oh it is my birthday

Token reflection-y post. So. 21 was officially my year of CRAZINESS. How now, 22?

Last year I rang in my birthday for a week (most of which with Caitlin!), starting with seeing Wicked, a show I didn't even really like at that point, on the 24th, and concluding with passing out at a concert and ruining everyone's night on June 1. With plenty of best friends, boys, and booze in between. Actually not so much plenty of boys, just too much focus on one who didn't deserve it.

Birthday week last year included:
learning to ride a bike
cider and vodka in andrea's basement
metro station
filming a music video (alex eating a beanie baby?)
video games
swinging
the blue skirt all week long
bar-hopping in l-town
discovering the power and light district
the "awkward party" that more than lived up to its name
alcoholic bubble tea
kansas
spooning linz on r's bed
lots of mexican food but only one margarita (it was banana!)
a day to myself to catch up a little while my friends were at a big concert
my third-ever journey to kirksville; the first of four rather monumental visits of the summer
so, so, so much awkwardness
sitting bitch between r and kent
lookin' hott at "skankalicious" birthday party
embarrassing myself at said party
playing with a dog
not sleeping; just sipping water while "thx fr th mmrs" blasted in my head. all night.
early morning on the porch with the bubble machine, and eventually with caitlin.
etc.

birthday festivities this year:
going out saturday night.
i had a tasty beverage this afternoon.
going out for caitlin's birthday friday night.

Birthday 2009 sounds much more manageable, don't you think?

I'm still alive?

So, my birthday's in eight days...? That's kind of sneaked up on me. God, what a year 21 has been.

I've dropped off the face of the planet lately, I realize this and I apologize. I'm getting used to a new lifestyle and just barely keeping my head above the water. I'll be back soon I think.

I love my job. I love my kids...

now

last night I couldn't sleep. I'd toss and turn, toss and turn, and finally drift off only to dream of A or D or more juvenile nightmares too and wake up within the hour.

the pieces are falling into place perfectly. I LOVE my job, I LOVE the new apt.

But it'll take me a while to learn to balance everything. Right now I feel sooooo disconnected. I haven't spent time with Ashley or Lindsey or Stella in what feels like ages (NB: I suppose this is by choice atm, but I need to go to bed), let ALONE latesacaitlinbethanyvincentericalexmomdadcarlyandrealydia etc...

sweet marie, there's a hole where your heart should be

Miss Self-sufficient

Me: *being appreciative about how Dad drove down to help me move,* "I was pretty helpless..."
Mom: "I don't know how you could be helpless about anything, we raised you to be independent!!!"

:)

I'd never thought of it that way, or she's never put it that way, but, I don't know, it was really cool to hear her say that. When I'm trying to be liberal chic I have a tendency to inadvertently slander my parents. They're not oppressive...they just have some different views on things than I do. Who cares that their politics are different than mine? In this country you really have a fifty fifty shot of that. My parents are far from some horrible fundamentalist stereotype: I was raised to be independent and kick ASS, not to get an MRS degree or to rely on someone to come rescue me.

better

Hey, so, I have a job! :) I'm going to be a full time teacher's aide at a private, year-round school for special needs kids. I'll be working with children with autism, specifically. I am SO EXCITED.

Just a month ago I was so terrified of graduation. Now I've wrapped up my coursework (with a 4.0 for the semester, I think!), I have a plan for the immediate future, and I can't wait to see where it takes me. :)

To sleep, perchance to dream

I've gone to bed so early lately. The other night I crashed at 7:30, for God's sake. I certainly have no shortage of rest at the time being. However, it doesn't seem to help. I got nine hours of sleep last night and then spent half an hour hitting the snooze button before getting up for church. What gives? And it's not even like I'm trying to compensate, like, sleeping nine hours a night alternating with sleeping three hours a night. I've been getting good chunks of sleep pretty consistently for a bit here...yet I am never rested. Pretty soon (this goes in cycles) I'll hit the "what the fuck, I'm gonna be tired anyway, might as well stay up late goofing off" stage but I just wish I could wake up one morning ready to seize the day.

Year in Review

Tonight was my Honors presentation. I've been researching and worrying about this topic for the last year; tonight it is over forever. I'm closing the book.

Time to close the book on something else I've been worrying about for a year.

Well, write it, and then close it.
(NB: I am not feeling nearly angsty enough at the moment to do justice to this post...as it is, it's just the prewriting I did a week or so ago. It's really not that interesting--I like my facebook note better.)


Believe it or not, one year ago today was my first kiss. I don't like to give that person a lot of credit, but it really was a huge turning point in my life. My naivete, my romantic notions of how things ought to be between a woman and a man, were shattered forever. This was extremely traumatizing; it took me months to recover, to learn from and be able to use this newfound worldliness and wisdom.

I went into a severe depression.

In my bewildered state of mind, I found myself drunk off my ass at a frat party. I was being outgoing and flirty, something completely new to me--I wasn't quite confident in my appearance yet, although the prior encounter had made me suspect that maybe I could be hott.

Less traumatized but still entirely weirded out--and feeling extremely guilty--I tried to pull my life back together. I found something to do with my time; I quit drinking (lasted six weeks!!); I found unlikely confidants to provide me with perspective.

I was shocked to find myself falling for one such confidant. I'd never really had feelings for someone before, beyond vague crushes here and there. We spent a perfect weekend together and I found myself in my first-ever relationship. I was equally thrilled and terrified. And rightly so; it ended as abruptly as it began. I was crushed; the ecstasy that had replaced my summer funk led to a crash right back into depression.

At this point I was getting bitter.

On Halloween I first found myself at a nightclub. Alcohol, loud music, throbbing basslines. Costumes, masks. I danced with several guys and was horrified when one kissed me. After spending a lot of time stressing about it and trying to determine what it "meant" to me, the next week us girls went out again and I found myself in the arms of some other guy on the dance floor. I didn't care at all this time.

The time at the end of January...

I exchanged phone numbers with this one, a first for me. We hung out--Guitar Hero, movies--but he wasn't really my type. One night I was at a party on campus and was texting him, and he showed up at my apartment, much to my bewilderment. I was drunk and things got out of hand. However, having crossed the line, I didn't see the harm in continuing to do so and we dated for another three or four weeks--until I realized he had been lying to me about something extremely important. I walked out. I was never sad about him...I'd never gotten emotionally involved.

And, meanwhile, keep in mind that these are only my own experiences--my girlfriends were being treated like shit by guys all along, as well. I have very little trust in men at all at this point, seeing extremely rare examples of men who are considerate, nice, honest.

Earlier this month I was at another Drury party and was also flirty and outgoing there, which led to another instance of extreme circumstances.

All this within a year of my absolute first kiss--what a year it has been. I didn't know there was so much to learn about myself that I had been completely blind to. Like that I don't care about physical things. Like that, even as female judgment cuts like a knife, I find myself doing it, too. Like how the love of my friends is so much more important to me than romance right now--yet I can't deny physical desire.

I don't let the dramz cripple me anymore. For better or for worse. I don't get emotionally involved. It really makes it all so much more pleasant...(and, yes, I recognize that this is not necessarily healthy).


A year.

Will the next year bring about such dramatic growth for me?

Will it bring about any?