so emo!

I can feel myself getting sad again. I don't know if I've been doing better lately because of the higher dose of drugs or because of the psychological significance of a new year/new beginning, but whatever it is, it's wearing off.

There's so much pressure on us to have Life Figured Out. I guess college wasn't nearly as difficult as high school had prepared me to expect; perhaps real life will turn out similarly? I mean, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for not actively networking and SEARCHING on a daily basis (my father tells me as much whenever we happen to talk to each other). And I really don't deal well with rejection...not getting the internship I expected/really wanted last summer shut me down to the degree that I never even looked for anything else. But I can't afford to do that now, this isn't just a summer where I can piddle around; this is the rest of my life...but I can't be expected to make decisions about the rest of my life NOW!!!! Plus my parents won't let me live with them (and I don't WANT to, don't get me wrong), so there's that pressure to be able to afford living on my own IMMEDIATELY...argh.

I don't have very many friends but even so I can't manage to be a good friend to all of them at the same time. I don't know how to fix this...

I just wanna go back to bed and not think about anything. Today sucks, from the still-falling snow to the already endless homework to the cake pan I just can't get clean.

rawr.