Cliche

Year in review...?

I've been looking forward to this post all week but now I have nothing to say.

I'm giving up my vices
I'm going back, back to school
Eviction or not, this week's been so hot
That long as I've got you I know I'll be cool.
I couldn't crack the love code, dear,
'Til you made the lock on my heart explode!
It's gonna be a happy new year

I mean...
A lot happened
i guess

Depends on how you define that.

The biggest thing right now, actually, is rebuilding a bridge I thought for sure was toast. It's not much but it gives me hope--I don't even know what for. Just hope in general, I guess. That one can make a breakup as ugly as possible and still maybe be friends. I thought it was impossible. I guess it just takes a LOT of time.

And other things that happened this year?
so long ago
I'd just as soon not dwell on it.

I learned a lot.

(I guess just refer to this, lol.)

Pre-new year profundity

2008: first kiss
2009: first time
2010: first love

what on EARTH do I have coming next year?? ;)

2009

If I could describe 2009 in one year, it would be "serendipitous."

countdown

(I set this deadline for myself a couple weeks ago, but haven't written it down anywhere until now; maybe this'll keep me honest, heh.)

So I have 18 days left to purge myself of a lot of bitterness.

What happened to me wasn't that bad. It's not anyone's fault* that it occurred on the tail end of a major depressive episode [and probably prolonged it]. I don't have the right to be so bitter toward a person when it was my own brain-chemical imbalances that were causing the bulk of the pain.

But, hooray! 18 days until I can listen to the hush sound, to panic at the disco, to MY FAVORITE MUSIC, without longing for what never could have been. 18 days until remembering the best experience of my high school years (MSA) doesn't make me cranky. 18 days until Batman Whatever-the-Joker-movie-is-called doesn't piss me off. 18 days until I no longer just kind of glare whenever I hear the name "West Plains."

18 days until I can read the chunk asterisked above without a bunch of bitter, snide remarks running through my head...

The whole "trusting men ever again" thing will take longer, because that wasn't his sole doing. But maybe this is a step down that road? I mean, not that that's even a road I WANT to go down, ever, necessarily...

oh it is my birthday

Token reflection-y post. So. 21 was officially my year of CRAZINESS. How now, 22?

Last year I rang in my birthday for a week (most of which with Caitlin!), starting with seeing Wicked, a show I didn't even really like at that point, on the 24th, and concluding with passing out at a concert and ruining everyone's night on June 1. With plenty of best friends, boys, and booze in between. Actually not so much plenty of boys, just too much focus on one who didn't deserve it.

Birthday week last year included:
learning to ride a bike
cider and vodka in andrea's basement
metro station
filming a music video (alex eating a beanie baby?)
video games
swinging
the blue skirt all week long
bar-hopping in l-town
discovering the power and light district
the "awkward party" that more than lived up to its name
alcoholic bubble tea
kansas
spooning linz on r's bed
lots of mexican food but only one margarita (it was banana!)
a day to myself to catch up a little while my friends were at a big concert
my third-ever journey to kirksville; the first of four rather monumental visits of the summer
so, so, so much awkwardness
sitting bitch between r and kent
lookin' hott at "skankalicious" birthday party
embarrassing myself at said party
playing with a dog
not sleeping; just sipping water while "thx fr th mmrs" blasted in my head. all night.
early morning on the porch with the bubble machine, and eventually with caitlin.
etc.

birthday festivities this year:
going out saturday night.
i had a tasty beverage this afternoon.
going out for caitlin's birthday friday night.

Birthday 2009 sounds much more manageable, don't you think?

words

Summer morning and I forget it's only April.
I walk to class automatically,
Almost expecting to see Carly.
Perfect weather soon yields to sticky lethargy,
But in the meantime...

Seasons echo the cycles of my own life.
I'm not the girl I was last spring:
Naive, idealistic, wanting, needing.
I'm not the woman I was last summer:
Needing, desperate, clinging, betrayed.
I'm not even the person I was three weeks ago...

Regrets?
Not really...
I feel so much more genuinely me,
That perhaps it was worth the pain.
I've learned so much more in the last twelve months
Than in the twenty years before them.

I know I can't keep living like this.
It's not, well, sustainable,
To use our favorite catchphrase.
Already there have been calls far too close.

Yet I don't know what else there is.

Before this door of my personality was opened,
Flirty, sexy, confident, fun,
I...I could feel the void?

I don't want to close the door and reclaim that boring-ness...



(NB: I think this is prose, just spaced out to more clearly show my thought process. It's been the English Symposium this week and I've had to go to readings and stuff...I wish I could do creative writing, but I just don't think I have the discipline...)


on a cloudy day it's more common than you think
he's my first mistake

so emo!

I can feel myself getting sad again. I don't know if I've been doing better lately because of the higher dose of drugs or because of the psychological significance of a new year/new beginning, but whatever it is, it's wearing off.

There's so much pressure on us to have Life Figured Out. I guess college wasn't nearly as difficult as high school had prepared me to expect; perhaps real life will turn out similarly? I mean, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for not actively networking and SEARCHING on a daily basis (my father tells me as much whenever we happen to talk to each other). And I really don't deal well with rejection...not getting the internship I expected/really wanted last summer shut me down to the degree that I never even looked for anything else. But I can't afford to do that now, this isn't just a summer where I can piddle around; this is the rest of my life...but I can't be expected to make decisions about the rest of my life NOW!!!! Plus my parents won't let me live with them (and I don't WANT to, don't get me wrong), so there's that pressure to be able to afford living on my own IMMEDIATELY...argh.

I don't have very many friends but even so I can't manage to be a good friend to all of them at the same time. I don't know how to fix this...

I just wanna go back to bed and not think about anything. Today sucks, from the still-falling snow to the already endless homework to the cake pan I just can't get clean.

rawr.

11:11, make a wish

Classes start tomorrow. Should work wonders for resetting my internal clock, and for my persistent listlessness, and...yeah, those are the only pluses I've got. I have been quite bored for the last month or so--nothing personal, like, intellectually bored. It's no secret that I'm most satisfied when I have fifty thousand different things to do. But, ugh, I fear this semester is going to be more difficult than I could dream of...

And I have been doing a LOT better since New Year's about not keeping my mind on the past. Overall. I've had just one slip of note.
Oh, those resolutions, though...yeah they're broken.

I'm not in classes full of friends (which is to say, religion classes). I really do not expect to know most of my classmates. Maybe I'll meet new people, make new friends. (Suzy Antisocial? Ha. But, hey, it could happen!) Speaking of Suzy Antisocial, there is a rumor that Miss Meme is a "siren" which I would like to debunk. "Siren" is all about being, like, sexy and charismatic and just a magnetic personality. I'm pretty sure that if I had a magnetic personality I would have more friends than I could count on one hand. I'm not complaining, I adore my friends, just...not the rest of the world, really. :) It is true that I have a ton of fairly newfound confidence in myself and my body but that's all there is to it.

xoxo
gossip girl

I'm just being Miley

think I have...FINALLY...moved on. this may or may not just be due to my awful memory, how I don't remember what I did or what I felt, but I'll take it nonetheless.
I think I am at peace with summer 2008.

In other news, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was pretty good for a three-hour behemoth. It was really slow starting out, and lost me a time or two throughout, but overall it actually kept my attention pretty well. And was good. And was pretty much Titanic meets The Notebook meets Big Fish, so I mean, if that floats your boat. Well I suppose Titanic doesn't really float any boats...*cymbal.*

I submitted my application for Teach For America. Cool. I was supposed to chat with a representative from the organization tonight but he never called...err...s'all good. Hopefully I will have better luck with this than past Christmas Break application essays! (Christmas 2004 was scholarship apps to Wash U, Christmas 2005 was applying to be an RA at MSA. Obviously I didn't get either of those lol.)

Speaking of MSA...
I don't know.
Once upon a time that was a HUGE part of my life. Back in high school when I didn't have any friends, when I didn't know who I was.
But I have an awful memory...
The day of Alumni Day this year I was idly logged onto facebook chat while passing a lazy afternoon at the SS Badass, the day after a certain ATO party. Someone I had met at MSA imed me and was like, hey, we should go to this next year. And I was like I don't care, I don't remember MSA.
For one reason or another I kept thinking about MSA more and more as the summer progressed. Digging for my journal from the time, straining to remember anything about my classes and the people. Meanwhile I was kept being encouraged to do alumni stuff next year until I was finally like, okay, okay, we'll go lol.
Then because of whatever happened I somehow ended up kind of mad at MSA lol. Logical, I know. And then, come to find out, there's a huge 25th-anniversary bash this year...thank you, cosmic irony. At first I was like, whatever, I don't care, I'm not going, but now I think--if I am still in the area--I will...

blaggity bloggity blah

Hmm. So, I've used xanga for years, but that's really the domain of whiny little emo kids...I suppose it's time for something a little more grown-up. I have been journaling regularly since midsummer; perhaps I can also have the discipline to blog. eh, we'll see. Plus, when better to try than the new year? Gosh, I can't even TELL you how excited I am to finally be rid of 2008.

Resolutions, as articulated on said xanga several days ago, and for original material, 3-days-in reflections:

-to read more: I read two chapters of Harry Potter today!
-to get a decent amount of sleep: yeah I went to bed at 4.
-to be nicer: ha, yeah, not gonna happen.
-to wish on stars: I never SEE the stars.
-to dance in the rain: entirely too cold for now.
-to make kisses meaningful and memorable: whatever.
-to be beautiful: well, shyeah.
-to not do things I know will hurt me: so far so good.
-to not be afraid of trying new things: I tried the chocolate martini Bee made me the other night?
-to appreciate my amazing friends and not let stupid things come between us: yeah!
-to be happy: tra la
-to let bygones be bygones: yeah burned that bridge so it's pretty much, bye, gone!
-to carpe diem: eh, I can seize tomorrow, I'm sleepy.
-to forget the past but not the lessons: *glaring*
-to help people: I offered to take a fussy baby at a funeral today to the nursery so the mom could be at the service? lol.
-to make the world a better place: hahaha, not to be cliche or anything.
-to go: yeah I don't really know what I mean by this either.

In other news, it was 60-something degrees out today; as such, Bee and I went swinging. Obviously. In the summer and early fall (basically until it got cold) I went swinging sooooo often...it's just an easy first step for something to do when I am, or one of my girlfriends is, sad, you know? But today, for me, it was more about enjoying the weather than about pumping out my disappointment. Hooray for warmth! I get so dang grouchy when it's cold, I think I have finally accepted that I really need to move someplace WARM when I graduate.

Peace out, home slices. Thanks for tuning in.
meme