Dead

I don't have the time to go through and clean up (i.e. freely delete) old posts right now.  But this blog is officially dead.  "You can go about your business...move along..."  I appreciate you not sticking around and perusing my old drama :\

I was trying so hard not to sink into this

Socialized with my new job tonight.  It was a blast.  I left feeling energized, strong, secure.

Then I came home and facebook, on some freak algorithm, showed me a thumbnail to S' profile.  It's a new picture, thank God only of him, but this time his amazing smile's not for me.

And now I'm absolutely falling apart.

So far as I've braced myself I hadn't really been thinking about him specifically.

I thought he was everything.

He's certainly all I know for summer.

And everything he did was only for me.

And what do I have to show for it?

I've dated a couple idiots who've made me feel completely, completely worthless.

And he apparently has something worth keeping around for months longer than he and I ever made it.

why?

Lies (or at least no longer true)

So I opened the Sticky Notes program on my computer to save my cousin's Army address. I guess I hadn't opened Sticky Notes in months and months. Among what I had forgotten I'd saved in there:

"And I wish I could make up to you the times in which I wasn't able to talk with you, able to be next to you. I miss your touch, your beautiful voice, and just your presence around me."

"YES! Jeez, every time I think about you I can't wait to be next to you, close to you, hold you close."

sigh...

I think I've (subconsciously!) convinced myself that my life with this big hole in it is a dream, and that any minute I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I'll be living the holiday bustle I'd planned; the wheels will be spinning toward the future I'd planned; I'll be happy, like I planned. Things will be like they were, only better. And these months of emptiness won't be anything at all.

And can you blame me? It happened once before. i.e. after months of separation things got back like they were, only better.

I thought I'd decided to let it go. And I truthfully believe that I did--I just managed to grab back on at the last second.

hmm.

Things will be better once the new year has passed...

Drama Queen Drive Home

a playlist. (and honestly I was more in the mood for it for my drive a couple weeks ago than I am now, I just hadn't quite finished it yet...)

1. "Homecoming," Hey Monday
I'm coming home, I wanna know, when all the leaves begin to fall, if I'm falling, falling apart for you

2. "You and I," Lady GaGa
It's been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm back in town, this time I'm not leaving without you

3. "...Baby One More Time," Britney Spears
my loneliness is killing me

4. "The Story of Us," Taylor Swift

I used to think that one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly

5. "I Cant Do it Alone," 3OH!3

'cause god damn it, I can't do it alone

6. "Kansas City," Sneaky Sound System
somebody in Kansas City loves me

7. "Rolling in the Deep," Adele
I can't help feeling we could have had it all

8. "Molasses," The Hush Sound

you say there's something better, but tonight you know you'll never find it

9. "The One that Got Away," Katy Perry

in another life, I could be your girl, we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world

10. "Super Bass," Nicki Minaj
excuse me, you're a hell of a guy*

11. "Take My Hand," The Cab ft. Cassadee from Hey Monday
this is ending, but we will get through eventually

12. "Over Thinking," Relient K
one more guy/girl cliche, I know now you're just in the way of me and my dream come true

13. "Cold Shoulders," Gold Motel

some things end without trying, we turn away without warning

14. "Littlest Things," Lily Allen
sometimes I wish we could just pretend, if only for one weekend

15. "Breakfast at Tiffany's," Deep Blue Something

it's plain to see we're over, and I hate when things are over when so much is left undone

16. "Inside Out," Britney Spears
even if we couldn't last forever, baby, you know what I want right now.

17. "Goodbye to You," Michelle Branch
I want you, but I'm not giving in this time.

*This song might seem a little out of place, but that lyric played over and over and over in my head during the 3-hour breakup conversation.

littlest things

in a weird place still, today. over the moon for [x]. I found myself trying to list reasons I should marry him, reasons we should be together long-term. the little things.

our chemistry was incredible. he doesn't drink. he's fine not having pets. he knows how to do/fix just about everything around the house, with a car, with a computer. he lives frugally. he understood the TS side of me, the side I hate to let anyone see. we had amazing rapport, and our senses of humor matched pretty well. his IQ was near mine, lol.

soooo many "pros!" how is that not enough? I guess all that shows we're compatible, and he'd be useful to keep around, but none of those things are "forever"-strength glue. things like shared beliefs, or shared dreams of the future. :\ the list above would last us a while, but without the backbone of dreams and beliefs, there'd be an endpoint. it would be finite.

Mom says now I know what to look for, and the right person will have all those pros plus the other things I need. but, every detail? the no booze, no pets? the disability? seems like a tall order.

note: from my journal, the day last week I couldn't write a sonnet. I don't know if I'm sad for realz or if I'm just mopey because I was mopey over t-giving last year and I tend to retrace my steps. 2 months out. I don't feel like I think about him a lot lot...well...relatively...

It needs to be said.

Adam--

Fuck you.

3 years ago you led me on, made me think I was special, made me completely fall for you, only to suddenly realize, DUH, I was just a rebound. I was 2nd choice.

Last winter you led me on, made me think I was special, made me completely fall for you, made me into something I thought I'd NEVER do to another woman, but I was still just 2nd choice.

You treated me horribly, but you know why I never unfriended you?

Adam, before the drama, we'd been friends for five fucking years. I didn't unfriend you because of the dorky Kirksville postcard you sent me in London, because of how you'd always ask my opinion about the latest Harry Potter, because of fucking MSA, Jesus! YOU'RE the one who still brought it up sometimes, who still held it as sacred. (Me, I'd fucking rather see the money go to--I don't know, anything remotely useful in an actual school!!) You were the only MSA person I was even remotely still in contact with, and as much as you hurt me, I didn't want to burn that bridge. I'd think that, even if 5 years of friendship before we pushed it too far doesn't mean anything to you, fucking MSA would.

I guess what I'm saying is, you had no right to unfriend me, since YOU are the one who repeatedly wronged ME. The immaturity of the action honestly bemuses me. What the fuck did I do to you? Not give you the chance to crawl back into our old pattern? Excuuuse me, princess. You've broken my heart countless times, but I say something slightly hurtful, and that's it?? Do you not see how douchey that is??? How much of a double standard? Fuck, makes me almost wanna send an informational facebook message to the girl you dated last winter--except, wait, I don't fucking go out of my way to hurt people.

Fuck you. I never would've chosen to burn the bridge. I respected the friendship we used to have.

I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

(the next morning: and, see, this is exactly why I refused to restart communication with him. he has WAY too much pull over my emotions.)