Three years

For the uninformed reader, my first kiss was three years ago today. And the whole experience ended up getting really ugly. Yes, I'm nearly 24. I was a late bloomer. lol.

(One year)

And it's so strange, because what happened three years ago is what completely killed off the fairytale, happy ending, true love part of me. I was the girl with zero experience with romance and Disney movie expectations. And that part--that believes that Prince Charming is out there, that not all guys are douchebags, that there's such thing as Mr. Right, and that he'll find me someday--it was instantly gone.

Yet I think I've come full circle?

To waiting for Prince Charming.

I've tried seeking things out on my own and it clearly hasn't worked out well for me.

I really hate to surrender my agency, but this might just be one of those things that's out of my control. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life*

And I can't believe I'm letting myself be so...passive. I don't want to be a princess in a tower waiting for a prince, no way.

And I can't believe I'm letting my expectations rise. How can this lead to anything but getting hurt?

*"Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble--that's the kind of song I, the Marie I thought I am, HATES. Too cheesy, too unrealistic, too head-in-the-clouds. Yet me right now loves it and maybe shares the attitude to a slightly-less-cheesy degree.

and how thrilling that moment will be, when the prince of my dreams comes to me

Reading the ol' xanga

From June 27, 2008

'so i was telling a guy whom i know from MSA about my weekend and i used profanity at some point and between the details and my language he was like, "marie!!!! where's the girl i knew five years ago??" and I laughed out loud. she is looooong gone. ugh. i mean, i like me now a LOT better than me then...a lot lot...i'm a lot more interesting, i'm a better person in that i'm not super-judgmental, i actually have friends...but i never saw myself...here, i guess.'

Fiction

Her dream.

His tweet: "...plus I'm in love with someone else."
Her phone call: "Who?"
Scene from a movie, happy ending.

hard to believe that you're still around, almost forgot how you let me down

Reasons:

Reasons I will keep believing in fate/wishes/signs/what-have-you bullshit, #49:

When something I wish for with every 11:11/eyelash/birthday candle/etc. that seems fairly unlikely comes true.

But now I feel guilty, like I caused it.

haha...

thump, thump, clap

Found myself listening to Katy Perry's "ET" featuring Kanye West with my mother the other day. As the lyrics got explicit, I apologized, "uhh...I like the beat?" Mom replied, "It's just 'We Will Rock You!'"





thump, thump, clap

thump, thump, clap

It really is, to invoke those commercials from the turn of the century, "the saaaame thing!"

So, my question is, how come Katy's song tempts me to make a few well-placed phone calls or facebook messages to find myself some company, while Queen's is the least sexual thing I've ever heard? Is it just association? I mean, "We Will Rock You" = football games = not sexy. Or the lyrics? Queen's aren't sexy, but neither is Kanye's "first I'll disrobe you then imma probe you." Even Katy purring "a whole nother world," which horrifies me in theory, doesn't break the mood.

Fascinating...

Miscellaneous

I guess the fact that either of them can completely consume my mind is further proof that neither of them was, you know, "right" or whatever. NOT that any more was needed. Just, sometimes I need reminders.

In other news, I'm mixing up Shakespeare and Bronte in my mind. There's a quote from Jane Eyre that I LOVED back in the day, about not meaning to love somebody yet loving obsessively, something about "he made me love him without even looking at me," but all I can come up with is "I love you with so much of my heart that no part is left to protest," which is from Much Ado About Nothing.

Edit: Looked it up:
I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously arrived, green and strong! He made me love him without looking at me.

Yeah...

Unexpected

Me: "I love tiny things!"
Mom: "Be careful saying that to your boyfriend."
...