The label I forget

I rarely write about TS, or talk about it. I don't even think about it much, really. Usually as soon as I notice I'm ticking I stop, and that's that.

While in the bathroom tonight getting ready for bed, I noticed that I was flapping pretty hard. Then, sitting on my bed after putting in my retainers, I realized my wrist was starting to get tired, I was flapping so hard. Do you know how much I tic, and how fast? (In case you didn't catch my tone there, the answers are A LOT and VERY.) I don't recall EVER getting sore from it before.

I wish I knew why I was ticking so hard. Then some mental post-it note appears, left over from the days of agonizing over calc homework, reminding me that stress makes it worse. I'm stressed? I don't think I'm stressed about anything. I pause and my mind lands on a sentence: it's when I feel that my surroundings are out of my control.

And that's it exactly. If my life strays a little from the routine, flapping...it comforts me greatly. Which is strange to say. That's one thing about TS I never really experience--ticking as relief of an urge--as a way to feel good. Because I'm not usually aware that I am ticking.

When I tic I surrender control of my body and my mind. It is pure chaos.

And it's dangerous:
I don't mind if someone sees me bounce or wave, but when I give myself over to it? Fingers a blur, wrists rotating bizarrely, arms held out rigidly ahead of me. Mouth wide open, tongue pressed against my teeth, eyes glazed over.
I don't want anyone to EVER see me like that.

I fall into a state where I'm not in control of my body and I am aware of nothing, completely in a trance. Yet in that double loss I am free. Free from being a control freak. Free from needing every question answered. Free from needing every detail planned. Free from bullshit stresses like homework. Free from the bigger stresses that don't go away, about my future or whatever.

Usually once I notice I'm ticking I stop; it's almost never lucid. Once my mind is back my body feels awkward and follows suit.

But tonight as my wrists started to cramp, I put my finger on a Truth about myself I had no idea I was missing. I'm finally seeing that Tourette's can mean something to me.



Edit: umm. More recent use of that mental post-it note here. As well as another reference to being sore. BUT STILL. hahaha.

Edit 2: is this interesting? I'm very self-conscious talking about it. Is this over-sharing in a cool, memoir-y kinda way or in a, oh my god she's a freak way? Please don't tell me the latter just to mess with me; I am extremely sensitive about this and sincerely want to know if it makes me sound like a freak.