verbatim

(Please note the tag and the date.)

So sleepy.

I meet him at his place. He says, do you wanna get dessert? and I admit I've just eaten birthday cake. So we go inside, he gives me the grand tour. It's a lovely little studio. We sit on the couch and talk and talk and talk, and it's so easy. As time passes we ever so slowly move closer to each other. Our legs touch. Our shoulders brush against each other. He puts his hand on my thigh and our conversation halts. I try to stammer out my sentence. Our faces are very close. We share the tiniest of kisses, short and soft.

More slow motion. We kiss again, make out a little, and he pulls me on top of him. At this point we have the what are we doing/should we be doing this conversation. I don't remember what our reasons are but we determine it's not the worst idea.

Must sleep. More later. Remember:
-500 Days of Summer
-what do you expect from me

<3 a happy marie

Third-person ftw

She lays in bed, not yet trying to sleep. He's 200 miles and 9 months away but in her mind he's right beside her. Holding her. Whispering to her. Running his fingers over her skin, pausing only for--

She'll never have it back, but right now, it almost feels real.

Her phone beeps, receiving a text. Jolted out of her reverie, she says his name out loud, expectantly. You know, a Jane Eyre moment - she was thinking about him so hard he felt it and reached out to her.

Of course it's not him. She's disappointed that it's not a supernatural cupid, but how could it be? For the most part she subscribes to the idea of "the one," and she never felt it with him. Their love was quite good--amazing, even--but it wasn't supernatural. Divine.

She rolls to her side and he wraps his arms around her, intertwines his legs with hers, breathes "I love you" into her neck. --Her ability to pretend play died at puberty - where did this burst of imagination come from?

Alone, she turns off her lamp and attempts to sleep. 200 miles away, he has no idea that she aches for him; that she loves him still.

Wondering

Is there a point at which an obsessive feeling lasts long enough that the feeling must be legitimate? I feel like mere obsessions burn out pretty quickly.

a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it

On a related note: I have a facebook status all planned out for May 30. However, that's the day after we move, so A) we probably won't have internet access and B) I will probably be too busy to remember to get worked up enough to post it. what to dooooo! ;)

Unrealistic

I build myself up a box of fantasy, shutting out my instincts, shutting out common sense, shutting out advice from those who love me. I crawl in and shut the lid tightly and remain there in bliss for as long as I can. Completely delusional. Eventually reality creeps in and I wonder how I ever believed the lies I told myself, because now their falseness is obvious.

But I don't know how to pop the bubble. I can tell when I bury a thought that I'm building up the walls, but I like it. The box is a very comforting place for me. I can't stop.

I guess the best I can do is not drag anyone else in there with me. Breaking my own heart is nothing new. But I can't invite someone else to my fantasy...

And I feel like, "it's not that my instincts are saying 'no' and I'm ignoring it. It's that I can't tell WHAT my instincts are saying." But they said "no" for months and months and months. Why should something have changed? (Rhetorical question. I have all sorts of justification-type answers, of course.) And I don't know how to break down the walls to get a clear reading.

I just get so obsessive.
I always have.

love love love love love

but

surely not?

Three years

For the uninformed reader, my first kiss was three years ago today. And the whole experience ended up getting really ugly. Yes, I'm nearly 24. I was a late bloomer. lol.

(One year)

And it's so strange, because what happened three years ago is what completely killed off the fairytale, happy ending, true love part of me. I was the girl with zero experience with romance and Disney movie expectations. And that part--that believes that Prince Charming is out there, that not all guys are douchebags, that there's such thing as Mr. Right, and that he'll find me someday--it was instantly gone.

Yet I think I've come full circle?

To waiting for Prince Charming.

I've tried seeking things out on my own and it clearly hasn't worked out well for me.

I really hate to surrender my agency, but this might just be one of those things that's out of my control. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life*

And I can't believe I'm letting myself be so...passive. I don't want to be a princess in a tower waiting for a prince, no way.

And I can't believe I'm letting my expectations rise. How can this lead to anything but getting hurt?

*"Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble--that's the kind of song I, the Marie I thought I am, HATES. Too cheesy, too unrealistic, too head-in-the-clouds. Yet me right now loves it and maybe shares the attitude to a slightly-less-cheesy degree.

and how thrilling that moment will be, when the prince of my dreams comes to me

Reading the ol' xanga

From June 27, 2008

'so i was telling a guy whom i know from MSA about my weekend and i used profanity at some point and between the details and my language he was like, "marie!!!! where's the girl i knew five years ago??" and I laughed out loud. she is looooong gone. ugh. i mean, i like me now a LOT better than me then...a lot lot...i'm a lot more interesting, i'm a better person in that i'm not super-judgmental, i actually have friends...but i never saw myself...here, i guess.'

Fiction

Her dream.

His tweet: "...plus I'm in love with someone else."
Her phone call: "Who?"
Scene from a movie, happy ending.

hard to believe that you're still around, almost forgot how you let me down