made of sugar, milk, and molasses

Lies (or at least no longer true)

2012-02-02T21:52:00.002-06:00

So I opened the Sticky Notes program on my computer to save my cousin's Army address. I guess I hadn't opened Sticky Notes in months and months. Among what I had forgotten I'd saved in there:

"And I wish I could make up to you the times in which I wasn't able to talk with you, able to be next to you. I miss your touch, your beautiful voice, and just your presence around me."

"YES! Jeez, every time I think about you I can't wait to be next to you, close to you, hold you close."

sigh...

2011-12-19T13:31:00.003-06:00

I think I've (subconsciously!) convinced myself that my life with this big hole in it is a dream, and that any minute I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I'll be living the holiday bustle I'd planned; the wheels will be spinning toward the future I'd planned; I'll be happy, like I planned. Things will be like they were, only better. And these months of emptiness won't be anything at all.

And can you blame me? It happened once before. i.e. after months of separation things got back like they were, only better.

I thought I'd decided to let it go. And I truthfully believe that I did--I just managed to grab back on at the last second.

hmm.

Things will be better once the new year has passed...

Drama Queen Drive Home

2011-11-21T21:19:00.005-06:00

a playlist. (and honestly I was more in the mood for it for my drive a couple weeks ago than I am now, I just hadn't quite finished it yet...)

1. "Homecoming," Hey Monday
I'm coming home, I wanna know, when all the leaves begin to fall, if I'm falling, falling apart for you

2. "You and I," Lady GaGa
It's been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm back in town, this time I'm not leaving without you

3. "...Baby One More Time," Britney Spears
my loneliness is killing me

4. "The Story of Us," Taylor Swift

I used to think that one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly

5. "I Cant Do it Alone," 3OH!3

'cause god damn it, I can't do it alone

6. "Kansas City," Sneaky Sound System
somebody in Kansas City loves me

7. "Rolling in the Deep," Adele
I can't help feeling we could have had it all

8. "Molasses," The Hush Sound

you say there's something better, but tonight you know you'll never find it

9. "The One that Got Away," Katy Perry

in another life, I could be your girl, we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world

10. "Super Bass," Nicki Minaj
excuse me, you're a hell of a guy*

11. "Take My Hand," The Cab ft. Cassadee from Hey Monday
this is ending, but we will get through eventually

12. "Over Thinking," Relient K
one more guy/girl cliche, I know now you're just in the way of me and my dream come true

13. "Cold Shoulders," Gold Motel

some things end without trying, we turn away without warning

14. "Littlest Things," Lily Allen
sometimes I wish we could just pretend, if only for one weekend

15. "Breakfast at Tiffany's," Deep Blue Something

it's plain to see we're over, and I hate when things are over when so much is left undone

16. "Inside Out," Britney Spears
even if we couldn't last forever, baby, you know what I want right now.

17. "Goodbye to You," Michelle Branch
I want you, but I'm not giving in this time.

*This song might seem a little out of place, but that lyric played over and over and over in my head during the 3-hour breakup conversation.

littlest things

2011-11-16T23:10:00.002-06:00

in a weird place still, today. over the moon for [x]. I found myself trying to list reasons I should marry him, reasons we should be together long-term. the little things.

our chemistry was incredible. he doesn't drink. he's fine not having pets. he knows how to do/fix just about everything around the house, with a car, with a computer. he lives frugally. he understood the TS side of me, the side I hate to let anyone see. we had amazing rapport, and our senses of humor matched pretty well. his IQ was near mine, lol.

soooo many "pros!" how is that not enough? I guess all that shows we're compatible, and he'd be useful to keep around, but none of those things are "forever"-strength glue. things like shared beliefs, or shared dreams of the future. :\ the list above would last us a while, but without the backbone of dreams and beliefs, there'd be an endpoint. it would be finite.

Mom says now I know what to look for, and the right person will have all those pros plus the other things I need. but, every detail? the no booze, no pets? the disability? seems like a tall order.

note: from my journal, the day last week I couldn't write a sonnet. I don't know if I'm sad for realz or if I'm just mopey because I was mopey over t-giving last year and I tend to retrace my steps. 2 months out. I don't feel like I think about him a lot lot...well...relatively...

It needs to be said.

2011-10-30T02:23:00.004-05:00

Adam--

Fuck you.

3 years ago you led me on, made me think I was special, made me completely fall for you, only to suddenly realize, DUH, I was just a rebound. I was 2nd choice.

Last winter you led me on, made me think I was special, made me completely fall for you, made me into something I thought I'd NEVER do to another woman, but I was still just 2nd choice.

You treated me horribly, but you know why I never unfriended you?

Adam, before the drama, we'd been friends for five fucking years. I didn't unfriend you because of the dorky Kirksville postcard you sent me in London, because of how you'd always ask my opinion about the latest Harry Potter, because of fucking MSA, Jesus! YOU'RE the one who still brought it up sometimes, who still held it as sacred. (Me, I'd fucking rather see the money go to--I don't know, anything remotely useful in an actual school!!) You were the only MSA person I was even remotely still in contact with, and as much as you hurt me, I didn't want to burn that bridge. I'd think that, even if 5 years of friendship before we pushed it too far doesn't mean anything to you, fucking MSA would.

I guess what I'm saying is, you had no right to unfriend me, since YOU are the one who repeatedly wronged ME. The immaturity of the action honestly bemuses me. What the fuck did I do to you? Not give you the chance to crawl back into our old pattern? Excuuuse me, princess. You've broken my heart countless times, but I say something slightly hurtful, and that's it?? Do you not see how douchey that is??? How much of a double standard? Fuck, makes me almost wanna send an informational facebook message to the girl you dated last winter--except, wait, I don't fucking go out of my way to hurt people.

Fuck you. I never would've chosen to burn the bridge. I respected the friendship we used to have.

I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

(the next morning: and, see, this is exactly why I refused to restart communication with him. he has WAY too much pull over my emotions.)

tik tok?

2011-10-11T21:33:00.004-05:00

I can't stop ticking.

Plus, I've picked up a new one. Hand-wringing.

(Tics are exacerbated by stress, of course. But with the exception of maybe 2 incidents of coprolalia, my tics haven't waxed or waned* since I was a kid. Apparently my current emotional state is hitting me hard.)

You have no idea how distressing it is to not have control over what your hands are doing. To become aware of it, and stop yourself, but then the second you stop paying attention, they go right back to it. Or not stop yourself, because you know it'll just start up again, plus it's so calming to just release and let your body do what it needs to do...

*It's normal for tics to wax and wane, that is, one might disappear for a while and sometime later a new one might crop up. But for me it's been flapping, leg-bouncing, and silent palilalia (?) pretty consistently since, like, middle school.

http://www.tsa-usa.org/aMedical/whatists.html

Blogging in couplets

2011-10-10T20:17:00.006-05:00

(muahaha to blogging in couplets. getting old yet? ;) )

Grieving again, except this time it's real.

I really can't figure out what I should feel.

We don't have what it takes to last fifty years--

I need to accept it in spite of my tears.

Rock bottom, I gave him a shot at what-if

he ignored it, 'though I reckon that he got my drift.

The difference between nostalgia and not-letting-go,

I couldn't figure out a year ago.

Accept it and move on...

accept it and move on.

there's no future for me down this road.

there's a greater story to be told.

I'm just so damn stubborn, I'm sure you all know.

once I decide something I can't let it go.

I'd made up my mind, no questions, no fuss.

What do I do when it's all in the dust?

"Just between you and me, getting older and more responsible is kind of horrible sometimes."

healing process

2011-10-08T20:51:00.003-05:00

I haven't cried in 6 days.

But, I all but had an anxiety attack this afternoon. That was unusual.

so.

you win some, you lose some. i guess?

Write My Own

2011-10-06T22:51:00.019-05:00

(First of all, my apologies to the internet. I have absolutely no creative writing training, and I didn't even begin to revise this. The rhyme and meter are pretty painful. Anyhow, may I present...)

I'll Write My Own Goddamn Poem

by Marie

The loss of the dream leaves nothing the same.

-Langston Hughes

16 months of history, 12 days later.

I'm okay, 'though I've felt better.
I just have the urge to hear your voice,
even if I know we made the right choice.

I broke my own heart, too, you know.

Last year I needed to take it slow.

This time we had no choice - 3 years!

Plenty of time, right, to conquer our fears.

I had you and you were everything;

I'd already plugged you into my dream.

You were nervous but you didn't complain -

I never considered you might not be game.

Kids, piano lessons, soccer practice, picket fence;

I couldn't wait for all that with my prince.

I love you and I know my dream was twofold:

to have kids, and have you, to have and to hold.

You were unsure, but so what, we had time

(not that my "plan" was that you'd change your mind...)

Easily avoided, but then not anymore;

you saw me with kids and you knew I'd want more.

I saw you see me and my hope disappeared.

You just don't want that, it was instantly clear.

Impasse achieved, what choice could we make?

Forsaking a dream would be a mistake.

Such different priorities cannot align,

yet I still want to think that you'll always be mine.

Recap

2011-10-04T22:14:00.010-05:00

It's ironic, isn't it, that I spent my summer in love and so happy yet the only record of it here is the angsty buildup and now the tearful conclusion.

Why didn't I write?

(Hell, I barely wrote in my journal. I spent every second of spare-time-to-myself TALKING to him.)

But, let's see.
I didn't want to jinx it.
I never wanted to make a big deal out of it.
I didn't want to sound sappy.

I wish I'd written. Except for the Big Issue That Broke Us Up, which was pretty easily avoided (until it wasn't anymore), we were so happy.

We'd worked out the kinks of long-distance.
We talked soooo much.
He knew everything about my present-day life and was beginning to learn about my past, the things I thought I'd never tell a suitor.
He was starting to pick up on when my attention span was shot and I needed a change of pace. I could tell when he needed to be Aspergery for a while and tell me every detail about something, and even though I'd tease him, I loved it.
He indulged my whims (roller skating! ice cream every day!) and treated me like a princess. I made him breakfast in bed and sent him letters, trying to take care of him, too.
We played board games and he didn't get pissy when I turned into an evil, competitive, trash-talking superbitch.
I squeezed his hand as we confronted one of his biggest fears (an actual place, not anything metaphorical, lol). He'd hold me tight when I was feeling anxious.
I dreamed about spending the holidays with him, spending time with him and my family, spending time with him and my friends. And HIS family, and HIS friends.

I dreamed about spending much more than that with him.

I just never stopped to make sure it was his dream, too.

"Maybe we can be friends someday. It'll just take time."
"'Friends' seems kinda lame after...this."

comment

2011-10-01T12:10:00.001-05:00

I have never felt so empty.

Blood

2011-07-28T16:26:00.002-05:00

This post starts with an assumption. That assumption is that a 40-something man with no wedding ring who loves Lady Gaga, Glee, and "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is gay...right?

So I went to give blood today. Walking into the private room for the exam, the nurse (word choice?) escorting me commented upon my hat and immediately followed up with, "Did you see Lady Gaga on Dancing with the Stars last night??" I say no, and he clarifies that she wasn't performing, only judging, and starts to justify his love of Lady Gaga--I have to clarify that I do love her, I just don't watch tv. He segues to Glee. "Do you watch Glee? There was an episode devoted to her, and they all had costumes like her, and they sang, what song--" and is thrilled when I name Bad Romance. Back to DWTS--last night the contestants had to dance to "Total Eclipse of the Heart," which he LOVES, and I said, yeah, I really like the Glee cover. Glee? Well, did I know that some of the cast is leaving next year? And can you believe how much the actress they got to play Rachel's mom looks like her? I don't think he believes me when I say that I always thought Lea Michele was a dead ringer for Idina Menzel even before I ever watched the show. More on Lady Gaga, "she just stands out, you know, not like, who was that British singer who died, I'd never even heard of her." I agree that Gaga is certainly theatrical, but admit that Britney Spears will always be my favorite--and he agrees that she is a classic. By this point he's checked my iron and found me ineligible to donate, but sees me off with a grin.

Why does a gay man work at the blood center? Blood donation is very explicitly discriminatory. Despite the fact that HIV transmits through heterosexual contact more than anything else these days, men are not allowed to donate if they have had sexual contact with another man even once since 1977. (And a woman's not allowed to donate if, within the last year, she's slept with a man who's ever slept with a man).

Maybe he wants to contribute, and all he could do--without the option of donating--was get involved? That's pretty noble.

(Yeah, yeah, or maybe that's just where he could get a job, but don't crush my fantasy here.)

Things I have eaten today:

2011-07-14T16:28:00.004-05:00

As of 4:28pm:

7:30am
2 dry waffles
Handful of pretzels

8:30am
Handful of peanut m&ms

8:45am
Peanut butter sandwich
Handful of pretzels

11:40am
Footlong Italian BMT sub
2.5 double chocolate cookies

3:30pm
Large quantity of peanut m&ms

...and this is how one gains five pounds in a day.

verbatim

2011-06-04T03:08:00.000-05:00

(Please note the tag and the date.)

So sleepy.

I meet him at his place. He says, do you wanna get dessert? and I admit I've just eaten birthday cake. So we go inside, he gives me the grand tour. It's a lovely little studio. We sit on the couch and talk and talk and talk, and it's so easy. As time passes we ever so slowly move closer to each other. Our legs touch. Our shoulders brush against each other. He puts his hand on my thigh and our conversation halts. I try to stammer out my sentence. Our faces are very close. We share the tiniest of kisses, short and soft.

More slow motion. We kiss again, make out a little, and he pulls me on top of him. At this point we have the what are we doing/should we be doing this conversation. I don't remember what our reasons are but we determine it's not the worst idea.

Must sleep. More later. Remember:
-500 Days of Summer
-what do you expect from me

<3 a happy marie

Third-person ftw

2011-05-31T23:02:00.004-05:00

She lays in bed, not yet trying to sleep. He's 200 miles and 9 months away but in her mind he's right beside her. Holding her. Whispering to her. Running his fingers over her skin, pausing only for--

She'll never have it back, but right now, it almost feels real.

Her phone beeps, receiving a text. Jolted out of her reverie, she says his name out loud, expectantly. You know, a Jane Eyre moment - she was thinking about him so hard he felt it and reached out to her.

Of course it's not him. She's disappointed that it's not a supernatural cupid, but how could it be? For the most part she subscribes to the idea of "the one," and she never felt it with him. Their love was quite good--amazing, even--but it wasn't supernatural. Divine.

She rolls to her side and he wraps his arms around her, intertwines his legs with hers, breathes "I love you" into her neck. --Her ability to pretend play died at puberty - where did this burst of imagination come from?

Alone, she turns off her lamp and attempts to sleep. 200 miles away, he has no idea that she aches for him; that she loves him still.

Wondering

2011-05-22T22:19:00.003-05:00

Is there a point at which an obsessive feeling lasts long enough that the feeling must be legitimate? I feel like mere obsessions burn out pretty quickly.

a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it

On a related note: I have a facebook status all planned out for May 30. However, that's the day after we move, so A) we probably won't have internet access and B) I will probably be too busy to remember to get worked up enough to post it. what to dooooo! ;)

Unrealistic

2011-05-11T21:25:00.000-05:00

I build myself up a box of fantasy, shutting out my instincts, shutting out common sense, shutting out advice from those who love me. I crawl in and shut the lid tightly and remain there in bliss for as long as I can. Completely delusional. Eventually reality creeps in and I wonder how I ever believed the lies I told myself, because now their falseness is obvious.

But I don't know how to pop the bubble. I can tell when I bury a thought that I'm building up the walls, but I like it. The box is a very comforting place for me. I can't stop.

I guess the best I can do is not drag anyone else in there with me. Breaking my own heart is nothing new. But I can't invite someone else to my fantasy...

And I feel like, "it's not that my instincts are saying 'no' and I'm ignoring it. It's that I can't tell WHAT my instincts are saying." But they said "no" for months and months and months. Why should something have changed? (Rhetorical question. I have all sorts of justification-type answers, of course.) And I don't know how to break down the walls to get a clear reading.

I just get so obsessive.
I always have.

love love love love love

but

surely not?

Three years

2011-04-27T21:44:00.004-05:00

For the uninformed reader, my first kiss was three years ago today. And the whole experience ended up getting really ugly. Yes, I'm nearly 24. I was a late bloomer. lol.

(One year)

And it's so strange, because what happened three years ago is what completely killed off the fairytale, happy ending, true love part of me. I was the girl with zero experience with romance and Disney movie expectations. And that part--that believes that Prince Charming is out there, that not all guys are douchebags, that there's such thing as Mr. Right, and that he'll find me someday--it was instantly gone.

Yet I think I've come full circle?

To waiting for Prince Charming.

I've tried seeking things out on my own and it clearly hasn't worked out well for me.

I really hate to surrender my agency, but this might just be one of those things that's out of my control. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life*

And I can't believe I'm letting myself be so...passive. I don't want to be a princess in a tower waiting for a prince, no way.

And I can't believe I'm letting my expectations rise. How can this lead to anything but getting hurt?

*"Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble--that's the kind of song I, the Marie I thought I am, HATES. Too cheesy, too unrealistic, too head-in-the-clouds. Yet me right now loves it and maybe shares the attitude to a slightly-less-cheesy degree.

and how thrilling that moment will be, when the prince of my dreams comes to me

Reading the ol' xanga

2011-04-23T19:13:00.002-05:00

From June 27, 2008

'so i was telling a guy whom i know from MSA about my weekend and i used profanity at some point and between the details and my language he was like, "marie!!!! where's the girl i knew five years ago??" and I laughed out loud. she is looooong gone. ugh. i mean, i like me now a LOT better than me then...a lot lot...i'm a lot more interesting, i'm a better person in that i'm not super-judgmental, i actually have friends...but i never saw myself...here, i guess.'

Fiction

2011-04-17T15:49:00.003-05:00

Her dream.

His tweet: "...plus I'm in love with someone else."
Her phone call: "Who?"
Scene from a movie, happy ending.

hard to believe that you're still around, almost forgot how you let me down

Reasons:

2011-04-15T19:59:00.005-05:00

Reasons I will keep believing in fate/wishes/signs/what-have-you bullshit, #49:

When something I wish for with every 11:11/eyelash/birthday candle/etc. that seems fairly unlikely comes true.

But now I feel guilty, like I caused it.

haha...

thump, thump, clap

2011-04-13T22:47:00.005-05:00

Found myself listening to Katy Perry's "ET" featuring Kanye West with my mother the other day. As the lyrics got explicit, I apologized, "uhh...I like the beat?" Mom replied, "It's just 'We Will Rock You!'"

thump, thump, clap

thump, thump, clap

It really is, to invoke those commercials from the turn of the century, "the saaaame thing!"

So, my question is, how come Katy's song tempts me to make a few well-placed phone calls or facebook messages to find myself some company, while Queen's is the least sexual thing I've ever heard? Is it just association? I mean, "We Will Rock You" = football games = not sexy. Or the lyrics? Queen's aren't sexy, but neither is Kanye's "first I'll disrobe you then imma probe you." Even Katy purring "a whole nother world," which horrifies me in theory, doesn't break the mood.

Fascinating...

Miscellaneous

2011-04-10T22:20:00.004-05:00

I guess the fact that either of them can completely consume my mind is further proof that neither of them was, you know, "right" or whatever. NOT that any more was needed. Just, sometimes I need reminders.

In other news, I'm mixing up Shakespeare and Bronte in my mind. There's a quote from Jane Eyre that I LOVED back in the day, about not meaning to love somebody yet loving obsessively, something about "he made me love him without even looking at me," but all I can come up with is "I love you with so much of my heart that no part is left to protest," which is from Much Ado About Nothing.

Edit: Looked it up:
I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously arrived, green and strong! He made me love him without looking at me.

Yeah...

Unexpected

2011-04-08T22:35:00.002-05:00

Me: "I love tiny things!"
Mom: "Be careful saying that to your boyfriend."
...

Me + The Hush Sound

2011-04-06T11:56:00.003-05:00

me: cutest video of the hush sound ever!
they are in an apple store!
bahaha
oh that's really freaky. i remember that performance - it was in denver WHILE I WAS IN FT COLLINS COLORADO. aaaaah #soclose
Ashley: awww! That's precious!
I'm sorry you missed out on seeing them.
two years ago.
me: thanks.
well i'd seen them 2 days before that performance.
so i guess it was okay.

Eve and the Apple

2011-04-06T11:10:00.005-05:00

(A playlist about temptation.)

1. I Like It - Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull
your girlfriend's out of town and you're all alone...

2. Hold it Against Me - Britney Spears
you feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight

3. Dance With Me - The Old 97s

4. Love You Much Better - The Hush Sound
I can love you much better, if you can't see it you're blind

5. 7 Things - Miley Cyrus
you like me, you love her*

6. You Keep Me Hangin' On - Glee cast
let me get over you like you've gotten over me

7. Dirty Little Secret - All-American Rejects
I go around a time or two, just to waste my time with you

8. Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls
don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

9. Dirty Picture - Taio Cruz ft. Ke$ha
will you play along if I take a dirty picture?

10. Trouble for Me - Britney Spears
you and me were a disaster, and you're only a danger to me

11. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy
thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great

12. Folkin' Around - Panic at the Disco
allow me to exaggerate a memory or two

13. Take My Hand - The Cab ft. Cassadee from Hey Monday
this is ending, but we will get through eventually

14. He's a Tramp - Cast of Disney's On the Record
yes, even I have got it pretty bad

15. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
so come over here and tell me what I wanna hear.

16. Honey - The Hush Sound
Honey, honey, you were the first one...

17. Cuidate - La Oreja de Van Gogh
mis recuerdos de alguna cancion son hoy mi premio de consolacion...

*not the actual lyrics, but it's how I learned it back when I first heard it.

Swinging: A Retrospective

2011-04-03T21:14:00.005-05:00

Beautiful brand-new spring day. This called for, of course, going to the park and pumping my legs off.

Which is not an uncommon occurence for me. I guess just not as common as it used to be...

I can't swing without reliving...

May 2008. Chasing a broken dream across Shawnee Mission, L and I searching for a park with two free swings, R painfully along for the ride.

August 2008. Bitching about the park's sand yet refusing an offer to be carried across it. Swinging for fun rather than for therapy. Returning the next day for the latter purpose.

Fall 2008. Swinging with A and L with me always singing "7 things." Just being Miley, pretty much. (Except for the time we went swinging hungover. BAD IDEA.)

your hair, your eyes, your old Levis, when we kiss I'm hypnotized

Thrilling me through

2011-03-28T22:37:00.005-05:00

I am remarkably adept at lying to myself.

It's a talent, really.

I ride off into my delusional sunset (apologies to Sara Bareilles) and convince myself of whatever it is. I am perfectly aware of the truth*; I just refuse to acknowledge it, stubbornly clinging to my lovely little fiction.

*He doesn't love you, he's just passing the time

What can I say? It's nice while it lasts.

so he said, would it be all right if we just sat and talked for a little while,
if in exchange for your time i give you this smile?
and she said, that's okay, as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart
and leave me all alone in the summer

Favorite Song: A Ridiculously Cheesy Metaphor

2011-03-09T22:29:00.006-06:00

You know those old survey memes? (Maybe they're still around, it's just that my social circle's outgrown them.) They always ask for your favorite song. And for years I never had a favorite song.

I had songs I liked a lot. Songs that made me happy. I'd come up with something to answer the question.

But I had yet to encounter THE song.

The first time I heard The Hush Sound's "Honey" was a youtube video of a live performance of an early version of the song--not even the same lyrics that appear on the recording. Yet even with the imperfect first impression, my heart stirred and I've never been the same.

What I'm saying is, I never had a favorite song before I discovered "Honey." There were songs that were quite nice, songs I could tell myself were my favorite, but I knew in my heart something better was out there.

My metaphor is, of course, to romance. To the notion of finding "the one." You know you're supposed to have a favorite song (partner), and you find something that works for a while and that you quite like, but when you finally encounter that ONE song, you know in your heart that it's different from anything that came before and anything you'll ever encounter again. That it was worth the wait. That it was okay to go years without a favorite song, because nothing fits you more perfectly.

Appendix:
Evidence of my ongoing love affair with "Honey:"
January 2009
March 2009
June 2009
July 2009
November 2010
January 2011

Foreshadowing

2011-03-07T21:54:00.005-06:00

Second weekend together with her new long-distance beau. They embrace on the couch in a borrowed living room. Her new favorite album, the soundtrack to her summer, fills the air. She teasingly sings along from time to time. In the middle of summer. He smiles silently.

Until the last track. He sings, I don't love you, I'm just passing the time.

He breaks up with her first thing in the morning.

6 months out

2011-02-21T21:49:00.004-06:00

I never thought my willpower would last this whole time. I figured I'd cave at some point and eff everything up all over again--but feel so good (SO good) for those fleeting moments!

I mean, it's good that that didn't happen, because then I'd never EVER get over it...

I feel like I need a reward of some sort, lol. Because I honestly just always kinda figured that it would happen again sometime. And despite me even almost-trying over Thanksgiving, I've been quite well-behaved. Not self-destructive on any real level, beyond wallowing in drama from time to time, lol. And the natural consequences of being responsible are SO BORING lol.

I wish the wrong decision could've been right. It just would've made things so much EASIER.

But, I mean, I guess there's something better "out there." small consolation.

you gave me roses, and i left them there to die

In a nutshell

2011-02-14T15:18:00.003-06:00

Augusten Burroughs regarding his brother (who wrote the passage I quote in my previous post):

"Asperger's Syndrome is on the Autism spectrum, so what that means is that he likes machines, he's real smart, and he's sorta rude."

Conversationally Handicapped

2011-02-14T13:33:00.003-06:00

From Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's by John Elder Robison:

My conversational difficulties highlight a problem Aspergians face every day. A person with an obvious disability - for example, someone in a wheelchair - is treated compassionately because his handicap is obvious. No one turns to a guy in a wheelchair and says, "Quick! Let's run across the street!" And when he can't run across the street, no one says, "What's his problem?" They offer to help him across the street.

With me, though, there is no external sign that I am conversationally handicapped. So folks hear some conversational misstep and say, "What an arrogant jerk!" I look forward to the day when my handicap will afford me the same respect accorded to a guy in a wheelchair. And if the respect comes with a preferred parking space, I wouldn't turn it down.

The label I forget

2011-02-07T22:37:00.012-06:00

I rarely write about TS, or talk about it. I don't even think about it much, really. Usually as soon as I notice I'm ticking I stop, and that's that.

While in the bathroom tonight getting ready for bed, I noticed that I was flapping pretty hard. Then, sitting on my bed after putting in my retainers, I realized my wrist was starting to get tired, I was flapping so hard. Do you know how much I tic, and how fast? (In case you didn't catch my tone there, the answers are A LOT and VERY.) I don't recall EVER getting sore from it before.

I wish I knew why I was ticking so hard. Then some mental post-it note appears, left over from the days of agonizing over calc homework, reminding me that stress makes it worse. I'm stressed? I don't think I'm stressed about anything. I pause and my mind lands on a sentence: it's when I feel that my surroundings are out of my control.

And that's it exactly. If my life strays a little from the routine, flapping...it comforts me greatly. Which is strange to say. That's one thing about TS I never really experience--ticking as relief of an urge--as a way to feel good. Because I'm not usually aware that I am ticking.

When I tic I surrender control of my body and my mind. It is pure chaos.

And it's dangerous:
I don't mind if someone sees me bounce or wave, but when I give myself over to it? Fingers a blur, wrists rotating bizarrely, arms held out rigidly ahead of me. Mouth wide open, tongue pressed against my teeth, eyes glazed over.
I don't want anyone to EVER see me like that.

I fall into a state where I'm not in control of my body and I am aware of nothing, completely in a trance. Yet in that double loss I am free. Free from being a control freak. Free from needing every question answered. Free from needing every detail planned. Free from bullshit stresses like homework. Free from the bigger stresses that don't go away, about my future or whatever.

Usually once I notice I'm ticking I stop; it's almost never lucid. Once my mind is back my body feels awkward and follows suit.

But tonight as my wrists started to cramp, I put my finger on a Truth about myself I had no idea I was missing. I'm finally seeing that Tourette's can mean something to me.

Edit: umm. More recent use of that mental post-it note here. As well as another reference to being sore. BUT STILL. hahaha.

Edit 2: is this interesting? I'm very self-conscious talking about it. Is this over-sharing in a cool, memoir-y kinda way or in a, oh my god she's a freak way? Please don't tell me the latter just to mess with me; I am extremely sensitive about this and sincerely want to know if it makes me sound like a freak.

February

2011-02-03T15:36:00.005-06:00

I do love Valentine's Day and all things pink, but everything else about February I absolutely loathe.

The weather is shit.
It's plenty cold.
It seems like winter will NEVER END.

But mostly, I guess, it's what happened two years ago...

two years ago.

I don't even remember the date.

I remember EVERY important date. Take last summer: May 31, June 26, July 2, July 20, August 21.
Or 2008: July 23, August 9, August 19.

But I'd have to look up the February date to remember it. I guess it wasn't important to me.

I mean, I know it wasn't important. Not like that. Not like it's supposed to be.

He didn't even believe me...

When it's all said and done, though, he didn't hurt me. He didn't break my heart. Men who had done much less to me had done much more damage.

You know, he was my only Valentine. How fucked up is that?

stop, please, just let me go
Alejandro, just let me go

I Got Your Crazy

2011-02-01T21:21:00.008-06:00

you put on quite a show, really had me going

new playlist time!
this one is called:

I Got Your Crazy
or, The Other Woman Scorned
(or, Angry Girl Playlist 2.0)

and it goes out to Ben, Mr. Honeywell, and anyone else who's ever made "the other woman" out of an honest woman only to screw her over.

Why Did I Ever Like You - Pink
(I'd still have all my hate for you intact even if I lost everything)

Fighter - Christina Aguilera
(made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter)

Womanizer - Britney Spears
(you've got me going, you're oh so charming, but i can't do it)

Kiss N Tell - Ke$ha
(I can find someone way hotter, with a bigger......)

Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls
(don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?)

Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
(and hell yeah I'm the motherfucking princess)

Love You Much Better - The Hush Sound
(one day soon I'm gonna grab you by the collar and kiss you all I want)

Again Again - Lady Gaga
(you've got a lot, a lot of nerve coming here)

Smile - Lily Allen
(see you messed up my mental health, I was quite unwell)

7 Things - Miley Cyrus
(you like me, you love her*)

Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
(I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.)

Take a Bow - Rihanna
(don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not)

*not the actual lyric, I realize, but it's how I learned it and how I hear it.

Voicemail

2011-01-28T22:12:00.005-06:00

You have one voice message whose retention time is about to expire.

It's been telling me that for months; I'm willing to call its bluff at this point.

If it would delete itself, fine, whatever. I just can't bring myself to push the button.

I know it's 10 types of irrational, but...

what if no one ever says that to me again?

An Excerpt

2011-01-16T22:03:00.004-06:00

from a telephone conversation with my mother.

Marie: "And I didn't spot Prince Charming in my class, which was too bad."
Mom: "I'd been wondering about that, actually."
Marie: "Well, there aren't any cute guys, at least...........well, not that I always go for the cute ones, I guess."
(At this point Ashley nods knowingly. Thanks.)
Marie: "...you there?"
Mom: "Just trying to think of what to say..."
Marie: "Tell me to hold out for a cute one!"
Mom: "Oh, I wouldn't say that. The cute ones are usually cocky. I mean, God rewarded ME, but..."

Vague but emo

2011-01-16T12:49:00.009-06:00

(or vaguely emo?)

Words cannot describe what a total mindfuck I am going through.

To follow up on a theme in my recent posts, I've finally gotten last summer out of my head. Like, completely. I know I loved him, but I don't remember liking him. Not like I...

I did something remarkably stupid last night. I read through my journal from a few summers ago.

And for me it's pure deja vu. It's the exact same story. I'm reacting the exact same way.

How could I let that happen?

always turning back to you 'til you never let me down
loving your illusion, staring at a crooked ground
...you always let me down

Choose your own adventure!

2011-01-15T12:27:00.007-06:00

Scene:
Interior small-but-well-decorated apartment, bathroom. A 20-something woman has just gotten out of the shower and is drying herself. The doorbell rings.

Exposition:
That's odd, she thinks to herself. I wasn't expecting company, and I haven't ordered a package. For the first moment she ignores the interruption, but then curiosity overcomes her. She opens the bathroom door and creeps to the peephole in the front door. Outside stands a man with a very large package.

Time to choose your own adventure!
If she hollers "just a minute!" and scrambles for a bathrobe, continue to paragraph A.
If she opens the door dripping wet, partially covered by her towel, continue to paragraph B.

A:
"Just a minute!" she shouts, even though he's two feet away from her and the door is not thick. He acknowledges, and she drops her towel and hurriedly replaces it with her cozy pink bathrobe. She cracks the door and peers out. He is embarrassed to find her in this state and bashfully asks, "Do you know the people who live in this apartment?", gesturing to the door behind him. She's never met the neighbors, but he asks if he can leave the package with her. Either at the prospect of letting a strange man into the apartment while she's only barely clothed, or because she really has no desire to interact with the neighbors, she demurs. "I'm sorry, I'd rather not. Could you take it to the office?" He takes no offense, but looks disappointed...at the prospect of transporting his package back down the stairs, surely.

B:
Securing the knot in her towel, she opens the door. The delivery man gives her a once-over, taking in her bare legs and shoulders, but remains firmly in control of the situation. "Excuse me, miss. I need you to sign for this package." He hands her the tablet and she sizes him up. "What are you going to do with that package?" "Well, miss, I need to move it into your apartment." "It looks pretty large. Do you need some help handling it?" "Don't worry, miss, I am fully capable of handling this package. Just tell me where you want it." She steps back and leads him to her bedroom, feeling her towel loosen around her chest as she takes each step. Barely clutching at the thin fabric, she tells him, "I want your package right here." "Well, miss, I can certainly arrange for that..."

Cliche

2010-12-31T17:54:00.004-06:00

Year in review...?

I've been looking forward to this post all week but now I have nothing to say.

I'm giving up my vices
I'm going back, back to school
Eviction or not, this week's been so hot
That long as I've got you I know I'll be cool.
I couldn't crack the love code, dear,
'Til you made the lock on my heart explode!
It's gonna be a happy new year

I mean...
A lot happened
i guess

Depends on how you define that.

The biggest thing right now, actually, is rebuilding a bridge I thought for sure was toast. It's not much but it gives me hope--I don't even know what for. Just hope in general, I guess. That one can make a breakup as ugly as possible and still maybe be friends. I thought it was impossible. I guess it just takes a LOT of time.

And other things that happened this year?
so long ago
I'd just as soon not dwell on it.

I learned a lot.

(I guess just refer to this, lol.)

Global Warming

2010-12-31T01:22:00.006-06:00

December: 65 degrees and swinging,
curls tangling across my face.
The radio proclaims, your love is my drug
It could almost be summer
if only it was summer

summer

last summer

I'll rebuild the bridge years later
but that doesn't change last summer:
carefree, mindless
not my finest hour
but so
so

happy

_____________
(NB: i'm not actually particularly emo. just striving for creativity. i wish i'd taken a creative writing class at some point [how did i not???]; i feel like my writing might be more viable if i had.)

Wanna know a secret?

2010-12-21T20:41:00.004-06:00

On May 1, 2010, I watched the movie Adam. It is about a young man who has Asperger's and how he finds love, all that.

After seeing it, my main impression was, I could totally date a guy with Asperger's.

On May 30, 2010, I met a guy with Asperger's.

So my secret is...it kind of started as a dare to myself. Don't get me wrong, it went BEYOND that pretty quickly. But that's definitely how it started.

Little Miss Obsessive

2010-12-20T20:18:00.003-06:00

a little bit possessive, Little Miss Obsessive, can't get over it

I know I'm in poor shape when the song in my head is Ashlee Simpson.

but seriously, what's wrong with me?

I'm ready for my respression drive to kick in. I want this out of my head.

Pre-new year profundity

2010-12-05T22:00:00.002-06:00

2008: first kiss
2009: first time
2010: first love

what on EARTH do I have coming next year?? ;)

Try to remember...

2010-12-05T21:31:00.004-06:00

Usually I have an over-active repression reflex. It's not anything I do consciously; I have a bad memory in the first place, and some things it's just easier not to think about.
-I have to work pretty hard to remember an awkward but not at all traumatizing date from last month.
-Nothing out of the ordinary happened in September, that's for sure (what Josh? I know no Josh).
-And this talk of the Irish Guy? That's a dream I only remember because I jotted down a summary right after I woke up.

So why does every detail of last summer play constantly in my head?

It would be so much easier if I just forgot.

Life Decisions

2010-11-27T18:48:00.007-06:00

A. I typically end up where I'm supposed to be. You could call it intuition--I tend to not give myself quite that much credit. To use the language I grew up with, the framework I don't know how to discard, I always end up where God wants me. Example: in the back of my mind, I always knew I was meant to be a teacher, and here I am.

B. I am also very stubborn. Once I decide something, I can't rest until I follow through.* Example: I was determined that I didn't want to be a teacher. I didn't study education. I turned down a pretty significant scholarship offer in high school because it was for education majors. But what happened as college graduation approached? That final semester, too late to change my major, I finally admitted that my passion lay in teaching.

A. But I landed my wonderful, perfect-for-me job, through a barely-friend-of-a-friend. And I stayed in Springfield; THAT one I hadn't seen coming. And stuff about getting my teacher certification post-grad fell through, so I stayed and got promoted at my job. And I know that that was exactly what I needed to do at that time. Where I was supposed to be.

It's an A-B-A sequence. I know some Truth about myself in the back of my head, maybe even below a conscious level. I deny it because it's not what I want at the moment, and I pursue whatever it is I do want. But then it just doesn't work out and I end up at square 1, only this time I realize that that's what I really needed.

The problem is that both A and B are very strong; I often can't tell the difference between them until B goes south. My intuition (A) might be screaming at me to change my ways, but my stubbornness (B) yells back, embracing whatever it is that I'm trying to do.

This is where I lose agency. What I'm told to do is "leave it in God's hands." Wait for Him to "close a door" to direct me to the right path. And honestly, there are decisions where that's the only thing to do. Wait it out and eventually Decision B will show itself to be unhealthy.

All that to say: I don't know what to do...

*I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just a little quirk, or if it's a really complicated tic. It feels exactly like a tic. I have the urge, urge, urge, and I can't get it out of my head until I release it through taking action. Or I just go ahead and do the action before I have a chance to think about it and to be aware of the urge.

How crazy do I sound now? lol.

Currently playing

2010-11-20T22:44:00.008-06:00

i feel so untouched
and i want you so much
that i just can't resist you
it's not enough to say that i miss you
i feel so untouched right now
need you so much somehow
i can't forget you
been going crazy from the moment i met you

"Untouched," The Veronicas

I know it's not fair for me to feel like this. To feel like a victim. Ending it was my decision, and I know it was the right one.
The fact that I had to end it, though, seems very unfair, even this far out--apart longer than we were together.
I've heard (arbitrarily I am sure) that it takes twice as long as you were together to get over somebody. Will I last another three months? I don't trust myself too fully...

moment of weakness

2010-11-16T21:12:00.007-06:00

3 months later, and what do I do?
I make a playlist.
I mean--
there are worse things I could do. (although THAT song's not on the playlist.)

it is, if nothing else, entertainingly genre-boggling! (which is why I'm sharing it!)
I now present:

November Nostalgia

1. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece--I'm complete

2. Kansas City - Sneaky Sound System
somebody in Kansas City loves me

3. Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris
if you fall for me, I'm not easy to please

4. Honey - The Hush Sound
you are my loooooooove, you are my love [very precise spelling]

5. No One Else on Earth - Wynonna Judd
how did you get to me? . . . no one could love me like you

6. Hurricane - The Hush Sound
you're the finest thing that I've done, the hurricane I'll never outrun

7. When the Day Met the Night - Panic at the Disco
he was just hanging around and he fell in love, in the middle of summer

8. Little Miss Obsessive - Ashlee Simpson
then I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it

9. ...Baby One More Time - Britney Spears
my loneliness is killing me, I must confess I still believe

10. Get Back - Demi Lovato
I wanna get back to the old days when the phone would ring and I knew it was you

11. Gotta Go My Own Way - High School Musical 2
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand

12. Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you

13. Do it Again - The Beach Boys
I've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we surfed and danced and all the faces we miss so let's get back together and do it again

Don't worry, Friends-who-care-about-me. My heart wants to. My body certainly wants to. My head even presents a pretty good case. But whatever part of me is above all of that knows it can't happen and won't let it happen.

Perspective

2010-11-13T01:01:00.004-06:00

While dancing with a creepy older man who kept trying to rub up on me: gaaah, I can't do this, I'm still 100% in love with my ex, I'm sad, blah blah blah

While dancing with VERY PRETTY BOY: you know, I think I could move on.

lolll

Turning the page...

2010-10-28T21:03:00.005-05:00

I bought a new journal. I'm psyched. I've got a handful of pages left in the Pink Journal to write the rest of what I have to say about the summer, and then I must symbolically move on. CLOSE THE BOOK, you might say. Get him fucking out of my head, I might say.

I take these transitions very seriously.

The Tiny Notebooks were my travel diaries, and also "oh yeah THAT happened" when R happened, because honestly, who expected that??
The Giant Notebook was A + the shenanigans of senior year or so; the last page was written my last night in the old apartment.
The first page of the Pink Journal was my first night in this apartment (May). And then the rest of it, well, you can figure it out.

So what will the new one hold?? I had noooo idea when I started the pink journal that I would have something to fill it so quickly. And here I am already starting a new chapter.

*death by cheesy metaphor*

:-D

Bathroom mirror

2010-10-22T23:54:00.004-05:00

She stares herself down. Cheeks flushed from drinking. Hair loosely pulled back, tendrils curling behind her ears. T-shirt clinging in all the right places. Lips full and fresh and not pointed upward. Eyes so beautiful but so, so sad. "I'm so pretty," she thinks. "Shouldn't there be someone to appreciate it?"

She'd given up on her first love out of a vague feeling of it not being "right." She had yet to stop feeling regret for her choice. How vain is it to decide another person's life without even providing a reason?

She acknowledges that she is probably overreacting. The relationship hadn't even lasted the summer; how could it be a Big Deal? It's sad when a 3-year relationship ends, but 3 months? It's not supposed to be the end of the world.

She blinks, the thick outlines of her eyes jumping back into place. She hadn't meant to fall in love until it was right - the person she would spend the rest of her life with. What can she trust if her own judgment will so quickly fail her?

She bites her lip, hand on the doorknob. One last searching gaze yields no further answers.

Different

2010-10-17T13:59:00.004-05:00

Different.

I'd done it before, but with him it was different.

I didn't realize how different.

It wasn't just that it was way better (although that was much appreciated),

It...it was everything they ever tell you

All that stuff about two becoming one. About giving the person a piece of you. About being tied to the person forever. The flings weren't like that.

But this was different.

Different.

And I can't shake it.

My body yearns for it. I'm pulled like a magnet. I've never wanted something so badly.

I know I can't. I'm a smart girl.

But it's a hole I can't fill. (And not in the dirty, literal sense, because that one CAN be filled, and I don't think it would HELP. What I'm feeling is not as simple as being horny.)

Every inch of me screams out for it.

Different.

Lesson learned: this is why you're supposed to wait.

All riled up

2010-10-10T14:51:00.010-05:00

There are certain things about Southern Baptist dogma--not about God, but just some applications--that I do not believe in. The two easiest examples: Abortion=killing babies and should be outlawed. Homosexuality=a sinful choice. Usually it's just Pat Robertson, for example, going off on that stuff, which is easy for me to ignore; when I do occasionally encounter it in my daily life, it really upsets me. I can't reconcile my beliefs about a loving God with conservative condemnation.

In Sunday School today there was some ranting (yelling, honestly) about the evils of abortion. The lesson was about moral relativism. I wanted to say, "you know what, I don't think anyone is relativistic when it comes to abortion. to ME, having the option is RIGHT, and denying it is WRONG, actually." but I mean of course I couldn't say that. and the teacher was, of course, dismissing any sort of argument as folly. I realize that when it comes to abortion most everyone is either firmly one way or firmly the other, and it's a difficult conversation to have, but it deeply bothers me to be yelled at along the lines of, "people are going to different countries to adopt babies, and we're murdering them here!"

1. You're a MAN, and as such could never be in a situation where you have to make that decision. Fuck off.
2. How do you know none of the women in the room have had an abortion? The statistics are very, very high. even if you consider abortion evil, which is your prerogative, you shouldn't go around making well-meaning women who made a mistake feel like shit. everyone fucking makes mistakes.

Sure, of course, a woman could carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption. All sorts of couples want to adopt brand-new babies and leave those older kids in foster care. but what if she doesn't want to go through A) the physical stress and B) the social stress*? oh, you say, it serves her right, it's what she gets for having sex. WELL, WHAT DOES THE MAN GET FOR HAVING SEX? ZERO CONSEQUENCES. ZERO FUCKING CONSEQUENCES, for being [at least!] equally guilty. So why should the woman have to suffer?

(*I mean, the woman who gives the child up for adoption would probably be alienated from, say, church. You wouldn't fucking praise her for being brave and carrying the child--you would fucking judge her for having sex outside of marriage.)

and I would think this is too obvious to even mention, but if you DID outlaw abortion, you wouldn't get rid of the motivation. Women would get them illegally and dangerously, and then not only would embryos be dying left and right, but so would women.

augh

it just really, really hurts me when things get...well...Baptist in a conversation about morality. if he had started to talk about homosexuality, as I was afraid he would, I would have HAD to have said something. Which then would have alienated ME from my new Sunday School class. Nice going, Sunday School teacher!

I love church. and I loved the rest of the lesson. I just can't handle being yelled at about the evil-ness of something that I 100% believe should be available, without there being an option for rational discussion. I mean, there's Sanctity of Human Life Sunday every year, and I've never been offended by the sermons. I always expect that I will be, but the pastor handles the topic very respectfully.

(Choose your own conclusion!)

Graceful ending:
There's a difference between valuing life and condemning sinners.

Bitter ending:
There's a difference between valuing life and condemning sinners--ahem--FELLOW sinners. Don't fucking think you're any better. All sins are equal in God's eyes, you'd know that if you read the Bible you beat people with.

If you made a mistake, wouldn't you do whatever you could to get your life back on track?

Trifling

2010-10-07T20:08:00.008-05:00

I grew up on Disney movies, and came of age with musicals.* Do you have any idea how much it kills me to learn that it's possible that love isn't enough? That love won't conquer all, that being in love doesn't cause a "happily ever after," that two people can love each other very much and still not be right together?

love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!
-please, don't start that again.

*yeah Moulin Rouge more than anything to be honest, but a little Broadway romance here and there.

second person is an awkward way to write

2010-10-02T23:52:00.005-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about first kisses.

Soft and timid. Slow to occur because you're not sure if you're being too forward. A kiss goodnight as you go your separate ways a few hours after meeting.

Hard and certain. I-want-you-now, this-is-right, oh-my-god-we're-at-a-park-and-there-are-a-bazillion-people-around-and-I-don't-even-care. A kiss you don't forget about. A kiss you don't want to end.

Nervous but excited, leaned up against your friend's car. A kiss you didn't see coming. A kiss you wouldn't mind continuing but your friend's right there and waiting for you, for goodness' sake.

Meaningless as the clock strikes midnight. He'd been flirting but is on his phone when the year rings in, so you take charge for once.

(Others before that? Drunk and delirious. No specific memories.)

Hesitant with your new best friend. You're conjoined at the phone but there's more pressure in person. Does he not know you're crazy about him? You slowly convince him of your feelings as soft kisses build momentum.

So forced on your bedroom floor. A cruel experiment, leaving two lonely geeks alone together. You've never done this before and you're thrilled, somehow unaware that you're playing with matches. You're burning away all your fairytale dreams one nervous giggle at a time.

don't you bring me down today

I'm beginning to sense a trend

2010-09-29T22:36:00.005-05:00

So I haven't "dated" extensively, really. But I've...hmm. There are more guys in my past than I usually realize.

Now here's my trend:

All of them except for two have been gigantic jerks. Like, off-the-charts levels of douchebaggery. R, Mr. Honeywell, Josh-whatever, etc etc. And I mean, they seem nice at first; they just end up doing something mind-blowingly mean.

The two that were nice were the only two I was ever serious with. (So that's good at least. That I don't try to be serious with the assholes and wind up a battered woman or cheated on or what have you.)

But why, when I'm not necessarily looking for serious, do I just find the bad ones? And not "bad" as in "bad boy hot," "bad" as in "majorly sleazy." Couldn't I be not-serious with nice guys?

Maybe nice guys don't do not-serious. Maybe I'm actually being sleazy myself by doing not-serious??

Or maybe not-serious just brings out the worst in people. by which I mean, maybe if the nice guys had been fun-without-definitions they would've been jerks to me, too. (Actually, I know for a fact that's not true in the recent case. Because it almost started out like that, and he treated me like a princess nonetheless.)

say there's something better
but tonight you know you'll never find it

My douchemonster trend terrifies me. It makes me want to run right back to my Nice-Guy ex. I don't WANT to let people treat me like that, and that would be an easy way to make sure of it. But that's clearly faulty motivation and isn't fair to either party.

I guess I don't know how to be selective?? And yet I DO on some level. What with the only ever getting serious with nice guys.

I don't know. In conclusion...maybe I should swear off men for a while? lol/sigh...

No regrets, just love

2010-09-29T21:23:00.007-05:00

I miss the feelings.

Endorphins. Oxytocin. You know.

I don't know that I miss him.

moderate what-to-do-with-my-life crisis

2010-09-24T14:51:00.003-05:00

Deja vu. only less "getting into" and more "doubting that I made the right decision."

Sometimes I wish things were easier.

I think I'm stuck. I can't get teacher certification as long as I have my current job, and every option to get my BCaBA has fallen through, as well. (Plus, honestly, BCaBA will do me very little good--a higher-level certification [which requires a master's] is needed to work for, say, a school district.) What do I do? I'm perfectly comfortable, yes...but I am very limited. I could probably not get an equivalent job anywhere else.

So what do I do?

The smartest thing I could do, career-wise, would be to get my teacher certification...but to do that I have to leave my job at minimum, or maybe even move (i.e. Warrensburg has the severe-special ed program).

And, don't worry, Springfieldians, my response to that is whole-heartedly "fuck that."

I thought I was comfortable here because it was right. What if I'm just comfortable here [meaning "my job"] because it's the easy thing to do? Because I don't have to make any big decisions, any big changes, any big commitments?

I'm 23, I'm not supposed to have my whole life planned out. To have settled down already. But I like things the way they are. I like my job, my church, my home, my wife and kids (lolll)...

argh.

So many of them

2010-09-23T23:03:00.001-05:00

Caitlin: wait, whose photos?
whose beard?
me: josh
Caitlin: wait
that clarified NOTHING

food for thought

2010-09-19T01:48:00.004-05:00

I submitted this to ERB, but I'll toss it here in the meantime:

Which is less destructive, hooking up with an ex or a one-night-stand with a stranger?

Or to be more specific: Which is less destructive to do while on the rebound, hook up with the ex or have a one-night-stand?

(And, yes, the correct answer is keep it in your pants and don't sleep with anybody, but that wasn't an option, now, was it?)

Wisdom from Cosmo!

2010-09-15T21:56:00.003-05:00

"You should not be asking yourself or your friends, 'How do I know if he's The One?' because it's kind of like an orgasm: If you're not sure that you had one, you didn't. If after giving it thought you're still not sure your guy is The One, he probably isn't."

i've been thinkin' 'bout all the places we've surfed and danced and all the faces we've missed so let's get back together and do it again
#beachboys

A sequence and a post script.

2010-09-11T22:08:00.006-05:00

Saw a facebook ad about Mormons -->
Remembering the friendly politician fellow who turned out to be Mormon and not flirty -->
A: "how old is he?" M: "I dunno, less than 30" -->
A: *looks him up* "MARIE! HE LOOKS OLD!" -->
Oh yeah--I'm horrible at judging age.
fin

Also:

If I think someone does not look old, and he or she is not old, doesn't that make me a good judge of age? With me this far? Okay, what about when the rest of the world thinks the person does look old, even though he is she is not? That doesn't make ME any less ACCURATE, right??

It starts in my toes...

2010-09-02T17:15:00.006-05:00

I'm being haunted the song "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. How else do you explain it?

Background: the song's a good two or three years old, and not anything I'd ever actually LISTENED to. My roommates spring of junior year, the music therapy girls, would play it on their guitars from time to time, and that was really my only exposure to it--their nervous chattering of "tee hee it's actually about an ORGASM," all that. I didn't really care. Not really my type of music--a little too mellow, a lot too lovey-dovey.

Story: A couple weeks ago my car cd player broke, so I've been listening to the radio on drives too short to bust out the iPod. Meanwhile, two weekends ago I ended things with my first serious boyfriend. Two or three days after that all occurred, "Bubbly" came on the radio just as I turned on my car to drive to work. I listened to it out of curiosity--as I said, all I knew was the "tee hee, orgasm" thing--and, WOW, it was depressing.

the rain is falling on my window pane
but we are hiding in a safer place
under covers staying dry and warm
you give me feelings that I adore

'cause, like, the first night we were together that weekend, before I knew that I had to end it, it was all stormy...and we didn't leave ~~the bed~~ his apartment...

About a week later (also known as a few days ago), the song came on AGAIN on my drive to work. Here's how it went: I listened to the intro, was reminded of "Bubbly," but thought, "noooo, as old as that song is, there's no way they're playing it at the exact same time two times in a week!", but, yeah, no, that was it. I switched stations and didn't give it another thought...

...Until today. I was listening to that same station (the main Top 40 station), and they were playing Taylor Swift, so I switched to my backup station. The backup station--how do I describe it? I always think it's alternative until I hear them playing Katy Perry or Christina Aguilera, but it's not exactly Top 40. Anyhow--THE BACKUP STATION WAS PLAYING "BUBBLY." I actually shouted, "are you fucking kidding me???" and switched back to Taylor Swift.

I mean, I honestly don't think I'd ever heard the song all the way through before (except for Carrie and Kristen's virginal renditions). And to hear it on the radio across stations 3 times in like 10 days? When I listen to the radio for 10 minutes a day, tops? And that this happened right after I'd ended actually being in a place where I could actually appreciate something that happy and sappy.

lol...

Puzzling

2010-08-29T20:24:00.010-05:00

So, does this summer's crop of girly pop feature more metaphorical references to puzzle pieces than usual, or is it just that I am more sensitive to these references now that I can't escape autism in any aspect of my life? (Puzzle pieces are a symbol for autism awareness.)

Miranda Cosgrove:
when I'm kissing you my senses come alive, almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find falls right into place, you're all that it takes...

and Katy Perry:
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece; I'm complete

And how does it fit into this that for the last three months, my mom and brother have been working on a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle, and on multiple occasions while waiting for a late date I sat down to work on the puzzle, and never once found a piece that connected?

Never...

I guess I should have seen it coming.

Mom and Dad

2010-08-25T20:40:00.005-05:00

Breakup advice from my mom:
"It's like a physical wound. You have to go through the healing process; it takes time. Think of it like a broken leg. And you haven't even had the cast set; you're still waiting at the emergency room."
"But I don't want to be with anyone else!"
"Well, of course not. You're not thinking about going running when your leg just broke, because it hurts."

Breakup advice from my dad:
"Geeze, don't call him! There's no need to put HIM through your emotional roller coaster."

*sigh.*

I do have awesome parents...

Inventory

2010-08-22T12:44:00.008-05:00

Sore collarbone, shoulder, chin, flaring in pain with every well-meaning embrace.
Almost-invisible fingerprint bruises tracing up my arms and all the way down my legs.
Legs aching with every step away.

Not everything will fade so quickly.

How do I fall out of love?

Wouldn't it be nice?

2010-08-13T23:50:00.004-05:00

I'm not the only person who listens to the Beach Boys all summer long, am I?
Anyhow, this one's my current theme song...

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

The happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Oh wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be merry
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Oh, wouldn't it be nice

Signs I miss my kids:

2010-08-08T12:19:00.004-05:00

I had a dream about one of my students last night. In my dream we'd gone back to school and over break he had started TALKING. He was hard to understand, but he had functional language. What I wouldn't give for that to come true!!!! :(

Breaking the fourth wall

2010-07-22T19:40:00.004-05:00

Hello, blog. I always forget about you...

Actually, I'm pretty bored with this endeavour. I've already told all my friends anything worth writing about, and they're the people who read this. I don't feel like this site contributes anything to my online presence, much less to the internet as a whole (LOL).
meh...

I guess it is kind of fun to chart a timeline of events in my life against what I was writing about at the time. I mean there was this two months ago, and look at me now.

But I can get that same thrill from my journal. Plus I can be blunt in my journal. None of this cryptic, privacy, a-future-employer-might-be-reading-this baloney.

Yup. I have no reason to blog.

I'd much rather tweet the play-by-play than sit down and compose a full-blown post--especially after I've already tweeted the details!

my heart has wings, and I can fly...

okay, my reason to blog is to post Disney lyrics that are stuck in my head. Better? Didn't think so, hahaha.

Life Goals

2010-07-12T07:35:00.002-05:00

So I've always had a list of ridiculous life goals in the back of my mind. This was inspired by Caitlin's list that was composed in the back of scholar bowl practice. I've never written mine out, though--so here's a start. I know there's a lot I'm forgetting...

-pop out of a cake.
-somehow be in Jesus Christ Superstar...pretty sure I missed my chance for that but oh well lol
-sing karaoke to "You Oughta Know"
-Titanic-style handprint on a window
-read Harry Potter en espanol

well that list is really short, and has already been partially tackled. (I read Sorcerer's Stone in Spanish, but Chamber of Secrets and Half-blood Prince both proved too much, lol.) But still. I wanted to have it in writing. hahaha

I can't stop smiling

2010-07-07T22:13:00.005-05:00

New phone with lots of nifty features. Had a pretty good day at school today (one of the newbies is finally trained to work 5 of the kids, thank God). Came home and did some really good journaling. Yummy salad and home-grown green beans for dinner. Evening time with Pistashleyo. Being giddy during choir with Erica. Making a slight spectacle of myself during choir by laughing so much. Rocking out to Beach Boys with Erica on the way to Andy's, which the director bought for everyone. Good talk with my mom, good chat with my man, good/ridiculous convo with my roomie. Found the Metromix pic after a lady in choir told me she saw my picture on the internet (to be fair, she saw us oot and aboot that night). I ate ice cream three times today. We have awesome plans for this weekend, and awesome BIRTHDAY plans for the next weekend, along with awesome crazy-party-in-Lawrence plans. I have a whole 8 days until my class starts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is things are pretty good...

Hokay, so...

2010-06-19T23:13:00.004-05:00

Tonight may have been the Apocalypse.

Ashley and I saw a movie, and then walked to the Mudlounge. Time frame: around 9pm.
1. On the way, I saw that the downtown library (the one that is open late) was closed. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but it came to be a harbinger of doom.
2. We saw a freakishly long line of people outside the Outland Ballroom, and they were scary and rude.
3. THE MUDLOUNGE WAS CLOSED. Like, the staff were inside cleaning up, it was only just closing.
4. When we walked back, we saw a HUGE line of people outside Remington's--there's never ANYONE at Remington's.

Then we went back to the parking garage. As we drove off we kept hearing a clanking sound, so I pulled over and
5. A piece of my car was hanging off and dragging the ground.

We talked about what we wanted to do--I suggested pie at Perkins, and we settled on Sonic--and drove on.
6. Sonic was closed.
7. Perkins was closed.

We went to another Sonic, seriously shaken up.
8. We drove through a couple of stoplights that were not functioning.

We finally got our food and headed home.
9. The power had gone out in our absence.

...The storm occurred at like 5 this evening. LONG before all these events.

It was a really, really creepy hour and a half or so. Things seemed pretty touch and go for a while there. At this point I think it looks like we'll survive...

Alanis

2010-06-10T22:48:00.002-05:00

you've already won me over in spite of me
now don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

blahblahblah

2010-06-06T22:03:00.004-05:00

I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I don't know what I want to get myself into. I really wish I was going back to school this week, because then I would get my BRAIN back--I'm good for one week of break, but two is just too much time to myself. Especially when I have something massive to spend all my time over-analyzing... yeah, yeah, #firstworldproblems #omg2weekspaidvacationhowawful #whinewhinewhine #maniamsogladinever*wentunemployedicompletelylosemysenseswhenimbored

(*and in summer 2008 when I was unemployed I was a mess!)

things are shaping up to be pretty odd

2010-06-02T14:14:00.002-05:00

I've been an iPod owner for five years, and I never messed with the whole On-the-go Playlist thing...until now. muahaha. It's actually pretty handy! That said, I present: the drive-home playlist.

If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland ft. Katy Perry
Your Love is my Drug - Ke$ha
See you Again - Miley Cyrus
If I Fell - Evan Rachel Wood
Ooh Ooh Baby - Britney Spears
Candyman - Christina Aguilera
Making Out - No Doubt
Shut up and Drive - Rihanna
My First Kiss - 3OH!3 ft. Ke$ha
Burnin' Up - Jonas Brothers
Don't Let Me Down - No Doubt
Head Over Feet - Alanis Morisette
I Can't Do it Alone - 3OH!3
I Got Nerve - Miley Cyrus
Wannabe - Spice Girls
Cuidate - La Oreja de Van Gogh
Again Again - Lady Gaga
I Wanna Hold Your Hand - Beatles

I've gotta feeling

2010-05-31T15:07:00.001-05:00

I put a lot of stock in signs and feelings. Probably too much, considering how logical I otherwise tend to be. But you know...so far it works out pretty well...

:-*

2010-05-10T20:58:00.004-05:00

coworker: "I don't mind not kissing anyone, because I think that there's a lot that goes into kissing, a lot of complicated emotions, and it means a lot to me."

me: "yeah, I used to believe all that Prince Charming stuff, but all but one of the guys I've ever kissed have been just random guys at bars or parties, so it hasn't meant anything to me in a while."

all but one

sweetie, you're coming up on Summer 2010. two years. get over it.

(nb: it's not HIM i can't get over. clearly. it's the situation--that that's the ONLY semi-normal romantic relationship i've ever been involved in...i just find it kind of depressing.)

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T20:59:00.005-05:00

The mom of one of my students invited me to Easter dinner--which was particularly awesome since I had been despairing of being alone. Actually, at the instant when she called to invite me, I was making myself pokemon kraft macaroni and cheese and thinking, "man, for Easter dinner I'm gonna be eating leftover pokemon macaroni." I was soooo touched that she thought of me, though! :) lovemyjob, lovemykids it was so funny, when my student first saw me he had a huge smile on his face, and then in a split second it changed to this huge "wtf" face...hehehe. But we had a great meal, and I helped hide easter eggs, and then I helped my kiddo find easter eggs... :)

Today was such a beautiful day. It's even easier to be joyful on Easter sunday when it is so nice out! hehehe.

in other news, I didn't have time to clean joe jonesie's cage this morning, and it smells to high heaven. consequences. hahaha

Internet dreamz

2010-03-28T15:41:00.005-05:00

I had a dream last night that a friend (I honestly don't remember who) and an ex were trying to get me to do a threesome with them. :-S The main part I remember is him asking, "come on, Marie, why not?" and me responding with, "um, well, you BROKE my HEART" which is kind of strange because I don't really use that phrase--and you'd think my first reason would have been that we had never gone that far. But then he kissed me and it felt like our first weekend together when everything was perfect. I woke up then but if I hadn't I would have done anything he asked.

(I've spent the last year and a half mostly-subconsciously trying to recreate the way I felt that weekend. I've never even come close. So it was nice, I guess, to dream about it.)

In other news, I just facepalmed really hard at a photo of the Irish guy that popped up on my newsfeed. If I didn't have four friends to vouch for the noises they heard, I'd be pretty certain that never actually happened, heh. #alcohol #woo #mantherewerealotofpeopleinouraptthatnight #ohmygodthatwasonlyayearago

Confessions of a Springfield Single Gal

2010-03-21T13:12:00.005-05:00

Background: so our church hires police officers to come hang out during the service, one in uniform in the back lobby and one in plainclothes to sit in the front row. Miss Meme hangs out in the choir loft, whether singing or violining.

Today, from my perch in the front row of the choir loft, I noticed something. The plainclothes cop was really hot. I may have stared. I may have lusted. Worse things have happened. I felt a little bad, but I felt a lot worse when, after the service, I was TOTALLY BUSTED.

The music minister--who, during the sermon, sits in the same front corner as the cop--came up to me and asked if I know the security guard guy. "um...no?" I mumble, realizing I've been caught. "I thought you were looking at me at first, but then I realized you were looking at him." "um...yeah...he's...a cutie" I trail off, dying of embarrassment. The music minister asked if I wanted him to introduce me, but I decline, as I realize how OBVIOUS I had been.

Tra la, pack up my violin, call Erica over and tell her my tale, start to head out, and the music minister catches me again. "He's getting married," he discloses. "Aw, too bad" I mumble, still pretty embarrassed...but at the same time amazed that this 40- or 50-something man did that kind of detective work* for me!!! Freaking awesome. I mean, seriously! I mean, I realize that his helpfulness probably springs from the archaic expectation that a good Baptist girl must be married off as soon as possible (see also how the next Sunday School class up after "college" is "young marrieds"), but still.

(You know, that married-off-as-soon-as-possible thing itself probably stems from good ol' young-folks horniness. Better to get married and do it than be single and do it.)

*I'm lolling at the music minister doing detective work on a cop for me.

My life is so ridiculous.

I love it.

Disturbing disney dilemma

2010-03-17T21:35:00.003-05:00

Fact:
I haven't watched near enough Disney movies lately.

Actually, I haven't watched ANY Disney movies lately.

Actually, I never fuckin' saw the Princess and the Frog, and it's out on video now, so what's my excuse??? I mean, that movie was marketed to me. Specifically. The previews starting out with Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, basically my childhood. And the prince is soooooo handsome--Disney's hottest prince since Aladdin! And it's Disney's first black princess! And I can't wait for some fresh Disney meat to chew up from a feminist perspective!

I've been feeling like watching Snow White lately. Which is odd because I never really liked that one--actually, I never really gave it a chance because her voice bugs me. I guess I could buy it and watch it. I have a habit of buying these movies and never watching them (see also: Pinocchio, Oliver and Company, Dumbo, several others).

i'm wishing (i'm wishing)
for the one i love (for the one i love)
to find me (to find me)
today (today)
i'm hoping (i'm hoping)
and i'm dreaming of (and i'm dreaming of)
the nice things (the nice things)
he'll say (he'll say)
tell me, wishing well
will my wish come true,
will my wish come with your magic spell
won't you tell my loved one what to do?

I also hardcore feel like listening to some Disney On the Record (a broadway show of disney medleys, basically, kind of dumb but i saw it at starlight FRONT ROW CENTER and it was EPIC, I mean when the chick was singing "part of your world" she was making EYE CONTACT WITH ME AND ASKING ME, "what do you call it?") (lolol) (that actress now plays Mary Poppins on Broadway), but i took that cd out of my car at some point and it seems like a lot of effort to find it on my ipod, turn off shuffle, etc. hahaha

I should go to bed. Stop whining about my disney dilemma. Can't actually do anything about it at the moment--bedtime--but I can wish! LOL

A few things.

2010-03-11T19:00:00.003-06:00

1. It strikes me that it was possibly a Poor Choice to begin to listen to the Hush Sound again (first time in months and months) at the same time as I'm weaning myself off antidepressants. LOL

2. I met a new student today! I have him after school for an hour a couple times a week, and when there is an opening in my class he will move to that spot (probably Julyish). We had an amazing first session! He cried one time, when--wait for it--HE WAS LEAVING! ^_^

3. It's really cold in my room right now. Tomorrow's supposed to be really cold. Wtf I thought it was spring!

4. So I'm leaving for KC immediately after school tomorrow, and I just realized that I haven't packed at all. I haven't been there since Christmas :-x and I have a lot of junk to get rid of, hehe (namely heavy coats, stuff I want my mom to mend, etc).

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones might be the most beautiful person alive.

What does this tell you about how much I'm meant for my job

2010-03-04T21:14:00.002-06:00

We're gonna start potty training one of my students next week and I am...wait for it...SO EXCITED about this. wtf??? :-D

Whaddaya know

2010-02-20T01:47:00.003-06:00

I can make healthy decisions sometimes! :)

a good, good night...

Updatez

2010-02-13T22:22:00.003-06:00

I had my first IEP meeting last week. It went really, really well.
What can I say, I love what I do! I love my kids, I love my coworkers, I love it all.

In other news, Jonesie hardcore-bit me because I tried to reclaim my chocolates from him. Jerk.

In other other news...*shrug.* My life is splendidly normal. I don't think I really got to live February last year; every moment I wasn't with him (because those were the effed-up moments) were spent catching up on homework.

Tomorrow I'm going pink for church. I'm so excited. Morning service, college lunch*/valentine's party (HOLLA), home for a couple hours, orch practice, I'll probably stick around for the service, and then chili and dessert cookoff, and i'm JUDGING DESSERTS, SO EXCITED OMG. hehehe

*I'm still in the college class because the next Sunday School class up is for "young marrieds"...

Music Testimony

2010-01-31T14:35:00.002-06:00

written for adult choir at my church; each week someone is featured on the back of the rehearsal notes, for a getting-to-know-you kind of thing.

I grew up attending Liberty Manor Baptist, in Liberty, where my mom plays the piano and my dad sings in the choir. Music was never a choice for me—it’s my default setting. I mean, as small children my brother and I played with Mr. Potato Heads under the piano while my mom gave lessons.

I started taking piano lessons from my mom the summer before kindergarten. I switched to violin in fifth grade—piano skips a generation, I’ve heard?—and was involved in school orchestra, choir, and musicals for the rest of my Liberty career.

Meanwhile, I’d given my life to Christ as a child and I joined church choir in eighth or ninth grade. After some personnel upheaval, I found myself called to be interim minister of music for six months when I was sixteen. It was inevitable, really; both my parents had done it in the past! Although I had little responsibility beyond leading music on Sunday mornings, the ministry role was a tremendous opportunity for me to serve my church and the Lord at a young age.

My personal definition of music as worship occurred around that time. My school choir sang a gorgeous arrangement of “How Can I Keep from Singing?” I know it’s incredibly cliché, but that’s exactly what it is for me—how could I not? “No storm can shake my inmost calm while to that rock I’m clinging; since I believe that love abides how can I keep from singing?” Or, for an alternative perspective on the theme, “if every tongue were still the noise would still continue, the rocks and stones themselves would start to sing!” (Jesus Christ Superstar paraphrase of Luke 19:40.)

I moved to Springfield for college and soon thereafter started attending FBC. Nowadays I help with Children’s Choir, play in the orchestra, and hang out here in choir, of course. While I never could have done music as a career—um, the reason Mom quit giving me piano lessons was because I have a tendency not to practice—it is as natural a part of my life as laughing. And praise God for giving us so much to sing about—honestly, how could I keep from singing?

Signs

2010-01-29T21:34:00.002-06:00

Signs I am nowhere near ready to have kids, #194:

When I get home from a day at work, if I feel like eating dinner and watching tv rather than playing with Jonesie, I do it. I completely ignore him to focus on my superficial desires.

dammit

2010-01-04T06:19:00.003-06:00

Remind me to try, sometime, engaging in a normal relationship with a male. "Normal" defined-as-but-not-limited-to:
-not a one-night stand
-a guy I actually like
-not an icon guy
-not a guy fresh out of a serious relationship

bob lawblaw

2010-01-02T19:06:00.004-06:00

I'm pretty sure time is cyclical. The coincidences aren't coincidences; they're just history repeating itself. It's not even that I make the same mistakes, not even that things end up the same way, it's just...

If you catch me off guard, sometimes I don't know what season it is, let alone month or year.

I swear the nineties weren't that long ago. I mean, "1999" sounds fairly recent to me. But it's not. At all. I was twelve. God. Throughout my teenagerdom I regarded twelve, for some arbitrary reason, as the time I started thinking like an adult. That my consciousness was really "me." Maybe because I don't remember much before then? Maybe because I had no friends before then? Maybe because that's when sex ed was? haha.

Obviously my thinking and my experience is altogether different after a decade.

Time just seems so relative. Things that happened 36 hours ago barely remain in my consciousness, while I'm all, "holy shit, my student was born in 2003 and is six years old, no way, 2003 was way too recent for that." A guy from a year and a half ago is on my mind way more than any of the guys since then. Harry Potter still seems novel, while Star Wars feels like ancient history.

lol.

I know this doesn't make sense.

And then I wonder how something as permanent as marriage could even be in the cards for me at all? Because I have pretty successfully severed feelings and commitment from just plain lust. I don't know how to turn that back on. and right now I don't WANT to. Yet while out in public recently, I saw a cute little family and was hit with a wave of "oh my god I want a husband and kids NOW," hahaha.

Meanwhile it all repeats, repeats, repeats.

The same comments, the same compliments, the same awkwardness, it's all the same...

For a novelty, though, at this very moment my pet rat is stuck in my trash can!

2009

2009-12-31T16:35:00.003-06:00

If I could describe 2009 in one year, it would be "serendipitous."

Belated Thanksgiving

2009-11-30T19:52:00.004-06:00

Last year I was so emo and stressed out around Thanksgiving-time. I was all, "bluh bluh bluh, I have nothing to be thankful for beyond the bourgeouise basics." (sp??) But this year...man. I'm so thankful that I have found what I want to do with my life. It makes such a difference in my entire outlook on life.

Sleep

2009-11-16T06:55:00.002-06:00

So, I've always slept on my stomach, but since a week or so ago, I've realized that I now sleep on my stomach without a pillow; that is, with my head flat on the bed. I have to push the pillow out of my way before I can fall asleep.

Wtf?

An anecdote or two

2009-11-10T17:00:00.002-06:00

So I broke the alarm system at school yesterday. I was up there working for a few hours, the only person around, and when I left I set the alarm and locked up. However, since I had never done it before, I stuck around to make sure everything went smoothly...and a good thing I did, because about a minute after I'd left, the alarm started going off. Wtf??? I went back in and disarmed it; repeated the entire process; and then the alarm wouldn't reset to the whole "ready to arm" thing, no matter how many times I opened and closed the front door. uhh. I called Chris (the teacher in charge of our building, who's been sending me inappropriate texts all weekend, lol) and she was like, "huh. Well, make sure you lock up..." and she was gonna send someone to go check it out (lol so don't try to break into the building ;) ). Wtf did I do that set off the alarm after I'd left?? I am so confused. ...And I'm thinking I'll probably avoid being at school alone for a while, so I don't have to deal with it again.

I visited my darling Caitlin over the weekend! I had a blast. From hookahs to hipsters, hobos to highway-crossings, rats to Rag-o-rama, with a dash of plans-to-run-off-to-Vegas-to-elope thrown in, it was a delightfully strange adventure. :)

Note to self:

2009-11-08T20:25:00.002-06:00

Because long-distance whatever is rough enough in the first place, please DO NOT try to START something long-distance. Sweetie, you've tried it before, even. Learn a freakin' lesson!

"remember, remember..."

2009-11-05T18:49:00.002-06:00

I am snuggling in warm sweats fresh out of the dryer. I am spending the weekend with Caitlin in St. Louis! And then I have a week of break! And then, after that break, I will be a TEACHER!

Life is good. :)

Strange night

2009-10-17T21:38:00.003-05:00

So I go to the mall with A, L, and R. Get some sweet deals at Old Navy, some sweet shoes at Payless. Wander wander wander wander, DOUBLE TAKE. I stop in the middle of a story, jaw dropped, and gape at a kiosk. With an expression of "shock, disgust, and a little bit of fear," I realize that the salesguy at said kiosk is a guy I've, um, met at a club. Met romantically. On multiple occasions. And he sees me, with that bizarre expression on my face. hahaha.

Then the four of us pile into the car and head home, with a "anyone need to go anywhere else?" "nah" conversation. However, the route takes us past a sex store, and we decide a detour is in order. (Keep in mind that A and L and I are female, and R is L's boyfriend). We spend a good twenty minutes comparing vibrators, laughing at pornographic interpretations of movies such as Wayne's World and Pirates of the Caribbean, and being a little horrified by the photos on the back of the DVD cases. (I do think the Wayne's World one would be hilarious!!! ;) ) We contemplate such novelties as a masturbating Obama action figure, camo condoms ("don't let them see you coming"), and crotchless fishnets.

Back to the car, only to decide that booze is required. This leads to a fail of a walmart run, and then a more successful liquor store visit. I, however, do not purchase anything, and then the others drop me off at home, pour their booze into plastic bottles, and head out.

And now I'm going to go to bed before too long. Might shave my legs beforehand. Anticlimactic much?

...my life is both hilarious and awesome. :)

Shock

2009-10-11T14:15:00.004-05:00

My stomach's twisting up, I'm hyperventilating, I'm on the verge of a panic attack for something that does not affect my life in the slightest.

But, God. I tend to remove myself from the past completely. It's been long enough since I've been involved with a guy that I've slipped back into my nothing-ever-really-happened frame of mind. I barely remember anything. Anyone. Because none of it is worth holding onto...

It's not that I regret it all. I'm fine with who I am. I don't feel burdened with a need to confess unspeakable sins. I'm so relieved to finally be me instead of the repressed, naive shell of a person I used to be. I'm at peace with my identity...I just lose the details over time.

But, God, I'm shaken up.

and to think that could've been me.

Plus...to think...ugh. Despite everything, he was always really nice to me...

self-evident

2009-10-01T21:51:00.001-05:00

oh my gah it's OCTOBER.

Keeping track

2009-09-30T20:55:00.003-05:00

So I read in the L-town paper while I was around last week that the senior class has two National Merit semifinalists (it's too early in the year for finalists). My reaction was, wait a minute. Their class has probably 200 more people in it than ours did, and we had five--shouldn't they have more than two, statistically speaking? That got me thinking about my four peers:

-One I had seen three days before
-I had seen another's sister-in-law that day
-One lives in the same town as me now, and I've seen her roommate occasionally in the last few months?
-And the other, with whom I was actually friends, I haven't seen or had any weird connection with, but his brother got married the following day, if that counts at all.

I just thought it was kinda weird that I actually had present-day connections with those people, still. haha. I mean, I had classes with them here and there in high school, of course, but I was only really friends with the one.

And in other news, I think Jonesie made out with me last night. What?