yet is so much more perfect than I could have ever imagined.

The obvious huge benefits of staying include:
-Being a teacher, YAY
-Not losing my "home" for at least another year
-Not being far from my hometown and the people I love there

I keep thinking of smaller consequences of staying, too:
-I can go to Brett and Micah's wedding
-I can go to the Sherman Alexie convo next year, omg!
-I don't have an excuse to NOT attend MSA 25th-anniversary festivities...

On a different note, for English senior sem we have to write a narrative paper about either our "intellectual autobiography" (what books, etc have shaped the way we think) or how we've changed throughout our college educations (in terms of values and beliefs: intellectual, personal, spiritual, political). I'm definitely doing the latter and I am SOOOO excited about it. I kept jotting down notes during class yesterday and I honestly don't know how I'll fit it all in. I am so excited. Other than no one else would speak up and attest to a similar transformation...oh well, I can be the black sheep I suppose.
I think I'm gonna open my paper with,

Things have changed for me,
and that's okay,
I feel the same,
I'm on my way...

a man, a plan, a canal: panama!

Okay, actually the only part of the title I care about is the "plan." Here it is (grin!):

I am enrolling in classes at Missouri State University to earn teacher certification.
I am living in a beautiful apartment with two of my best friends.

Financing the plan TBD, but I am soooooooo excited! About the specific plans, and about HAVING PLANS itself, omg. It's about time, haha.

I'm gonna be a teacher! :D
And I don't have to leave Ashley and Lindsey! :D
And our new home is soooo nice! :)

it's all been done

It's hard for me to think of anything to write. I feel like in the three months of this blag I've said the same thing over and over. And in two weeks I'm gonna recap it all, anyway (April 27 is gonna be an EPIC post, I'm just sayin', ahaha). What can I say? To quote Ecclesiastes, there is nothing new under the sun...or to quote BNL, it's all been done.

Joseph Campbell, one of the foundations of my big research paper. He equates every story from every culture throughout all of human history. Every culture tells the same story because every person can relate to it because it is his or her own life on a more significant level. (This inspired an existential crisis in me sometime last fall, heh.)

If so much of individual existence is the same, the same, the same, where does the individual find his or her meaning?

I can't answer that question. But, I mean, it doesn't matter if the shit I'm going through, millions of people have gone through before; it's new to ME. All I am is my mind, my personality, my consciousness. THAT is what matters. Cogito ergo sum. 'Tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The way I perceive the world, my experiences--even if my experiences are nothing novel, the way I perceive them is 100% unique.

And so what?

I don't know.

One of my professors said the key to bringing about social change, to ending racism, to ending oppression, is a life of the mind. To read, to be aware, to be able to relate and consider and maybe, just maybe, understand. This really struck me.

I don't have any answers, but I'm okay with that for now.

i don't get marriage.

what's so special about a relationship that happens to involve sex that two people get to commit to love each other for the rest of their lives? why is it okay for friendships to slowly fade across distance but it's the end of the world when it's romance? what i mean to say is, i care more strongly about my girlfriends than i can EVER really imagine caring about some dumbass guy. why isn't there a way to commit to love each other forever, to perform the necessary maintenance on the relationship, to be heartbroken when we're apart...? i mean, yeah, it's a lot more logistically difficult when you think of more than just two people, obviously five people have to go their separate ways i guess, but...idk. i'd rather be married to caitlin lindsey ashley latesa, in the sense of commitment and love and putting effort into the relationships and cohabitation, and just use guys for physical needs without getting emotionally attached.

won't worry my life away

I didn't want that to be the top of my blog anymore.

What else do I have to say, though?

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself...

In the meantime, it's nearly spring break!

maybe you were all faster than me

so i can close that chapter. i am so relieved. i won't be ready for that kind of responsibility for a very long time. and yet, in pondering worst-case scenarios, the sense of direction it would have given my life was actually pretty appealing. i don't know what i'm living for; in that case, i would have. you know? not that i WANT to be in that situation. let me be clear, i DON'T, and i am soooo glad i'm not. but it just helped me think some stuff through.

like permanence.
in my life, when i graduate, there will be nothing permanent. but in a GOOD way. i don't have to decide the rest of my life when they hand me the diploma. this is something i knew abstractly, but after considering worst-case scenarios, you know, i think i'm more comfortable with it. i don't need to get my dream job right away; i need to get *a* job right away, make enough money to pay the rent, and maybe enjoy myself a little, i AM just a kid. why not go someplace completely new, use my savings to put a deposit on an apartment, and then find a job? i think i'd be rather more motivated in that kind of situation than from sitting at my computer at my parents' house. and, god, i'd be living, even if i was eating nothing but ramen and sleeping on the floor. my parents' house (which they wouldn't let me stay there for more than MAYBE the summer, anyway) may have a comfy bed and plenty of food, but it holds me down. i don't have the liberty to LIVE in liberty, to explore and force myself to be independent and to learn and to break free.

i mean, when i stop and consider when i have been most at peace with me, the moments in which i was nothing more or less than me, without acting according to others' expectations...london london london. far away from years of routine, far away from the structures i'm used to, far away from people who will do things for me when i don't want to, far away from everything i know (except for one of my best friends!!!).
and i was incredibly homesick and missed the people i loved. but i learned so much about myself.

i think that's what i need to do in may. well not london obviously. but somewhere not missouri...

i'm sure my mind is a lot clearer than it would have been had i gotten bad news but it might be TOO clear; i don't think i can write. four days...but i do have Tuesday Night Marie Time in the meantime...

maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
those funny little things we never mean
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go, and i will not be back here again...

un premio de consolacion

Had a good day in English today. I've spent a lot of time and energy resenting that class for a variety of reasons but I loved it today, the discussion and the energy. It really helped my spirits, something that class has never done before, lol. I'm going through a lot of stress and suspense right now but I was able to find peace in literature, in thinking. I'm sure it won't last too long but I feel so much better than I did. I mean, no matter what happens...I know I'll be okay. I mean, I've never really had a plan for after college anyway, so how could one detail or another drastically alter my -nonexistent- plans?

I found myself wanting to talk about it today, not with my network of girlfriends who know the gory details already, but with...I used to have a guy friend, we weren't close at all, but every now and then we'd have a really personal conversation about what all was going on in our lives. And we had some really good insight for each other. And it was just good to have a guy's perspective.
But I don't have that anymore...

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
you always let me down

You know, I've had two different sets of plans to see Watchmen, plans that are no longer in the cards for various reasons. Maybe it's not meant to be. I'd meant to reread it before I saw the movie, anyway.

so emo!

I can feel myself getting sad again. I don't know if I've been doing better lately because of the higher dose of drugs or because of the psychological significance of a new year/new beginning, but whatever it is, it's wearing off.

There's so much pressure on us to have Life Figured Out. I guess college wasn't nearly as difficult as high school had prepared me to expect; perhaps real life will turn out similarly? I mean, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for not actively networking and SEARCHING on a daily basis (my father tells me as much whenever we happen to talk to each other). And I really don't deal well with rejection...not getting the internship I expected/really wanted last summer shut me down to the degree that I never even looked for anything else. But I can't afford to do that now, this isn't just a summer where I can piddle around; this is the rest of my life...but I can't be expected to make decisions about the rest of my life NOW!!!! Plus my parents won't let me live with them (and I don't WANT to, don't get me wrong), so there's that pressure to be able to afford living on my own IMMEDIATELY...argh.

I don't have very many friends but even so I can't manage to be a good friend to all of them at the same time. I don't know how to fix this...

I just wanna go back to bed and not think about anything. Today sucks, from the still-falling snow to the already endless homework to the cake pan I just can't get clean.

rawr.

ice ice baby

Umm, it's been icing for five hours...but at least classes for tomorrow have been cancelled already! Sleep in...read...work on not-ignoring-my-honors-project...you know.

Turns out Teach For America's not for me after all. Which is just as well, I was not looking forward to dealing with the improper capitalization for two years. The only problem is, that sounded so perfect, I am absolutely clueless as to my next step... :(

Please, please, please, please, pleeeeease can the power not go out? kthxbai

Good things:
-no class tomorrow
-talking to C
-C's exciting interviewing!
-Reeses' brownies
-making music with A and L...haha
-Aerie Sunday/Monday
-not having any drama myself to contribute to aerie chats :)

blaggity bloggity blah

Hmm. So, I've used xanga for years, but that's really the domain of whiny little emo kids...I suppose it's time for something a little more grown-up. I have been journaling regularly since midsummer; perhaps I can also have the discipline to blog. eh, we'll see. Plus, when better to try than the new year? Gosh, I can't even TELL you how excited I am to finally be rid of 2008.

Resolutions, as articulated on said xanga several days ago, and for original material, 3-days-in reflections:

-to read more: I read two chapters of Harry Potter today!
-to get a decent amount of sleep: yeah I went to bed at 4.
-to be nicer: ha, yeah, not gonna happen.
-to wish on stars: I never SEE the stars.
-to dance in the rain: entirely too cold for now.
-to make kisses meaningful and memorable: whatever.
-to be beautiful: well, shyeah.
-to not do things I know will hurt me: so far so good.
-to not be afraid of trying new things: I tried the chocolate martini Bee made me the other night?
-to appreciate my amazing friends and not let stupid things come between us: yeah!
-to be happy: tra la
-to let bygones be bygones: yeah burned that bridge so it's pretty much, bye, gone!
-to carpe diem: eh, I can seize tomorrow, I'm sleepy.
-to forget the past but not the lessons: *glaring*
-to help people: I offered to take a fussy baby at a funeral today to the nursery so the mom could be at the service? lol.
-to make the world a better place: hahaha, not to be cliche or anything.
-to go: yeah I don't really know what I mean by this either.

In other news, it was 60-something degrees out today; as such, Bee and I went swinging. Obviously. In the summer and early fall (basically until it got cold) I went swinging sooooo often...it's just an easy first step for something to do when I am, or one of my girlfriends is, sad, you know? But today, for me, it was more about enjoying the weather than about pumping out my disappointment. Hooray for warmth! I get so dang grouchy when it's cold, I think I have finally accepted that I really need to move someplace WARM when I graduate.

Peace out, home slices. Thanks for tuning in.
meme